


Heartbroken, A Kalicia romance

by justlovebt



Series: Hard-hearted [1]
Category: Alicia/Kalinda - Fandom, Good Wife (TV)
Genre: Drama, F/F, Femslash, Legal Drama, Love, Mystery, Romance, Series, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-13
Updated: 2013-10-17
Packaged: 2017-12-14 19:57:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 46,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/840772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justlovebt/pseuds/justlovebt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Starting in season 2, this series shows a different take on the events around and after THE REVEAL.</p><p>Episode 1: Heartbroken: An unexpected case at Lockhart-Gardner gives insight in Kalinda`s -or should we say, Leela`s- mysterious past. Blakes interference, however, threatens her carefully build friendship with the-only-one-she-gives-a-damn-about Alicia. As the investigator is trying to keep her secrets from being uncovered, she discovers the biggest one of all, her profound feelings for her best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. PROLOGUE

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don`t own any of the characters from the TV show `The Good Wife. Just borrowing, hope that's ok...
> 
> Hi everyone! I`ve just recently become addicted to this amazing show and it`s great characters. I especially love the interaction between Kalinda and Alicia, and the love that, for me at least, is clearly palpable in Kalinda`s actions. This story is somewhere set around the end of season 2, when the drama begins, but mixes up some of the facts on the show. Hope you`re willing to take the ride with me! Bear with me, since English is not my mothertongue, and all suggestions are welcome! Let me know what you think!!!! Please'

Heartbroken: an Alicia-Kalinda romance 

PROLOGUE

Kalinda`s dark eyes followed her friend as Alicia characteristically moved around her office as she spoke on the phone. She heard the brunette`s short answers as if they were from far away, as she took in the features of the other woman. A sharp movement of Kalinda`s head accompanied by an equally sharp inhale drew for a moment Alicia`s attention, but since the Indian woman seemed preoccupied with the papers before her, she returned her attention to the phonecall.  
Kalinda shortly closed her eyes, expiring slowly, trying her never-before failing method of keeping her emotions under control. Never-BEFORE was the correct term. Ever since her ex-boss` wife had entered her life, something had changed. She had always been able to make her body do her mind`s bidding, but now all these FEELINGS got in the way. It bothered her, and she had tried to stay away from Alicia, but somehow she always found herself in her presence again.

`Kalinda?`

The way Alicia softly pronounced her name gave her goosebumps and she tried to hide her reaction by responding coldly

`A new case?`

`Yes, actually, I just got off the phone with Will, he wants us to go there right away.`

`Great`

The sarcastic tone in Kalinda`s voice surprised even herself, and she knew it had more to do with the person who had called than with the fact that she would have to work late.

`What? You have a date?`

Alicia`s quasi-innocently asked question made the hairs in the back of Kalinda`s neck stand. She knew what was coming, the slight teasing, the friendly probing. She had never had had any problem warding off such questions.  
Was that why she had chosen to never have close friends? Especially female ones? Men were so much easier in that aspect. They simply took what they were offered, and didn`t talk so much. But against Alicia even Kalinda`s steel armor had been no defense. She had offered her friendship so freely and opened herself up so trustingly, Kalinda had, little by little, let her in.

`Is she cute?`

There it was, the probing, she had to give it to Alicia, she always tried to find new ways to make her admit she was into women. The first time she had asked her directly, when they had been drinking tequila-shots, Kalinda had been caught completely off guard. Maybe that is why she had opened up enough to herself to see that the feelings she had for Alicia went further than just a regular friendship. She hadn`t lied, she had simply avoided telling the whole truth. A trick she had used all her life, without a shred of remorse. But now she found herself awake at night, feeling guilty, and not just for being dishonest about her feelings. 

`So, what`s the case?`

Kalinda raised her hand to catch the car keys Alicia threw at her head, in revenge of her avoiding the question.

`I take it I`m driving, then?`

Alicia shook her head, reluctantly smiling over her best friends antics, and got into the passengers seat.

`Assault. A 16 year old girl was found holding a baseball-bat, sitting next to her unconcience stepfather. She refuses to speak. Her mother, who happens to be Eliza Stern, called the firm to represent her`

`As in the ex-wife of Stern?`

`Right`

`As in the daughter of Stern?`

`Right`

‘Hmmm. This can get interesting`

 

TBC?


	2. -What she needed, was Kalinda-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1: The start of a case, the start of a mystery, the start of a romance?
> 
> An unexpected case at Lockhart-Gardner gives insight in Kalinda's -or should we say, Leela's- mysterious past. Blake's interference, however, threatens her carefully build friendship with the-only-one-she-gives-a-damn-about Alicia. As the investigator is trying to keep her secrets from being uncovered, she discovers the biggest one of all, her profound feelings for her best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Don't own any characters from the show, just fantasizing
> 
> Hey you all! I`m in love with the idea of getting Alicia and Kalinda together, so don`t worry, they will be.... It`s gonna be a slowburn though, so bear with me ;) In the mean while, some great Kalicia interaction, and I promise you a lot of romantic thoughts ;) Open to suggestions! Please let me know your thoughts! Love, JLBT
> 
> PS I just love Kalinda and Alicia, and think they should just love eachother...

Chapter 1 Heartbroken

 

The flickering lights of policecars and ambulance made it impossible to miss where they were supposed to be. As Kalinda pulled the car onto the driveway, Alicia studied her friends face, and once again was fascinated to figure out what went on behind the rigid exterior. She saw the dark eyes move over the vehicles.

`Great, Stern is already there` 

Shaking her head to clear it, Alicia focused on her surroundings. The huge driveway was not even close to being full, even with the impressive amount of help-services that was present. Now that Alicia thought about it, she remembered Stern`s first wife was living together with quite a famous baseball-player, and now that she had a closer look, some of the cars in the driveway did not belong to emergency vehicles at all.  
The press seemed to have gotten wind of the case, probably picking up calls from police radio. As they made their way through the crowd that had formed, a tumult broke loose at the entrance of the house. The victim, who Alicia now recognized clearly as Martin Flagg, pitcher for the Chicago Cubs, was wheeled outside on a brancard by 2 male nurses.

Kalinda, immediately recognizing one of them, rushed to him to have a short interaction, while helping him clear the way towards the ambulance. Alicia saw her push her card into his pocket, and was again surprised how Kalinda`s body language completely changed when she was working. She seemed to instinctively know what she needed to get the information that she needed and read people like nobody else she knew.  
Finding her way inside, Alicia immediately caught the eye of Jonas Stern, and braced herself for a fight. Even bigger was the surprise when the older man strode to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulder to lead her to the other room. 

`Here she is` 

Police had filled the living room, where the girl still sat on the floor, the baseball-bat still in hand. As Alicia watched, one of the female officers tried to convince the girl to let go of the weapon, but the only response was a jerk back as the woman approached her and a dangerous wave with the heavy piece of wood. Another woman, in civilian clothes, stood motionless, watching the scene, rubbing her sweaty palms repeatedly against her corduroy skirt. As Alicia assumed this was the mother of her client, she couldn´t help but think she looked more like a lawyers wife than a baseball-player`s one. The woman did not seem to connect with her surroundings and almost jumped up as Jonas touched her shoulder to introduce Alicia. Surprise and suspicion filled her as he added `She`s the best` after stating her name. Eliza remained distracted as she shook Alicia`s hand, but considering the police hadn`t even been able to take the weapon from the girl, Alicia thought getting information from Eliza was the safest bet. 

` What happened?`

She had directed the question to the woman, but it was Jonas who, in a whisper, answered.

`She found them like that, her, with the bat, him, knocked out on the floor. You have to prevent them from taking my girl, Alicia.`

The hairs in the back of Alicia`s neck stood as she felt someone slide into the room behind her. As she looked around to find the source of the, not entirely unpleasant, sensation, she was surprised to see Kalinda, focused on the girl, who was sitting on the floor. The girl was blond, fragile, and looked younger than her 16 years. Alicia`s heart wrenched as she thought of Grace, and she realized that even her younger daughter looked more mature than this girl. That was something that she could use to her advantage, she knew. A jury wouldn`t look at her as a young woman, but as a child. And the state would have a hell of a job trying the case in adult court, as sometimes was custom if the crime committed was that of an adult. 

What Alicia needed was time. What Alicia needed was information. And those two things, she knew, one person could get her. What Alicia needed, was Kalinda. 

Although Kalinda was used to scan a crimescene the moment she entered one, this time her eyes were fixated immediately on the victim.  
Shaking her head, mentally reprimanding herself, Kalinda corrected her thought.  
The attacker.  
The girl, baseball-bat still in hand, had a wild look in her eyes. A look that made Kalinda`s heart beat faster and her stomach turn. Because it was a look she recognized. A look she remembered out of a previous life where she had been Leela, and not Kalinda. As her eyes locked with those of Alexandra Stern, she felt how her armor slid off. She felt raw and naked as she approached the girl.

Alicia watched as Kalinda neared their client, and couldn`t have been more surprised when the Indian woman kneeled down to reach eyelevel with the girl. Never has she seen Kalinda interact with children before. Actually, she seemed to avoid them. She would look up information on and about them, but when it came to interaction, usually Kalinda was nowhere to be found. She looked on for a moment, fascinated by the tenderness that weaved from the, otherwise so tough-looking, woman. Kalinda`s natural beauty seemed even more obvious, and the moment that thought entered her mind, Alicia forced herself to look away. This made her notice that she was not the only one who was watching her colleague. The female officer, and an unshaved, shady looking male detective, approached, but Kalinda, still crouched, simply put up her hand and they remained at a respectable distance. Alicia smiled, feeling how a sensation of pride entered her chest. It felt good to be near a woman that radiated such confidence, such authority. But something changed again in Kalinda`s demeanor the moment she put her attention to the girl. Something that made Alicia approach not only in order to hear the interaction, but also in concern for her friend.

`Hi, Alexandra, isn`t it? I`m L… Kalinda.`

Blue eyes locked into hers, and Kalinda sensed the scream for help in them. For a moment she felt as if she was swept from her body, the flashback hit home hard, and she had to use all her strength to suppress it. She clenched her jaw, and closed her eyes momentarily, but it was the soft voice that saved her from having to relive her worst memories.

`Alex, actually`

Kalinda`s eyes shot open, and instinctively she put up her hand once more to stop Burton from approaching. She knew what he wanted, and she would give it to him, but at her own good time. He also knew what she needed, and from the corner of her eye she saw him send an officer for an evidence bag. She was wearing the leather gloves she always wore when she did investigation work, so there would be no trouble with fingerprints. 

She kept looking into the bright blue eyes of the young girl, and saw how she slowly seemed to come to her senses. As the eyes dropped towards the bat in her hand, they widened, and shocked, it seemed, the girl pushed away the weapon, thatKalinda instinctively caught. Immediately, 3 officers moved in from different angles, ready to arrest the girl, but a short warning from Burton prevented them from acting. Yet.Kalinda knew she had to be fast. As she handed the piece of wood to Anthony, her gaze remained fixated on the girl, who now, for the first time, seemed to take in her surroundings.

`Kalinda?`

Alex` voice sounded scared, panicky, but also heavily filled with trust, that caused the investigator a sharp pang of pain in her chest.

`Alex, there was an... An accident. You`re going to have to go with the police. We, Alicia and I...`

She motioned her friend, who she felt was behind her, to move closer, and sensed that she did, not only by seeing Alex`s eyes focus on a point behind her briefly, but more so by the shiver that went through her spine.

`We are on your side, and we will be right behind you. Don`t say anything, and by that I mean ANYTHING until we get, there. Do you hear me?`

`That’s enough, Kalinda`

Antony`s sharp baritone scared the girl, just as Kalinda had known it would and she instinctively reached out, preventing the girl, who had been starting to get up, to topple over. As her hand touched the girl`s upper arm, the instinctive freezing in response to the touch was equal in both the investigator and the client.

••••

`What was THAT all about?`

Keeping one eye on the road, Alicia quickly glanced at the woman beside her, who hadn`t spoken a word since her interaction with the client. Behind them, Jonas Stern`s Mercedes made a dangerous swerve, and Alicia didn`t even want to know what medication her clients father was on now and if he should be allowed to drive. The client`s mother certainly hadn`t been able to, her state of shock even more severe than Alicia had first assessed. Kalinda`s voice sounded hoarse as she answered. She felt the adrenaline leave her body, and her palms got sweaty in fear of the flashback that was leering. She just had to hold on for a few hours longer…

`What?`

`What? Seriously, Kalinda, `What?` You get in there, get the weapon out of the hands of a girl that, only seconds before you entered wordlessly threatened a cop with that bat, and act as if you already know her for years. So what`s going on?`

`In a way I do` 

Kalinda heard the words exit her own mouth and immediately wished she hadn`t uttered them.

`Listen, I… I have a theory, I just haven’t completely worked it out yet. Let me bring you upto speed what I have so far.`

As Kalinda spoke about the case as if it was any other, she slowly felt some calmth reenter her body. The trembling, the sweaty palms, the churning stomach, it all subsided slowly as she told Alicia about the wounds inflicted on the victim, the security guard of the house she had spoken too, and her knowledge of the closed circuit video system.  
Alicia couldn`t help but gasp as she produced, as if out of thin air, some DVD`s.

`Don`t get your hopes up. The videosystem is rather new, and the first cameras are mainly of outdoor areas. The police, of course, has a copy of this, but I didn`t know why we would have to wait for the state`s attorney to decide what is important and what not.`

`You couldn`t have been out of my sight more than 10 minutes, Kalinda, how do you do that?`

`It`s my innate charm, always wins them over`

Worried once again, Alicia glanced over to her best friend, missing the usual playfulness in her voice.

Parking the car in the designated area, Alicia glanced her watch. Earlier she had sent a message to Peter, letting him know she would be running late. But the stack of DVD`s, and, if she was honest with herself, the haunted look in her friends eye`s, made her decide to send another one.

**Going to be an all-nighter, kiss the kids for me.**

`So I guess it`s movie-night for us, tonight. Are you getting your date, after all.`

A sudden movement of Kalinda`s head indicated the joke at least had caught the woman`s attention, but the raw emotion in her eyes caught Alicia off guard.

`Hey… Are you ok?`

`I`m fine. Let`s just… go inside and see our client.`

` You go ahead and arrange for us to see her, let me just call Will and i`ll be in.`

As she watched Kalinda make her way into the police station, Alicia was again shocked how little she knew of the woman she called her best friend. Of course she had had friends before, even close ones, at least she had thought. But as soon as the scandal had been out, those so-called friends either had dropped her like a hot potato or had suddenly found her a million times more interesting. And she didn`t know which of these two she found worse.

`Alicia. How is it going?`

`We just got to the policestation, and I`m about to go inside. Surprisingly enough no objections from Stern, the client will remain silent until we are present, and Kalinda came up with some promising leads. I just have to ask you a favor.`

`What is it? Anything you need. Do you need me to come in?`

‘ No that’s fine. I was wondering if I could have… Blake`

`Blake? What? You want Kalinda off the case? But you just said… `

Annoyed by his lack of understanding and her lack of time, Alicia sighed. Sometimes she wished Will was more like Kalinda. And many of times she had wished Peter was. The feeling to only have to say half a word and be understood was amazingly comforting.

`No actually, I need Kalinda for something else. She has a good connection to the client, and she seems to know how this is going, so I was actually planning to keep her very close to me on this one.`

`Hmm, ok I`ll send Blake over to the house then, to take over Kalinda`s current leads` 

As Alicia quickly brought him up to speed on the case so far, she saw Jonas and Eliza Stern arrive. With a fast goodbye she hung up and paced towards them, hoping the mother of her client would have a better state of mind and a better story for her. 

 

TBC


	3. -Black-Outs-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kalinda uses her connection to Burton to get what she wants, which has a strange effect on Alicia`s emotions. The questioning of the client doesn`t go as planned and THAT has a profound effect on Kalinda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: None of the `Good Wife` character`s belongs to me... If only...
> 
> Musical inspiration: For the entire series: Iris by the GOO GOO DOLLS
> 
> Hi everyone! First of all a great big THANK YOU to everyone who opened this chapter and is willing to give my writing a chance! Second I`d like to thank TeamSharma (what an amazing name, btw, am I right, or am I right?) for giving me my first comment :D Hope you`ll keep on being interested!  
> Always open to suggestions and hope to hear from all of you what are your thoughts!
> 
> xxx  
> JLBT

Heartbroken, Chapter 2

 

Antony was close, dangerously close, and Kalinda felt her stomach turn again as she smelled his scent. Where was it? The button that she simply pushed to turn off her feelings and emotions? The distance she needed to do her job? She knew Burton would sense her insecurity and would act on it, if she didn`t act fast herself. Attack always had been her best defense, and as she softly kissed him on the lips, she felt HIS defenses break.

`Ok, I`ll let the parents of the girl in with you, but you have no more than half an hour before we interrogate the suspect AND the witness, understood?`

`Understood`

As Kalinda turned, she caught the eye of the last person she wanted to see at this moment. Alicia, appalled by the interaction she had just witnessed, narrowed her eyes and felt her heart drop. 

So she had been wrong, Kalinda wasn`t into women, well, at least not solely into woman. 

Why did that affect her state of mind so much? Or rather said, her state of heart? Because it was that organ that had dropped, and now raced rapidly as she looked into those dark brown eyes she had grown to trust upon. Had Kalinda simply just used her body to get them what they wanted? Did she really want to know? Turning abruptly away from her friend she followed the detective, who she now found even more shabby than before, to the room where Alexandra Stern was waiting. 

She heard Kalinda`s footsteps hesitate before they followed but tried to convince herself she didn`t care.

…

`You have to tell me what happened`

`I really don`t remember!`

The voice of the girl pitched in panic, as she let her face rest in her hands. Alicia could feel frustration build up inside her body, but she knew, if she was honest with herself, that it had nothing to do with her clients inability to recollect the events of the evening, or the lack of time that remained. More so it had to do with the image of Kalinda`s soft lips against those detective`s…

She felt Kalinda`s soft hand on her upper arm, and jerked it away in surprise. The surprise however, was complete when she caught the other woman`s eye and saw, so clearly, the hurt in them. It was like she was looking into Kalinda`s soul, witnessing the turmoil there.

`Can I try?`

Alicia`s dismissive hand gesture hurt more than Kalinda wanted to admit. But a sudden memory had entered her head, and she knew she had to act on it.

`Have you taken anything, Alex? Drugs, alcohol? It`s ok if you did, but we have to know.`

Alex took her head out of her hands and looked pensively into Kalinda`s eyes. Kalinda studied them again. Yes, it was true, what she remembered. Alex`s pupils were dilated. Was it just fight-and-flight reaction or was there more?

`I don`t remember, honestly. I don`t think so. I remember getting ready to go out, I was going to meet a friend to go to the movie, but then she called and canceled. Then I remember going downstairs and running into Martin, and he told me he would take me in her stead. I really wanted to see the movie, so I said ok, and then I don`t remember anything…Until… Well, YOU actually `

Kalinda`s mouth felt dry, the taste and smell of Burton suddenly unbearably strong and almost causing her to gag. She gratefully took the plastic cup of water that Alicia offered her, but noticed that the other woman still didn`t want to look at her. She knew Alicia sensed where she was going with this as the attorney asked the next question herself.

`And, in this time that you do remember, you didn’t take any alcohol or drugs?`

The girl thought shortly, and Kalinda could see that Alicia was impressed by the way the girl was handling herself. Damn, she herself was impressed. She sure as hell was a lot better than the mother, who just sat there in a corner, wiping her hands on her skirts.

`No`

The memory-loss bothered Kalinda, it would be hard to build a case if their client couldn`t produce a story. But maybe the memory loss was the story… She knew several reasons why one would not be able to recall certain events. She herself, although having been able to speak fluent Hindi as a young child, now found herself at a complete loss if someone spoke to her in the Indian language.

`And did that ever happen to you before, that you can`t recall exactly what happened?`

`Black-outs, you mean?`

The contrast between the girl that had been sitting on her living room floor and this pensive adolescent was really impressive. She still looked very young and scared, but she didn`t panic, even though she had every reason too. The contrast with her mother also was quite grand.

`Yes, Black-outs`

Well, actually yeah, since my birthday they have been occurring at times, that I wake up in the morning and I don`t remember how I got into bed…`

`And in those times, had you taken anything?`

`No! I mean the worse thing I did was once take a swig of whiskey from my dad`s liquor cabinet, and it tasted terrible so I never did that again. Well, Martin let me try a sip of his screwdriver a couple of times, and it was ok, but it wasn’t more than a sip. I don`t drink, seriously, and I don`t do drugs.`

Kalinda saw the plea in the girl`s eyes, and couldn`t help but reassure her:

`Sorry, honey, We have to ask you those things, the police will ask them too.`

The moment she had let slip the endearment, Kalinda could simply hit herself. The perplexed look on Alicia`s face would have been funny if the situation hadn`t been so serious. Trying to avoid her friend`s stare, Kalinda focused once again on the girl.

`Now how is your relationship to your stepfather?`

`Well, he actually isn`t around so much, always playing, you know, but when he is there he is always trying to do fun stuff with me, so I guess he is kind of cool.`

Alicia`s cool, kind of hoarse voice broke in, and Kalinda was yet again ashtonished by the fact that one sound could evoke such contradictive emotions in her. It calmed her and it aroused her at the same time…

`You guess?`

`Well there is something…`

`Yes?`

Kalinda knew this was the moment in which Alicia won over the client. She had always admired that in the other women. She knew when to let go and she knew when to keep quiet but she also knew how a simple question could push the client –or the opposition for that matter- into saying just that little bit more.

`Something that I don’t really get, you know, just a feeling I get when he gets near me.`

`That`s enough!`

Kalinda saw how Alex`s shoulders jerked forward at the sound of her mother`s voice, again an instinctive reaction she rather wouldn`t have recognized.

`You always had something against him, and now this? I get home to find this? I don`t know who you are anymore. I don`t know what I am doing here.`

And with those words Elizabeth Stern left the hearing chamber where her daughter was held. Jonas obviously doubting who to support at this moment. Kalinda had never seen him as the fatherly type and his hesitation proved her right, but he took her, and so she saw, his daughter, by surprise by sitting down next to the girl and taking her hand.

`Honey, I don`t know what happened, you don`t know what happened. But I know this. No matter what it is, I`ll stand by you, and these women stand by you. They are the best in the field. Of course I still hope to convince them to come and work for me, but that`s not the reason I let your mom call them. I want you to have the best, because I love you.`

As their client leaned against her father`s arm, Kalinda caught Alicia`s eye. It was as if a thunderbolt struck her. The confused pain she saw, and the guilt she felt herself for previous actions, mixed into a turmoil of emotions that threatened to take over. 

But she couldn`t… wouldn`t let them yet. 

Quickly, she glanced at her watch, indicating to Alicia that their time was running out. Now that their client had the parental support that was needed to post bail, although from an unexpected source, they could stripe at least that item of their list. Kalinda felt herself slip into nothingness as she heard Alicia`s calming voice explain to the girl the proceedings, how they would question her, and probably keep her for the night, awaiting the bail hearing in the morning. She hardly objected when Antony came in and ordered her and Jonas out of the room, leaving only Alicia to take care of their client. As if a ghost she found her way to a restroom, where she violently vomited before starting to have some sensation in her body again. She looked up to the mirror, but avoided to look into her eyes.

Knowing she would not see confidence, but fear. 

Knowing she would not see present, but past. 

Knowing she would not see Kalinda, but Leela.

 

TBC


	4. -I want to go to your place-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alicia is ready to spend the night, working, at her best friends apartment, but is surprised by the emotions Kalinda evokes in her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Don`t own any character`s from `The Good Wife`, but if I could just put Kalinda in a box...
> 
> Musical inspiration: Throughout the whole series: IRIS of the GOO GOO DOLLS and LOSING MY RELIGION of R.E.M
> 
> Hi, everyone! Thanks for sticking with me, here. I have this thing where I start writing and then I kind of... can`t stop... LOL. Anyway, I think this might become a true `series` out of which this story, `Heartbroken` would be the first episode. What do you all think? Suggestions welcome! Hope to find out if you like it, so far!
> 
> xxx  
> JLBT

Heartbroken, Chapter 3

 

`No, Kalinda, I don`t want to go back to the office, I want to go to your place.`

Kalinda grimaced at the irony. The words she wanted to hear so badly, from the right person, in the most terrible of circumstance.

`But, I…`

A frustrated grunt came from Alicia`s throat as she turned towards her friend. The briefcase she was holding swayed dangerously close to Kalinda`s legs. The Indian woman felt her breathing fasten as Alicia brought her face closer to hers.

`I`m sick of these games, Kalinda…`

The way Alicia pronounced her name almost made Kalinda`s knees buckle and she couldn`t help but glance at the lips that were so close to hers. To kiss them would be an escape, the ultimate escape. But the investigator knew that, not only was there no chance to be kissed back, the woman before her was dangerous. Dangerous for the wall she had so carefully surrounded her heart with. Her words, however, were confusing, and Kalinda found herself stammering.

`Why… wh… what are you talking about?`

Alicia had caught the movement of Kalinda`s eyes and she felt how her lips suddenly turned dry. She felt the other woman`s warmth radiate from her and sensed her soft breath against her face. For a moment she was mesmerized by Kalinda`s eyes. Those dark, warm pools of emotions that she seemed to see for the first time. But then she remembered the kiss she had witnessed and she felt like someone had thrown a bucket of ice-water over her.

`I am tired, sticky and in dire need of a shower and some caffeine. And since my kids are already asleep, and we both know the poor state of the firm`s coffee, we are going to your place to see these dvd`s, whether you like it or not.`

`I could do it by myself if you prefer`

`Oh shut up, Kalinda`

Without further ado, Alicia got in the car and impatiently opened the passenger`s door, signaling to her friend to get in.

..

Alicia… Alicia Florrick actually was in her shower…

Kalinda shook her head as she placed the DVD`s in chronological order in front of her. Of course they would first watch the events of tonight. Even though the guard had already told her he hadn`t seen anything out of the ordinary, Kalinda knew from experience in retrospect everything was different. Furthermore everything was in the eye of the beholder. As she adjusted her television screen and put up her 2 laptops in order to multitask while they were working, she heard the water stop running. Glancing in the mirror, the investigator quickly smoothed out her hair, when she caught herself in the act.

What was she doing? 

This wasn`t a date! 

Alicia could care less how she looked. Scolding herself, she quickly changed in a more comfortable outfit, choosing a black yoga-style pants and a white sleeveless shirt, not at ALL because it clung to her body. As if in an afterthought she collected some clothes for Alicia to wear and made her way to the bathroom-door.

…

Kalinda`s apartment was small, but cosy. It fitted her and it did not… The woman was a mystery, a frustrating, fascinating mystery full of contradictions. Alicia had restrained herself not to go through her friends medicine cabinet, although her throbbing headache would have given her an excuse, but she wasn`t sure if that was because she was a good person, or because she was afraid what she would find. Wrapping the huge towel around her, Alicia wished she had thought to bring the change of clothes she always brought in her car. Although another pantsuit would be just as uncomfortable as the current one, at least she wouldn`t have to feel all sticky and dirty again. A short knock on the door made her jump and she couldn’t help but laugh at herself, thinking it must be her bad conscience that made her respond like that.  
Opening the door without a second thought, Alicia found herself face to face with Kalinda… But a completely different Kalinda then the one she was used to. The leather-jacketed, highheeled-booted tough girl had made way for a far more accessible, but not immediately softer version. The dark hair casually pulled back in a ponytail, out of which several long curly locks had escaped and now surrounded her face, her arms free from fabric revealing toned, strong muscles… 

Alicia felt that strange sensation again, the pull to be closer to this woman she considered her best friend. The urge to be held by those strong arms… Where was this coming from? Confused and now self-conscious, Alicia adjusted the towel, which suddenly seemed too small. Kalinda, who had moments before been speechless at the sight of the object of her affection, saw her vulnerability and immediately averted her eyes.

`I just thought I would bring you something to wear…`

Placing the items of clothing in the sink, the Indian woman turned to leave, but was stopped by Alicia`s shivering voice, hoarsely uttering her name.

`Kalinda?`

`Yes?`

Her heart pounding voraciously, Kalinda turned, finding herself almost pressed against the other woman in the tiny space. Alicia felt a response she hadn`t felt in a long time. She had thought she had felt it, when she had kissed Will. She had willed herself to feel it, when she made love to her husband. But now she knew, neither of those came even close. 

She smelled Kalinda`s smell, the soft flowery thing that was her perfume or her soap or something, combined with that spicy scent that was just her. The lawyer felt her knees go weak. What she felt was unmistakingly and inevitably, desire…  
And it scared the living daylight out of her.

`It`s just… Nothing…`

Kalinda tried to search the face of the woman before her. For a moment she had thought she had seen something, a longing, in Alicia`s eyes, but, as those beautiful eyes once again avoided her, she knew it must have been a trick of the light. Or, more likely, wishful thinking. She couldn`t help but reach out, touch the softness of Alicia`s bare forearm, but when Alicia withdrew as if she was burned, Kalinda felt awful.

`No, what? If there is anything you need?`

Her voice sounded… needy… clingy… Oh my god the investigator hated it when anyone acted like that around her, so why she was acting like this herself now?

`Need?`

The look in Alicia`s eyes was unfocused and she repeated the word as in a dream. What she needed was right in front of her, so close and yet so far away.  
Was that the reason that she had wished for Kalinda to come out to her?  
The reason she was so upset about the kiss with the detective?  
Because of her own feelings for the investigator?  
And what were those feelings exactly, beside the most obvious one that was now wetting the inside of her thighs?

`Aspirin!`

She coughed out the word, pushing all other thoughts out of her aching head, trying to focus on the long night of work that lay ahead.

`Of course, headache?`

Kalinda reached to the medicine cabinet and opened it, getting out a small bottle. She tried to sound casual, but her heart wrenched in pain at Alicia`s earlier response to her touch. She knew the response was what she deserved, but Alicia didn`t know the reason she deserved it.  
Would she ever find out? Should she tell her? And risk losing the friendship that had, in such a short time, had come to mean so much to her?  
She placed the analgesic on the sink, desperately trying to avoid touching the other woman again.

`I`ve set everything up in the living room. I`ll see you there in a moment.`

As the investigator left, Alicia felt a coldness, a sadness wash over her she hadn`t foreseen. And while she dropped the towel and picked up the clothes, she couldn`t help but press the fabric against her face, inhaling the smell.  
The fresh, flowery scent she associated with the Indian woman, invaded her nostrils and evoked another wave of desire. Harshly reprimanding herself, Alicia dressed before taking two of the pills.  
She thought of the interaction and was surprised once again by how well Kalinda knew her. Not one other person she knew would have been so considerate to bring her a change of comfortable clothes, or instantly know what was the problem as she asked for a painkiller. And, she realized now, she had never even thanked Kalinda for any of those things. 

The image of what that `Thank you` should look like, forced itself into her mind, but was quickly replaced by the one of Kalinda kissing the unshaved detective. Looking into her own eyes in the mirror, Alicia sighed.

It was going to be a long night.

TBC.


	5. -Taking it all in-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drinks, dinner and a flashback. The case and Alicia are getting to Kalinda. The kiss and the flirting is getting to Alicia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don`t own any on the characters from the show `The Good Wife`, just borrowing.
> 
> Musical inspiration: Losing my religion R.E.M
> 
>  
> 
> A/N: So, the story is starting to get a little more angsty, hope your still with me ;) Let me know what you think? Suggestions welcome!
> 
> Ps. Thanks Fluff for your comment, its greatly appreciated!

Heartbroken, Chapter 4

Alicia flexed her neck to the side, trying to release some of the tension and with that slight movement caught sight of her co-worker. Her heart stopped momentarily as she saw how Kalinda pushed a strand of escaped hair behind her ear. Her eyes flew, from her computer screen, to the TV and then to some papers before her.

And Alicia had no doubt in her mind the woman was taking it all in.

There had been nothing interesting in the tape of the premises during the actual attack. They had seen Martin arrive on his motorcycle and get his way in about 2 hours after the girl had gotten home from school. Now they were mostly fast-forwarding through the other days, trying to catch something. In the mean time, Alicia was scribbling some ideas on paper, but she didn`t know if it was because she was tired and distracted or because she simply wasn`t as good at multitasking as the other woman, but nothing seemed to come to her. They needed a story, preferably the truth, but fiction would do. The bail hearing had been set for early in the morning.

Alicia did think it was achievable to get her client out on a reasonable bail, the girl had no priors and looked harmless. The problem however was not only the crime -The assault had been brutal, and at least several ribs and possibly the skull of the victim had been fractured.- but also the high-profile victim. It would be hard to find a judge, or a jury for that matter, in Chicago who wasn`t a fan of the Cubs. If she could just find something to use. Something to make a story…

The ringing of her cellphone brought Alicia out of her daze, and the woman realized she had been staring at Kalinda the entire time. A realization that made her blush as she answered.

`Yes?`

`Its Blake. Listen, I have a list of classmates and friends that I can question, do you want me to get on it tonight?`

`No actually, I think that can wait until we have a hearing, what else have you got?`

Alicia saw Kalinda focus on her and pause the video. She put the phone on speaker so her colleague could hear the information first hand.

`I found some diaries, but besides some highschool crushes and drama, there is nothing worth mentioning in there. Some of his friends are saying he was trying to get into the good books of the girl in order to stay good with the mom, but that she proved to be difficult. Telling lies about him and specific. No report on the extent of the injuries yet, I`m trying to get to the hospital, but that's proving to be quite difficult since they are very protective of this VIP-patient. I heard some gossip on the guy doing dope, do you want me to look in on that?`

Alicia saw Kalinda face light up and she followed the investigator with her eyes as she made her way to her own phone, looking shortly in Alicia`s eyes with a nod.

`Yes, yes please that could be a lead. Anything else?`

`Do you have anything specific that you want me to be looking for?`

Alicia sighed. She was sick of all these people asking these obvious question. When Kalinda had just communicated with her, it had also been wordlessly, and even though she did not fully understand where the other woman was headed, she knew she would soon find out.

`Anything that can discredit him is good for our client, but what we are looking for right now is a story. Our client can`t remember the events, which gives us a great disadvantage. Especially when the victim will wake up and give us HIS, and the ONLY version of the assault. `

`Fine, I`m on it. Are you at the firm? If I have to bring something by, or anything.`

`Actually I`m at…`

Before she could finish her sentence, Kalinda sharply turned and made the unmistakable signal not to.

`I`m not at the firm, but…`

Kalinda quickly scribbled something on a paper and pushed it into Alicia`s view

**e-mail!**

`But you can scan and mail your findings if you will. I`m really busy… And tired… So, just… call me when you find anything ok, I`ll be up all night.`

**Don't harass hospital, unnecessary**

`Oh and don`t get on a wrong foot with the hospital. I have a way to get that information. Just use your time to dig up stuff on Flagg, ok?`

The slight smile that played around Kalinda`s lips made clear that Alicia had understood her written hints correctly.

`Ok, I`ll talk to you later, then`

Blake's voice sounded suspicious when he hung up, and Alicia couldn`t blame him.

`What was that all about?`

Kalinda raised her hand, her forefinger slightly up, in the recognizable gesture that indicated her to hold on. Alicia felt the frustration rise again, and only the former experience that, after such a gesture, she would usually be informed about what was in Kalinda`s mind –at least when it came to a case- made her withdraw her interruption. The Indian woman reached for her mobile, quickly dialing a number.

`Bill? Hi… It`s Kalinda. Haha. Yes I know. Have you got anything yet? Oh come on, of COURSE that's the only reason I`m calling. You know me, I`m ruthless. Haha. Well I would offer you tickets to the Cubs, but… Yeah, that's what I`m saying… `

Alicia felt her eye`s narrow as she saw her friend shamelessly flirt over the phone. The voice soft, almost tenderly teasing, the laughing sounded fake in her ears. But then again who was she to say how an investigator should do his or her job. It bothered her though. The kiss, earlier, the flirting now. Was THAT how Kalinda got her information? She was a gorgeous woman, but she was also incredibly smart, strong and had an amazing sarcastic sense of humor. It kind of disappointed Alicia that a woman of Kalinda`s capacities would only use her body to get her what she wanted.

The lawyer shook her head and mentally reprimanded herself. Not only was it not true –for it was Kalinda`s wit and intelligence that got her to filter and chose the information she would pursuit- she knew it was not the only reason for her disappointment. She knew it had something to do with these confusing sensations in the shower, but she was terrified to make the link.

`Listen Bill, in all seriousness, I need a favor. Do you know by any chance if they ran a tox-screen? Can you figure it out? And if not, could you convince someone to do it? It would really help me a lot. What? Yes! Yes I would. Do you still have my… Hahaha, of course you do! Drinks on me, next time. Yes. Great! I really owe you Bill…`

A pensive manner remained in Kalinda as she disconnected the call, and immediately the woman dialed another number.

`Tony, listen, I… What? No! Of course not, I`m working!`

Did Kalinda actually blush? Alicia felt her stomach cramp as she thought of what this `Tony` on the other side of the line had suggested they do.

`Burton! Listen to me, I need you to put our client through your tox-screen... Yes of course you know how to do your job, that`s not what I`m saying…

As she realized who Kalinda was talking to, Alicia felt herself freeze up.

'Would you let me finish? I need you to check for GHB, I know it`s not a regular check, but by the time we will get a sample it may already be out of her system… No… No, Tony I`m not `calling in a favor`. You know it`s the right thing to do. You can even take the credit for the find, if you want. Yeah, yeah, drinks are on me.`

Suppressing the childish urge to whiningly and mockingly utter the sentences what were going on in her head -`I really owe you, Bill… Oooohh Antony, kiss me again please…`- Alicia found her way to the fridge, and got out two soda`s. Throwing one to her friend, she hoped Kalinda wouldn`t hear the emotion in her voice as she finally spoke.

`So… You`ll be buying a lot of drinks.`

Kalinda, distracted, put the soda on the table, as she looked up something on her computer.

`What? Oh, yeah…`

She signaled Alicia to move closer, and as she saw the images on the screen, she felt her eyebrow`s raise. X ray`s and something that looked like a CTscan, filled the screen.

`Are those?`

`Martin Flaggs test results? Yeah`

Admiration mixed with reluctance to feel that emotion, filled Alicia from within. She had always liked the frase `You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar`. Blake seemed a vinegar-man, while Kalinda obviously practiced the honey-theory. She just didn`t like how many people were attracted by this sweet substance and how much of it the investigator actually gave away.

`The tox-screen will take a while, especially on the GHB. In the hospital it`s in the standard package, but the police doesn`t do it so frequently, cause it`s quite an expensive test.`

Alicia tried to put her focus back on the case.

`GHB, isn`t that…`

`The rape-drug, yeah. It causes memory-loss, dilated pupils, headaches, among other things, did you look into her eyes Alicia?`

`So, are you saying that he gave it to her? Are you implying he…`

Alicia`s pale, shocked face, almost triggered the flashback that Kalinda felt was still lurking around, waiting for the right, and probably most inappropriate, moment to sneak up on her. It had been a long time since she had had one. The nightmares actually were more regular, but at least she would wake up from those. In a flashback she always felt as if she was swept away in a world that she couldn`t escape from. A therapist had once tried to explain her the concept, in regard to a client of course, but the matter-of-fact words the psychologist had used seemed to have nothing to do with the actual experience.

`Well, she did say it felt weird when he got near her.`

`You got all that from the fact the kid said she felt something strange when he got near her? It's a mighty accusation, especially against a VIP`

`Oh, wait, so because he gets overpaid to pay a stupid game he can`t be a bad person? Come on, Alicia!`

`I`m not saying that, I`m just saying we might overplay our hand. I mean a jury could turn against us if they think we are just using that to get their sympathy for our client. We would need more evidence to point in that direction. Maybe the diaries, although I feel reluctant to use them yet, especially since we don`t have the girl`s permission. I wonder how Blake got them.`

As Alicia kept talking, trying to find a way to prove her theory, Kalinda noticed that her voice seemed to come from further and further away. The relieve, that despite her obvious disgust at the possibility, Alicia did not immediately dismiss it as untrue, had lowered her guards. A rush of feelings for the other woman overflowed her, like a wave, and she felt as if that wave separated her from her surroundings.

`Leela… Come here babyji…` The words were spoken in Hindi, but Leela understood as she carelessly, trustingly, made her way to the one who had uttered them. The dark hand, and the contrast to her somewhat lighter skin as he placed it on her knee, moving up the flowery skirt…

`Kalinda?`

The soft touch of her hand brought Kalinda back to the present, but the Indian woman couldn`t bear it. She jumped up, as if bitten and felt her body tremble. She turned her back to the other woman, desperate to hide the emotions that were racing through her. She felt Alicia approach and from the corner of her eye, saw the hand the other woman wanted to lay on her shoulder to turn her around.

`Kalinda?`

The way Alicia pronounced her name had always felt like an endearment. She said it frequently, and with a tone that usually had the tendency to melt the investigator. But the tender worry with which it was uttered now, simply took Kalinda`s breath away. Why? Why was she letting this woman so close? She couldn`t, it was dangerous, it hurt, she could never… She had decided to never let herself. But as she caught Alicia`s wrist in an attempt to avoid the contact the other woman was about to make, and looked, ever so shortly, into those beautiful brown eyes. She knew it was already too late.

She was in love with Alicia Florrick.

…

Putting the plate with the chicken sandwich in front of her friend, she pushed the glass of milk in the woman`s trembling hands.

`What happened there?`

Alicia felt as if she was repeating this question over and over again today. To her client, to Kalinda… And she wasn`t sure if she would get a more satisfying answer from the latter than from the first.

`It`s ok, you`re probably right, I just haven`t eaten properly`

Her empty stomach growled as if to support her statement, and the two women smiled at each other.

`Maybe you should stop buying people drinks and put some food on the table once in a while.`

Alicia`s twinkling eyes that accompanied the teasing, made Kalinda laugh, but the look that followed just confused her. Trying to grasp a hold of their usual banter, the investigator responded without hesitation.

`What? Dinner? You think I make that kind of commitment to just anyone?`

As she gestured to the food in front of her, offering Alicia half of her sandwich, the attorney seemed to avoid her eyes. The silence that followed seemed heavy and, somehow, uncomfortable. Suddenly, Kalinda sensed what was coming, but it was like watching a train-wreck, she sensed the upcoming doom, but was frozen in her tracks with no way to stop it.

`So… You and Burton, huh?`

The lawyer had meant to make that sound more casual than it actually came out. She sounded… Jealous? Why did that word make so much sense to what she was feeling, but no rational sense at all?

`Alicia…`

Kalinda pronounced her name in a way that was a mix between begging and warning.

`What? It`s just a question, he doesn`t seem like your type, that's all.`

`Hmmm… So what would be my `type` actually?`

Her eyes shining with amusement and fear, Kalinda looked at Alicia over her sandwich, of which she had just taken a large bite. Devouring the tasty bread, she let the tip of her tongue slip out to catch some crumbs and felt how her heart started to race as she caught Alicia`s eyes, following the movement. Alicia`s lips were slightly parted and she seemed to breath heavily, her eyes were hazy, her pupils dilated and her cheeks slightly red. Kalinda had just received the answer to her own question, looking at her co-worker, who, definitely, was her `type`.

`I don`t know, less… rugged… than this guy, I guess.`

Kalinda laughed, but the sound lacked humor.

`Oh come on, Alicia, you thought my type wasn`t a man at all and it surprised you. You are shocked to find out I have heterosexual tendencies, or what? I don`t get what you want from me?`

The frustration made her words sound more harsh than she actually meant them, but they made Alicia back up a little, which at least was a momentarily relieve. That's to say until the moment she felt the cold that resulted from the distance. The freezing cold that also sounded through in the other woman`s reply.

`Oh, no, it`s fine, it`s just, I didn`t know that was the way you got things done…`

The moment the harshly spoken words had exited her mouth, Alicia regretted them. But when she saw the look in Kalinda`s eyes, she could simply kick herself. The shock and pain, that were so clearly visible in the younger woman`s face before she completely closed up again, filled Alicia`s own heart and she felt the muscle contract with a dull ache. As if in slow motion she saw Kalinda built up the wall she had so carefully tried to dissolve during their friendship. Stone by stone she saw the investigator get further away from her. She wanted to say something to prevent the process to get any further, to take away, take back, the pain she had inflicted with her words. But it was too late. As she opened her mouth to speak, Kalinda put up her hand.

`I think it`s time to get back to work`

`But K..`

`No! Work!`

Leaving the half eaten sandwich in the table, Kalinda pushed herself up, the anger that boiled inside of her the incentive she needed to move away. She knew Alicia hadn`t meant what she said.

She knew she would ultimately forgive her, most likely sooner than later, but that wouldn`t prevent her from hearing those words over and over in her mind.

And neither would it deny them to be true.

TBC


	6. -Distant cousins, maybe?`

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why does Kalinda kissing Burton have such effect on Alicia? From coldness, to tenderness, to laughter, to revelations. A rollercoaster ride, this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the character`s of the show `The Good Wife`. Hope it`s ok that I borrowed them for this story.
> 
> Musical inspiration: Sweet dreams, Eurythmics
> 
>  
> 
> A/N: First of all, thanks so much for sticking with this story, so far. Hope you are enjoying it! Big shout out for Miss Femina! What a lovely comment, thank you so much for taking the time and effort for it!! This chapter is sort of all over the place, emotionwise... But then, so is life sometimes, isn`t it? Ready for the ride? Buckle up!
> 
> P.S. Open to suggestions, please let me know what you think!

Heartbroken, Chapter 5

Every few seconds Alicia glanced at Kalinda, who seemed completely absorbed in her work. Sometimes one of them would make a comment about something seen on the video, or something Kalinda found in her research, but the comments were short and the long silences nearly unbearable.

Alicia felt tears burning in her eyes as she excused herself to use the restroom and maybe it was the blur those tears caused that made her miss the eyes that followed her every move as she left the living room.

Kalinda inhaled deeply when the door closed behind the other woman. Her anger had quickly made way for guilt. Who was she to be angry? Wasn`t what Alicia had said-or rather suggested- by her words, wasn`t it what she feared herself? That all she was good for, was sex? That all that made her good at her job, was her ability to flirt, her ability to use her body, her kisses, her `affection`, to get what she wanted? And wasn`t it the truth? She had felt Alicia`s instant regret, what made it even harder. She didn`t want anyone to see her like that, like – let`s be honest here- a prostitute, but least of all she wanted Alicia to think of her in that way.

Alicia made her… made her want to be… Better.

A better person.

A desire, an impossible desire, she had never had before.

Kalinda had the vast conviction people couldn`t change. At least not from bad to good. Maybe the other way around, yes.

Was that what she had been trying to do, that time at the bar with Alicia? Trying to make her convert to the bad side, so they would be more compatible. Hell, that was pathetic. But so was this. She was hurting a person she lo… cared deeply about, and only because that person had pointed out a truth about herself she was reluctant to hear.

…

Alicia watched at herself in the bathroom mirror, her eyes deep and darkened by tired- and sadness and quickly looked away. How could she? Just as it seemed like her friend was opening up to her. So… She had been wrong, Kalinda wasn`t a lesbian. So, she had seen her kiss a cop. Maybe they were dating, maybe she was in love with him, maybe it meant nothing.

But, why was it that that last option gave her the most relieve? Was she jealous of Kalinda? Of her freedom to kiss whoever she pleased?

Or… The thought crept in unexpected…

Was she jealous of the cop. For kissing Kalinda?

`Oh my god`

She whispered the words, glancing a disgusted look at herself. Had she been making up the whole `Kalinda is a closeted lesbian-thing` just to feel desired? Had she assumed that IF Kalinda indeed was into women, the woman she would fall for would be her? Seriously? How self-absorbed was she! She felt more like a suburban housewife now than when she actually was one. It had all been in her head. The tension, the touches, the glances. She was just making it up. But why? Just to make her feel better about herself? Or was there more?

A slight knock on the door interrupted her train of thought, and she felt even more confused than she had before she entered the bathroom.

`Alicia, are you ok?`

Kalinda`s voice had lost the sharp edge that had carried their conversation just moments earlier and Alicia felt how a single tear escaped from the corner of her eye and slid down her cheek. Quickly wiping it away, hoping to do the same with her confusing feelings, she turned to the door she hadn`t bothered to lock, which now slowly opened. For the second time in one night she found herself close to the other woman in the small space, as Kalinda took a step towards her.

To Alicia`s immense surprise, the investigator brought her hand up to her face and cupped it, her cheek and her chin, in her soft palm, forcing her to look into those dark brown eyes. As she stroked away the trace of the tear with her thumb, Alicia felt as if everything fell into place, even though she couldn`t quite put into words what that `place` was. Her breathing, that had momentarily stopped, picked up at a higher frequency as Kalinda moved closer.

`I`m sorry`

The Indian woman`s breath tickled Alicia`s lips and she felt a shiver of delight go through her body. The moment seemed to freeze and for a moment all that existed was them, so close. The seconds seemed to turn into minutes, but still their proximity wasn`t uncomfortable, quite the contrary, Alicia wanted more… As she took the small step that separated them and felt her body melt into the other woman`s, she almost moaned. She honestly did so when the sound of the telephone caused Kalinda to jerk away from her, stubbing her elbow hard against the sink in the process. As Kalinda, profusely swearing and rubbing her arm, went to look for the ringing culprit, Alicia once again was left alone with her thoughts.

…

Kalinda looked at the red swelling right above her elbow and shook her head. It was going to bruise, and that was exactly what she deserved.

What had she been thinking?

If that phone hadn`t rung at exactly that moment, she would have kissed Alicia, and then all hell would have broken loose.

Or would it have? For a moment there, it had looked as if it was Alicia who was looking for more contact.

Oh hell! What was she thinking anyway, falling for a married woman?

What was she thinking falling for her best friend?

What was she thinking falling for anyone at all?

She had decided never to let anyone close to her again, when she had become Kalinda and she should force herself to keep to that decision.

Maybe the best way to do that was tell Alicia the truth. If the lawyer would know Kalinda had slept with her husband, chances were high she would never want to see her again. Although that would solve her problem, she couldn`t get herself to undertake the action that would, most likely, push Alicia completely out of her life. Finding the phone, she absentmindedly picked up, and went through the phonecall as if on auto-pilot. She heard herself joke, flirt and respond to the news the tests she had requested had been ordered but refused to make a commitment to how and when she would `pay Tony back` for his information.

`Did he do it?`

Alicia`s voice sounded sexily hoarse, as if she had just woken up, and the attorney coughed.

`Yes, the results will be in first thing tomorrow. While you are at the bail-hearing I can go talk to Alex` friends. Unless you rather want Blake on that.`

Kalinda had tried to make the last sentence sound casual, but she failed miserably.

`Does it bother you?`

`What?`

`That I asked Blake to help? What is it between the two of you? He keeps calling you Leela, as if he is trying to make some sort of point, and whenever I see the two of you interact, there is this… tension. Now don`t tell me that it`s just competitive, cause it`s more than that…`

Kalinda sighed and sat down on the couch, pulling her feet under her. The position she was in made an inexplicable feeling of tenderness rush through the lawyer, who carefully sat next to her friend.

`Listen, it`s just… There are different kind of investigators. There are the ones that are… persuasive… searching info in the things that people let slip. And there are those that use, let`s say, other means, to make sure they get the info they want. To make sure someone tells them what they want to hear. Blake is… He will find you the information you want, because even if it doesn`t exist he will create it.`

`You`re saying he is violent, and you`re not?`

Kalinda chuckled.

`Oh, believe you me, I kick ass if the situation requires it. It`s just… different.`

`And this `Leela` thing?`

For a moment Alicia felt like Kalinda was going to avoid the question, like she usually did. She had already gotten closer to her friend than ever, just talking about Blake. Experience told her that, if Kalinda had told her something she felt was personal, whenever they `shared a moment`, the Indian woman would avoid her for a while after that. Even bigger was the surprise when she heard the trembling voice.

`I didn`t… Like… My life… So I decided to change it.`

`You changed it? How?`

It was like handling a wounded animal. If she approached too quickly, the hurt creature would flee. Alicia desperately hoped Kalinda would keep talking, and she was silently praying, to whatever God was listening, that the phone wouldn`t ring for a while.

`I just changed it`

`Were you in some kind of trouble?`

`Why would you say that?

`It`s just that, usually when a person wants to change their life, they do so because of some kind of trouble`

The smile that lingered on Kalinda`s lips seemed distracted, as if she was looking into another world.

She had been so young when she had been watching her house, eaten up by flames. She had been stuck in a never ending circle of pain and she had wanted it to end. As she had stood there, wishing the flames had devoured her also, the idea had gotten into her head. She didn`t remember exactly how she had managed to arrange everything so quickly, but after a few hours she had been in her way to USA, sitting next to the truckdriver who had picked her up. The guy had gotten her a new ID, because she`d said she had `lost` hers. Of course he knew better. She hadn`t had any money to pay him, so he had made her pay him in another way. But she couldn`t have cared less. She was freed from Leela, freed from the expectations, freed from him. She now was Kalinda. And everything was going to be different.

`Can we talk about something else?`

Kalinda`s voice sounded vulnerable, but not completely dismissive and although Alicia respected her question, she also felt the other woman allowed her to probe some more.

`Sure… I… Kalinda, I`m really sorry what I suggested before about you and Burton. I mean, you have every right to be with anyone you please. How long have you two been dating?`

Kalinda, who had just reached out to a glass of water on the table and taken a sip, coughed, thereby spraying the water in all directions. While quickly mopping up the humidity in order to prevent it from reaching the technological devices that were on the table, Kalinda`s smile deepened. How had Alicia known to say just the thing that would push her out of her stupor? She turned to face to Alicia, who was handing her some more paper towels, and saw how her smile surprised the other woman.

`I`m not… Dating… him… You should know by now, Alicia, I don`t date. He is just a friend.`

The way Alicia`s eyesbrows moved as she frowned was incredibly appealing and Kalinda felt the jittery feeling of butterflies in her stomach she should have gotten used to by now.

`A friend with benefits?`

This time Kalinda laughed out loud, a sound that surprised even herself, but that made Alicia`s eyes light up. Did the investigator have any idea how beautiful she was?

`Well, it certainly has benefits to have a friend like Tony`

She caught sight of Alicia`s expression and turned serious.

` I know those are not the kinds of `benefits` you`re talking about… Listen, Alicia. We are different people. You are the `relationship` type… I just… I don`t do that. It`s not in my genes or something, I don`t know. It just doesn't work for me that way. When I feel like kissing someone, I kiss them. And when I feel like having sex, and so does the other, what`s wrong with that? In this world, sex is too many times confused with love.`

`So you don`t think the two are related`

`Distant cousins, maybe?`

Alicia sighed, although Kalinda`s answers were frustratingly evasive, she was glad to catch a glimpse of the humor she had missed.

`Ok, Alicia, let me give you an example. Do you love Peter?`

`Yes`

`So are the two of you having sex?`

`That`s completely different, Kalinda, he…`

Kalinda put up her hand in the movement that seemed to make everyone in the world stop talking.

`I know, and I didn`t ask it to insult you, I just am making my point. You can love someone without having sex with them and you can have sex with someone without loving them. There are certain… Things… about myself, that I rather keep to myself. I`ve found that, doing that, a relationship is a difficult thing to pursuit. Next to that, I have no desire for that kind of intimacy, to read the paper together, of share a bowl of yoghurt. I`m simply NOT that kind of person.`

As Kalinda spoke the words, she suddenly had a mental image of Alicia in an old striped pajama, feeding her a bite of breakfast while she looked over her shoulder into the newspaper. The longing for that image to become the truth, and the surprise that came with the strength of that emotion, momentarily took her breath away.

`So you don`t `do` love.`

`Right`

`So you`ve never been in love?`

Immediately breaking eye-contact, Kalinda uncomfortably shifted on the couch, trying to get away from Alicia`s warmth.

`Shouldn`t we be getting back to work?`

Knowing she had touched a sensitive point, Alicia stored this piece of information about her best friend for later, for now simply allowing her to think she let the subject rest.

 

TBC


	7. -A Force To Be Reckoned With

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> `He`s in love with you, you know...`

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of the TVshow: the good wife. Just love them!
> 
> Musical inspiration: Wild thing, Jimi Hendrix
> 
>  
> 
> A/N: Hi everyone! Here`s a short one, with a dreamy surprise. Hope you`ll enjoy! Let me know what you think!

Chapter 6 –A Force To Be Reckoned With-

Wanting to show Alicia something she had found on their client`s facebook page, Kalinda turned around to see her friend had drifted off and was mesmerized by the transformation that had taken place in the Alicia`s face.

She knew the attorney wore a mask around most people. She had seen her negotiate with Gold, cross witnesses, talk with Will, and have a completely different demeanor in every single one of those interactions.

But she had thought in her presence, Alicia had felt she could be herself.

Now, seeing the relaxation in her sleeping friend, she thought… She knew she had been wrong.

While she was watching, she noticed how Alicia`s eyes started to move more, indicating she was dreaming. Her heartrate picked up as she saw Alicia bite her bottom lip, stroking her cheek snuggly against the pillow. The moan that seemed to come from deep within made it even more clear to Kalinda what sort of dream Alicia was having. She knew she had to wake her friend, but the highly sensuous sound had weakened her and it was as if she could do nothing more than keep watching.

_Kalinda gently cupped her face in the palm of her hand and stroked away the remainders of the tear that had just slid down. Then, the investigator moved closer and let her lips follow the same path. Moaning, Alicia pressed her face closer to the soft caress and felt her desire rise. As Kalinda pulled back to look into Alicia`s eyes, the attorney found herself at loss for words, but not for actions. Taking the investigators face into her own hands, she slowly moved closer until her lips finally reached those of the other woman. Groaning in relieve, she found herself licking their softness, begging for access, and when that was willingly granted, lost herself in the most passionate kiss she had ever experienced._

_Letting her hands slide up and down Kalinda`s toned arms, she felt the woman shiver and deepened the kiss even more. Feeling soft hands stroking her back, finding a way under her shirt, she grinded herself closer to Kalinda, wrapping her thighs around the other woman`s upper leg. She felt her own hands slide under the cotton sleeveless shirt, and find… Softness… Such immense softness. Kalinda shook in her arms as she slowly started to explore her breasts, making a circular movement, closer and closer to it`s erect center._

_Pushing off the Indian woman`s shirt and tossing it aside, she slowly started to move her backwards onto the couch, pushing her down as her tongue trailed a path from the investigator`s neck to the softness her hands had just caressed._

_`Alicia`_

_Kalinda`s voice sounded hoarse and breathless from desire and Alicia moved her face up to look into those extraordinary eyes, kissing gently the lips before her._

_`Alicia`_  


`Alicia`

Suddenly the voice had sounded with more urgency and Alicia felt herself being pulled from the dream that had felt so real. Feeling the softness of Kalinda`s hand make contact with her upper arm, Alicia lingered for a short time between dream and reality, watching hazily how those almost-black eyes in front of her seemed to focus on her features.

`The hearing will be in 90 minutes.`

That piece of information certainly woke Alicia completely. Pushing herself up she tried to suppress the beating of her heart and the immense desire that kept raging through her.

`I found some things I think you should take a look at.`

Blushing, Kalinda moved away from her, gathering her laptop. Kalinda? Blushing? The sudden realization that maybe she had talked in her sleep made Alicia more than a little uncomfortable. As her friend sat on the couch, she immediately jumped up.

`Right, I will, just let me freshen up. Would you do me a favor and pick up my change of clothes from the car?`

…

Kalinda suppressed the urge to smell the perfectly pressed pantsuit she had gotten out of Alicia`s car. A platonic night of work, that was all it had been! But then why could she hardly move one leg in front of the other? Unlocking the door to her apartment she heard the distinct sound of Alicia talking on the phone. Will? Blake? Peter?

`At Kalinda`s, honey. Yes… Of course I do, they are in the second drawer from the right. Yes. I`ll see you tonight. I love you.`

Kalinda felt her heart drop at the sound of those 3 little words she feared so much. They always seem to come accompanied by hurt. Also this time. She loved Alicia, Alicia loved Peter, Peter had slept with her… How many more thorns could this vicious circle form?

`He`s in love with you, you know`

Alicia`s words, accompanied by a short nod to the cellphone, indicating who she was talking about, almost made Kalinda drop the clothes. She made a point of calmly placing them on the couch before turning around to face the brunette.

`What?`

The forgiving smile that played with the corners of Alicia`s mouth, made Kalinda sick to her stomach.

`Well, who can blame him. You are a force to be reckoned with, with your sexy boots and perfect body.`

The investigator blinked twice as she saw her friend calmly pick up the blouse of the pantsuit and shake it out.

`This will have to do`

She mumbled, checking her watch in the process.

`Whoa, wait, what? Sexy? Perfect? I never did anything to make anyone fall in love with me, Alicia!`

Amused Alicia turned around in order to reassure her friend, took a few steps in her direction, and shortly tipped her finger against Kalinda`s nose, as she used to do to her children when they were little.

`Well, then you just shouldn`t have been so irresistible, should you now?`

Kalinda`s devastated face made Alicia burst out laughing.

`Oh come on Kalinda, he is just a kid. He will get over it in time, I`m sure. I just wanted to give you a heads-up.`

Zach! She had been talking about her son. And, more importantly, she had been talking TO her son. The smile that broke through on Kalinda`s face almost made Alicia gasp for air, and as the Indian woman pointedly rubbed her nose, suddenly the two woman found themselves laughing uncontrollably.

**TBC ******


	8. -Circumstances-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter summary: A bail hearing, some investigating and the Wild West

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Don`t own the characters from the series `The Good Wife`, just had this story in my head, trying to get out.
> 
>  
> 
> A/N: Hey all! This is my first time writing court, ever. Please forgive me for any faults in terminology or process. All help and suggestions welcome! Please let me know what you think!

Chapter 8:

`Objection, Your Honor, in my opinion it is completely irrelevant to establish bail that the victim is a baseball-player, and even less so which part of the season we are in.`

Cary Agos undercut her rudely, but Alicia was afraid his charming smile towards the judge would make her forgive him for that easily. Alicia, however, had an advantage he had not. She had seen this judge in action before. And she would soon know if he had.

`Oh come on. Of course that`s not what I`m saying, Your Honor, all I would like to make clear is that, if the defendant has injured, in the way that she has, a professional base-ball player, she is a danger to each and every one of us`

Alicia smirked as he stopped talking, knowing what would follow.

`In your opinion?`

`Excuse me, Your Honor?`

`I`m asking if the statement you have just made is in your opinion, counselor`

Confused, Cary looked from his paper up to the judge.

`It is, Your Honor`

`Why, thank you for stating that clearly. Would you like to respond, Mrs Florrick?`

The look the judge gave her, was surprisingly kind, and she suddenly knew the charming smile of Cary had had no influence at all, at least not in his favor. Judge Lessner, the observant woman that she was, had immediately seen that he had a personal conviction with Alicia Florrick.

`Why, yes I would, Your Honor. My client is 16 year old, measures 5ft2 and weighs a 120 pounds. In my opinion, she is hardly as dangerous as the state`s attorney is trying to make her sound.`

Cary`s cold gaze would have gotten her if she hadn`t seen how the judge curiously observed them

`Fact is, Your Honor, that Mr Flagg remains unconscious due to his multiple and severe injuries, that this 16 year old most likely inflicted. And may I add…`

`In your opinion , counselor?`

`What? Oh, I mean, excuse me, Your Honor?`

Alicia, keeping her exterior grave, was doing an inward happy dance, knowing that now she had won over the judge. If she didn`t do anything to mess it up, that was.

`The injuries were most likely inflicted by the defendant, in YOUR opinion, counselor, please be clear on that.`

`Yes, Your Honor, of course, my apologies`

The judge sternly looked at him over her glasses, and Alicia knew he now had caught on. But no matter how charming he would be from now on, she doubted it would have any effect at Judge Lessner. In this case, and, maybe, even for those to come. For a moment, Alicia felt guilty. She hated playing games like this. But she knew Cary would have done it without giving it a second thought. Actually, he was already using his knowledge of her weak points against her in court. She looked up to find the judge study her curiously, biting the temple-tip of her glasses. For a moment they exchanged eyecontact before the woman pointed her attention once more at Cary

`Please proceed, counselor, you wanted to add something?`

`Yes, Your Honor`

Looking fiercely through his papers, Cary looked like a kid playing on a grown-up battlefield.

`I wanted to add that certain circumstances can make a person very strong, Your Honor, even if she just weighs a 120 pounds, in my opinion.`

Alicia looked up in wonder at this gift that Cary gave her. This would give her a change to introduce these `extraordinary circumstances` very early in the trial, without having to introduce the subject herself.

`What circumstances are you referring to, at this moment, counselor?`

She actually felt sorry for Cary, as he went back to his papers. Obviously he hadn`t had, or taken, sufficient time to prepare for this case. And then, with the bad first impression he made on the judge, lost his train of thought. A weak point of him she knew.

`Well, Your Honor, in my opinion, the use of certain intoxicating matters, or simply an adolescent rage, could have given the young Miss Stern a strength to attack Mr. Flaggs.`

Judge Lessner looked at Cary pensively, as she put the glasses back on. She glanced at Alicia ever so slightly before putting her attention on the papers before her, and instinctively the woman knew what was expected of her.

`Excuse me, Your Honor, but in my opinion something is missing from the State Attorney`s list of possibilities`

`Yes, counselor, what would, in your opinion, be missing?`

`Self-defense, Your Honor`

Cary, who had just taken a sip of water, almost choked in the fluid, now that he saw his own words being used against him and coughed loudly.

`While our young counselor is recovering, Mrs Florrick, in your opinion, it is very likely that an event, in which your client would need this possible extraordinary power she possesses in the State Attorney`s opinion, would reoccur while we are waiting for the trail?`

`No, Your Honor, in my opinion that would not be very likely.`

`And she has a stable environment to return to? Considering she shared a house with the victim`

`Actually, Your Honor, my client would be staying with her biological father, Jonas Stern, pending the trail.`

For a moment, Alicia thought it had been a bad idea to name-drop. The judge would know that Jonas Stern was rich, and thereby could ask for a higher bail. Although it would be no problem for the high-class lawyer to pay for that, a higher bail looked bad for a defendant and gave the State`s attorney a better position in negotiation. Knowing the bail in Aggraved Assault could go up to a 100.000 dollars, Alicia held her breath as she saw the gavel of the judge go down.

`Well, that settles it. Bail set at 10.000 dollars.`

As Cary closed his eyes in defeat, Alicia blinked, surprised. This bail was only slightly higher than that of domestic violence, which she had always found ridiculously low. There were judges who agreed with her on that, and set bail higher when the injuries inflicted were more serious. Was Judge Lessner one of those judges? Was she trying to send her a message? Now that she thought about it, why would domestic violence only exist between spouses? If the state`s attorney wanted Alex to stand trial in adult court, they had to measure her crime in adult measures. She could use their own weakness, in low punishments of domestic violence, against them in this case. As both parties thanked the judge and made way for the next bail hearing, Alicia felt how Cary slipped past her.

`Congratulations.`

The word came out bitter and Alicia saw the sharpness in her former colleague`s eyes when he glanced at her before making his way to a man, who seemed to have been waiting for him. As the dark-haired man turned, Alicia felt the hairs in the back of her neck stand in recognition. Cary`s glare had been nothing in comparison to the one she now received from the current state`s attorney. Alicia forced herself to smile politely, but felt that she was trembling as she made her way to the parking lot.

*x*x*x

`So the two of you used to date`

Kalinda slowly closed her eyes and opened them again, seeing the subtle gesture had caught the 17-year old boy`s attention.

`Yeah, we did, like, go out a couple of times.`

`Do you mind if we sit? My boots are killing me…`

Giving the boy an excuse to look at her legs, she smiled. From puberty to grave all men were the same.

`Sure, fine by me`

As they sat on the wooden bench, Kalinda made sure her nylon-covered knees were pointed in Kevin`s direction, sometimes accidentally brushing his.

`So, one of you broke it off, huh?`

She shortly placed her hand on his, as if showing sympathy, and she saw how his eyes began to glimmer

`Well, yeah, that would have been me…`

`So, are you seeing someone else now?`

She slipped in the question, knowing he would stammer, thinking he had a shot with her. It was almost too simple.

`Well, yeah, no… I mean, on and off, you know, I`m a free agent`

`Off course you are, and you should be. You`re young, you`re handsome. Is that why you broke it off? To be free?`

`Well, yeah… I mean, I really liked Alex, but she changed you know, I mean, after her birthday, she got uptight, froze up when we were making out, didn`t even let me kiss her properly, she was acting like a real lezzo, suddenly, and believe me, we hadn`t had any trouble before.`

Hiding her disgust of the kid`s words, Kalinda moved in closer, as if to whisper a secret

`Did the two of you ever… you know`

The investigator moved her eyebrows to make sure he would know what she meant, and was strangely endeared to see the boy blush.

`Well, actually that was kind of it. You know. She didn`t want to, and I really felt that I was ready`

He hopefully looked at her, when a scarcely dressed girl, who couldn't have been much older than him, came upto them. Glaring angrily at Kalinda, who almost sniggered, she kissed Kevin veraciously before triumphantly looking back at the Indian woman, who was getting up and straightening her skirt. Extending her hand to the girl, she saw surprise on the young face before she took it into her own.

`Hi, I`m Kalinda, I was just asking your boyfriend some questions about Alexandra Stern, do you know her?`

Everything in the demeanor of the girl changed, and Kalinda immediately recognized the type, a queen bee, a sensation seeker.

`Oh yeah, I heard that she, like, beat up that guy her mom was with. Are you, like, with the cops or something?`

Kalinda smiled.

`Or something`

She had been right assuming that the girl would keep talking, no matter what her answer would have been.

`Well, I mean, good for her, that guy was a creep. I mean, at her birthday-party he was like, undressing me with his eyes, you know. `

`Really?`

Finding the perfect balance between uninterested and unbelieving, Kalinda saw how the girl pointed herself more towards her. Her heart was pounding and she sensed the rush of finding the information she needed. She just knew something was wrong in that household, and she had the sensation she knew what it was. Now she had to prove it, and talking to this young woman was the first step in that direction.

…

Alicia looked up annoyed when Blake, without introduction, entered her office, throwing several notebooks on her desk.

`Yeah, here are the diaries. I talked to some people who said Martin was doing steroids, and one guy is willing to testify that he always had pills and stuff in his locker, but so far I have no hard evidence. This afternoon I`ll go to check the records of random drug tests of the club to see if there is something there. Also I will see about this locker thing.`

Alicia had picked up one of the diaries and stroked the cover. She remembered the time she had been sixteen. She had confided in her own little book, and had never found someone she had trusted as much as those leaves of paper. The image of Kalinda appeared before her and suddenly she felt her last thought had been untrue. She trusted the Indian woman with her life…

`How did you get these?`

Her voice sounded soft but she couldn`t erase her disgust completely.

`Are you sure you want to know?`

She cringed as he sniggered, feeling her loathing for this man rise.

`You do realize this girl is OUR client, not someone you have to dig up dirt on.`

`Oh, so you would have rather had the cops take them? Listen, they are her property, I`m on your side, you got them now, just give it a rest.`

`Fine, just let me know when you find anything else.`

She almost spit out the words and turned her back to him.

`Do you still want me to go talk to her friends?`

`Actually, K…`

Just as Alicia turned to let him know Kalinda was taking care of that particular task, she saw the woman enter. The transfer from yoga-pants to tight skirt and high boots did nothing to diminish this strange new effect her friend had on her. The attorney felt her legs go weak, as she heard the investigator answer for herself.

`Actually, I already did. `

`Oh, hi Leela, I mean Kalinda`

Kalinda rolled her eyes, making Alicia giggle. A sound that made butterflies erupt in the Indian woman`s stomach.

`Yeah, yeah, we all know you have trouble remembering my name. Maybe it`s Alzheimer, you should get that checked. Anyway Alicia, can I talk to you?`

Alicia smiled, guiding Kalinda into her office, but the smile froze on her face as she closed the door, catching a glimpse of the look Blake was giving her friend. Looking over her shoulder, she saw Kalinda look straight back into his eyes. Her glare no less terrifying than his.

`My goodness, I feel like I`m in the middle of a western movie. Which one of you is the sheriff, and which one the villain?`

Slowly Kalinda`s eyes focused on her, but she still seemed far away when she answered.

`I`m not sure, Alicia… I`m not sure.`

TBC


	9. -A Good Team-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Preparing strategy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don`t own any of the characters of the series `The Good Wife`, just borrowing, hope that's ok
> 
> A/N: Hey all. A short update, and not too much Kalicia emotions, but I promise I`ll make it up in the rest of the story! More to come soon. Thank you so much for your reviews, I`m touched by the words and thrilled to find out what you think! Please keep telling me?

Chapter 9 -a good team-

Will`s look was pondering and smoldering at the same time, as he witnessed Alicia, walking around in the meeting-room explaining the case. Kalinda watched him admire the young associate as she strongly made her point that there was more to this than met the eye. Stroking his non-existing beard, Kalinda felt annoyed. He would never go with it. Alicia should have listened to her, they should have gone to Diane with this. Diane, although presenting as hard-core, had a soft spot for the truth. Will however, especially lately, didn`t seem to care, as long as there was money involved.

` I don`t know, it`s quite a risk to take that road. Have you asked the client?`

`Not yet, but we will`

`Any leads on why Stern didn`t put someone of his own firm on her defense?`

The door shot open and Jonas Stern marched in, his daughter in tow.

`Because, Gardner, the best lawyer in my firm is me, and I think representing my daughter would be a mistake. Therefore I chose the next best thing. That she has an unfortunate loyalty towards your farm, doesn`t mean my daughter shouldn`t benefit from her excellence. Don`t you agree? I did however, hire HER, not you. So I would say… SHOO`

When Jonas made a movement as to scare away a cat, Kalinda felt an odd feeling of satisfactory. She got up to follow Will outside, but the man reluctantly stayed in the doorway.

`I really think a partner should be present for this. We are figuring out strategy, it represents our firm…`

Jonas rolled his eyes

`My dear god, you always were a whining SOB but when I try to take you away from your little friend here, I`m stepping on some dear old toes, ain`t I… Well, then, Gardner, why don`t you send in Diane, you know she and I have always seen more eye to eye.`

He turned to see Kalinda, who gave him a slight smile. He didn`t miss, however, the glimmer of amusement in her eye.

`And you, Miss Sharma, why don`t you stay. It seems like you and Mrs Florrick make a very good team.`

Will shut the door slightly harder than would have been necessary and Kalinda couldn`t suppress her smile any longer as she saw Alicia purse her lips in amusement.

Alicia felt her heart skip a beat as she watched Kalinda`s genuine smile and was once again amazed at how her life was changing rapidly. Not too long ago she would have been… well not devastated, but something to that effect, if Will would have been sent away like that.

But, she had to acknowledge, Jonas had been right. He seemed no more than a whining child, wanting in on the case.

She had thought she was in love with him, made up this whole torrid romance in her head, where she could never have him, because she was the good wife of the cheating ex-state`s attorney.

What was she doing with her life?

The question hit her hard and came unexpected. She had seemed to have been able to avoid to ask herself that question for a very long time now.

Was she happy? She knew what was the honest answer to that. She was happy… At work, she was happy. With her children, she was happy. But with Peter? He had been her partner, her buddy, they had always been able to laugh. And the sex, before everything had happened, hadn`t been bad. She had known couples who were doing a lot worse. But there was this thing, this moment, that had always remained stuck in her head. When she had found out he had been cheating, the feeling that had waved over her, before the disgust, before the shame, before the pain.

It had been relieve.

If she was honest with herself, she hadn`t been happy in a long time. She had gone through the motions, she had done everything that had been expected of her, but she hadn`t done it with passion. The passion she felt now, facing a client. The passion she felt now, as she heard Kalinda`s heels click to the floor, when the woman stood to open the door for Diane, who was arriving, her arms filled with files. Avoiding to look at the black-haired beauty, she pushed her thoughts to the back of her head. Now was not the time for self-exploration, she had a case to build.

…

`But… How did you get them?`

Alicia felt for the girl, who seemed devastated that her journals lay now on the table before them.

`One of our investigators took them.`

The counselor heard the guilt in her own voice, and was glad and surprised when Kalinda stepped in.

`Which is actually a good thing, you don`t want these to end up in the hands of the police. Now we can see what we can use, or even IF we want to use anything. Also, they can help us figure out what happened.`

Diane watched as her best investigator interacted with the girl and felt as if she was in an alternative universe. The Kalinda she knew hardly ever spoke to clients directly, especially not if it wasn`t with an unusual, sarcastic, always surprisingly accurate comment.

`I get it… I think… So how can they help?`

Diane Lockhart focused her attention to their client. She had known Alexandra since she had been born, although they hadn`t had much contact. It pleasantly surprised her that the girl had seemed to have grown into a mature young woman, who seemed to be willing and able to help in her own defense.

`Do you remember that you told me, us, earlier that you had been having black-outs? Well, I would like to know when they occurred, and I would like to find out as much as possible about the days they occurred.`

Diane`s eyebrows wrinkled while she was trying to figure out where Kalinda was going with this. As the Indian woman jumped up to answer a phone call, the blond partner saw how a look was exchanged between her associate and her investigator. This look, clearly, said more than words, because Alicia immediately sat down, next to Alex, and started to look through the diaries with her. As Alicia pointed out what they were looking for, the girl soon understood, but kept glancing nervously at Jonas, who didn`t seem to notice. Diane, who realized the girl was concerned about her privacy, chose that moment to intervene. She was intrigued, and wasn`t trying to undercut the strategy the two women seemed to have worked out together, but she simply played along by distracting Jonas while his daughter was reading her own journals. She knew soon enough, in a separate meeting, she would get to know more.

When Kalinda returned, Alicia looked up, not only trying to read an answer to the unasked question about the case but also just to see the other woman. Seeing Kalinda, her confidence, her calmth, always made her feel at ease. But as soon as her eyes caught those of the investigator Alicia knew something was wrong. Getting up quickly, almost knocking over her glass of water in the process, she made her way to her friend in a heartbeat.

`What is it, were we wrong? No drugs?`

Kalinda sensed Alicia`s presence, saw her lips moving, but the sounds seemed to come to her in slow motion. It took her a while to form the words to find an answer. In the mean while the freezing cold that had filled her since she had heard Tony`s words seemed to make way for warmth. Alicia had said `we`. The woman really was too kind for this world.

`No, actually we were right, GHB was found in her blood and urine. But they might plan to use that against her.`

Alicia`s eyes grew cold, and then determent and Kalinda felt her heart swell as she heard the lawyer utter her next sentence.

`I would like to see them try.`

…

`So what you`re saying is, this drug…`

Diane pointed to Kalinda, who immediately understood what was asked of her

`GHB, also known as the date-rape drug`

`Right, you`re saying it induces memory-loss?`

`Yes, Ma`am, and it is also known to cause violent behaviour`

Kalinda`s eyes fluttered. She didn`t usually address Diane so formally, but she had fallen back in an old habit without thinking.

`But it is taken recreationally? Like XTC?`

Reluctantly, the investigator nodded.

`Yes, in small dosage it has similar effects as alcohol, with certain exceptions, it is also used to increase sexual pleasure. Again, in small dosage.`

`And the dosage found in our client`s blood?`

`Was high.`

Diane turned to Alicia, who looked at her expectantly. She had grown to care deeply for the young associate, and she knew, despite the fact that she wished she had had the resources to keep both Cary and Alicia, it had been a good choice to keep her on. She liked the passion for honesty and truth Alicia possessed, and admired her for finding a balance between her morality and her job. It was good to have some ruthless sharks at the firm, but she had come to see Alicia as their conscience. As HER conscience.

`What do you think?`

`I think the drug was administered to her`

Lockhart nodded, pensively.

`Hmmm… By the victim?`

`It`s a possibility`

Looking from Kalinda to Alicia, Diane continued to nod.

`Do we have… more evidence… to support this theory?`

Immediately, Kalinda came into action. It always filled Diane with proud to see a strong woman like Kalinda, being good at her job. She remembered overhearing one of the State`s Attorney`s people complaining about how when Kalinda showed up, they knew they were in trouble. She was the best in the field. And everybody knew it. What surprised the Democrat however was the look of endearing pride she caught in Alicia`s eyes. She had seen how the two had gotten close, which already had taken her of guard. In all the time Kalinda had been working for them, she had never seen her get close to anyone.

`An ex-boyfriend and multiple friends are claiming that Alex changed since her birthday party. The blackout's have been occurring since that date, according to our client and this is supported by her journal entries. At the party in question she had drunk some of a cocktail called a `screwdriver` which is a mixture of Vodka and orange juice. Since it was one of her first experiences with alcohol, our client blamed the first black out, that occurred on said party, on that. The said changes include isolation, being reluctant to touch and be touched and distraction. The boyfriend broke up with her because of the classical teenage reason. She wouldn`t sleep with him, but journal entries support she is confused about that herself, saying she wants to but blocking up at the crucial moment.`

Kalinda presented highlighted copies of the diary entries.

`As many other teenage girls will identify with.`

`But before Alex`s sixteenth birthday there are some entries that suggest otherwise. She seemed to want to seduce her boyfriend, and seemed to be teasing him.`

Diane put on her reading-glasses in order to read the segment now presented to her, and her eyes widened.

`Ok, I don't know if we should use this, a jury doesn't like to see a young girl having these kind of thoughts.`

Alicia jumped in, pointing out something in the earlier provided copies

`But even if it`s just for us, it does point out that there was a change in sexual thinking of our client since her 16th birthday party`

`Yes, and now look at these black outs. They seem to occur only on nights when she is home alone, or with him. Never when her mom is home. If it is GHB that induced the black-outs now, isn't it safe to assume that it also did back then? I want to look at the video`s and talk to the guard again, seeing if I can find something at exactly these times. Maybe someone entering or leaving. Also I have a classmate, who was at said birthday party saying that the victim was a creep, who seemed to `undress her with his eyes`. `

`Ok good, I think you`re onto something here, pursuit it but let`s not stare ourselves blind on only this strategy`

Surprised, Alicia looked up, and Diane smiled encouragingly at her.

`You don`t share Will`s concern for `trouble` considering the victim is `high-profile`?`

Diane`s smile now turned to a full on laugh.

`Lately I think it`s the trouble that is making our job so much fun.`

The exchange between Alicia and Kalinda caught Diane`s attention again. They seemed to understand each other without words, these two. That was a very powerful instrument to have in court. As she saw the women leave her office and find their way to Alicia`s, she felt a pang of regret. She had always let her career come first, and hadn`t allowed for true friendships to form. The only `friends` she had seemed practically clones of herself. The others were people she owed or who owed her favors. But maybe she had been wrong, and she would have benefitted very much from having a friend like Alicia, or Kalinda. Yes, the friendship that had formed between these two very different women was truly something to be envied.

TBC


	10. Question-marks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some (expected?) Kalinda flirting, followed by some (unexpected?) Kalinda emotions. Alicia questions her motives, desires and the things she always thought she was...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I`ll never claim to own any of the characters of `the good wife.
> 
> A/N: Hi, you all! So, just to make clear, I`m using certain scenes from the show, in random order and edited to be of service to me :P Hope it`s not too confusing! This one is a little longer, with some highs and lows... Let me know what you think? Hugs!

Heartbroken, Chapter 10

`I love watching you work...`

Alicia wanted to bite her tongue the moment the words had come out, but then Kalinda`s responsive blush made her melt and forget she regretted her words.

`Well, you`re not too bad yourself, Counselor.`

She wished she could see Kalinda`s eyes, but the investigator seemed to make it a point to avoid eye-contact.

`What? On the eyes, or at work?`

Alicia blinked as the words once again just rolled out of her mouth. Was she flirting? Flirting with Kalinda? She had always been terrible at flirting, it had always been the men who had had to pursuit her. Kalinda`s expression proved her flirting-ability wasn`t any better with women.

`Both… I guess.`

While getting in the elevator, Kalinda involuntarily gave Alicia the once-over, when she suddenly had an insight.

`You really would do anything to find out if I`m into women, don't you?`

As the doors were about to close, the investigator, impulsively, pulled the lawyer inside of the small space. Alicia`s eyes grew wide as she felt the other woman push her against the cool wall and she hardly registered that the doors indeed slid close. Putting her hands next to the laywers face against the wall, Kalinda brought her body and face only inches from Alicia`s, making sure not to touch her. She let her breath softly caress the other woman`s lips, as she seductively looked into her eyes. Alicia`s heart pounded and goosebumps erupted in anticipation of the contact that would follow. She wanted to reach out and stroke Kalinda`s wanted to touch and be touched in return. She wanted to… What was it she wanted to?

The pinging sound that announced their arrival to parking-level had never been more unwelcome and Alicia`s eyelids, which had started to drop slightly with desire, shot up. She looked into Kalinda`s eyes, which had turned cold and she felt a strange sort of sadness wash over her. As Kalinda moved away from her, and started to make her way into the parking-lot she had the strange urge to pull the woman back and finish what they had started.

`Kalinda!`

Her voice sounded hoarse and vulnerable but the eyes of the woman she had called out to remained emotionless as she shortly turned and answered. The words could have sounded harsh, but all Alicia really heard was defeat.

`Stop it, Alicia. Just… stop!`

…

`I love watching you work.`

It wasn`t so much the mocking sound of his voice that annoyed her as it was the fact that she heard it at all. And, if she was honest with herself, the content of it scared her. She could handle the Blake Calamars of this world, but when he mentioned Alicia, or anything to do with Alicia, she kind of… blocked.

`What do you want, Calamar?`

`You know, she`s right. It`s fun to watch you. Not only for the obvious reason, but even more so to figure out what goes on behind that rigidness.`

Kalinda sighed and stifled a yawn.

`If you have something to say, get on with it, will you?`

Kalinda continued to pretend to be bored as she observed Blake closely while he got something out of the trunk of his car. Her heartrate picked up as she recognized her baseball-bat, the one that he had stolen after she had wrecked his other rental car.

As he approached her slowly, she saw something in his appearance change. All her senses alert, ready to run at any moment, he took her by surprise with his next words.

`I`m kind of sick of this game, Kalinda, Leela, whatever your name is. I`ll be going back to DC soon. How about we call a truce?`

He held out the baseball-bat for her to take, but when she approached him, childishly hid it behind his back. As she pressed her body against him, in attempt to get it she saw the obvious sexual desire in his eyes. And felt it in his pants. Why did she always seem to have that effect on men?

Cupping with one hand his crotch, she felt how his knees buckled in response, and she brought her mouth only millimeters from his. Bringing her other hand around his back, she took the weapon he had been trying to keep away from her in one swift motion. She cocked her head sideways, in a vindictive movement, and brought her eyebrows up slightly, before turning around and walking away. The sound of her heels echoed in the otherwise empty parking-lot, but still she sensed his approach rather than she heard it. Turning around swiftly and raising the bat she must have appeared quite intimidating, because the man stopped in his tracks.

`I`m onto you, Leela, and I`m bringing you down. There will be a time, where you won`t be watching, won`t be paying attention, and then, my sweet, I`ll be there… Waiting…`

For a long time she watched the spot where he had disappeared, the bat unsteady in her shaky hands.

…

'and then, my sweet, I'll be there, waiting'

Sweating and with palpitations, Kalinda woke up. She had only shortly before drifted off, but sensed that it was useless to keep trying to get some rest.

She had felt like this before, many years ago. Before HE had helped her get the papers she had needed to complete her metamorphosis into Kalinda. HE had seen her, at her weakest, exhausted from the lack of sleep, always looking over her shoulder. HE had offered her a job, seeing how good she had been as a private investigator. And with that offer, she had seen a life she longed. A life of some consistency, of safety.

But she knew she couldn't take it, considering her history, and she had turned him down. She remembered very well the meeting at his office. The big shot State's Attorney, towering over her, and she, just looking as if she wasn't interested. But he had seen right through her, and she had broken down the moment he had softly asked her what it was she needed. Without questions, without asking ' Why?' he had arranged for LeelaTahiri to officially disappear, and for Kalinda Sharma to… Exist. To exist on more than just a fake ID. Suddenly she had a birth-certificate, a backstory, social security number. Suddenly she had had a world of opportunities and it had all been because of him. She had shown her gratitude in the only way she had known how, and she would never have given that a second thought if it hadn't been for HER.

An image of herself, almost touching, almost kissing Alicia earlier that day in the elevator, forced itself up at her, but she quickly forced it to the back of her mind. And now Blake knew who she once had been, and the recent years in which she had finally found some calmer waters, some safety, seemed to dissolve into nothingness.

She didn't sleep, she could hardly eat and when she looked in the mirror, it was Leela who looked back. Absentmindedly, Kalinda stroked the baseball-bat –the one she had taken from him- she kept close for safety reasons. The gun in her nightstand she didn't hope to use, but somehow she knew she would if she had to. She had once told Diane that she shouldn't handle a gun if she wasn't prepare to shoot to kill. Was she prepared to kill? Was she prepared to go to jail for her secret?

The phone lit up in the dark before the sound pierced through the eerie silence of the night. The unrecognized number made Kalinda's heart stop in fear. Blake? Or…?

' Yes?'

Her voice sounded cautious, but she was grateful to hear, also confident. Years of training of hiding her true feelings seemed to have their effect.

' Kalinda, this is Bill'

Letting out the breath she hadn't known she had held,Kalinda got her heartbeat under control.

' Hi, Bill, what's up?'

' I know I'm calling kind of late, but you told me you wanted to know…'

' I'm always happy to hear from you, no matter what the time'

The investigator rolled her eyes at herself for that lame answer, but it seemed to do the trick. The hesitance that had been audible in the paramedic's voice disappeared and made way for cocky confidence.

' Well, maybe you would like to meet up somewhere? I have some information that you might find interesting.'

…

Wordlessly Kalinda pushed the papers in Alicia's direction, and drew back as if stung when her hand accidentally touched that of the lawyer. Alicia, who had hardly slept herself, going through the moment in the elevator over and over again, saw the dark circles under her friend's eyes.

It had been about 3 o'clock at night when she had, warily, dragged herself out of bed, and she had sat in her dark kitchen for an hour, contemplating her phone, contemplating a call to the woman who was rapidly turning her life upside-down, when Peter had entered. As he had spoken passionately about their marriage and her allowing him in her bed again, all Alicia had been able to think about was how she would love her phone to ring. How she would love to escape that conversation. How she would love to avoid to think about what she wanted to do with herself.

Was that what this confusion was about? Did she want to have a reason to stop thinking and just act? But, if she was honest with herself, that was what she had tried to create with Will. A romantic fantasy that could sweep her off her feet. But it hadn't worked. Although she felt safe with him, close to him, she had never felt anything like she had felt the day before, pressed against the wall of that small space, with Kalinda so close to her.

But was it real? Or was she just making it up in an attempt to find a reason to escape her life?

Maybe it was time to face the facts and see her marriage was over. She loved Peter, but the thought of having him back in her bed made her shiver, and NOT in a good way.

Alicia realized she had been handling the paperwork, without really looking, and wasn't entirely surprised to find out Kalinda hadn't even noticed her absent-mindedness.

'So, what are we looking at, here?'

Diane entered the staff-room like a whirlwind, breaking the silence that Alicia hadn't noticed until now. When Kalinda started to speak, the lawyer realized that she hadn't heard the investigator utter one word to her since the elevator-doors had closed the day before.

' These are the initial reports of the wounds inflicted on the victim. We've had the pictures and scans, but these are the interpretations. As you can see, there are several broken ribs which had a collapsed lung as a result. Also the skull suffered from what is called an impression fracture, causing a bleeding, here. This blood, my source says, is probably the reason why the victim hasn't woken up yet. An operation will be performed this afternoon to relieve the brain of this blood. Then, the patient will be held in a medicine induced coma, for at least 24 hours, but after that the chances are fairly high he will wake up.'

Diane looked worried, expressing the question Alicia wanted to ask, but she felt as if her brain couldn't form the words. Was this what lack of sleep did to her? He had hardly slept for the last 48 hours, but that had happened before.

' Will he have a recollection of the events?'

Kalinda seemed calm and to the point as she gave Diane the information she requested.

' That's not certain, but my guess is, even if he doesn't, State's Attorney will GIVE him one'

' You're probably right. Which will make it even more important to have our story ready before they do. What do you suggest?'

Alicia felt dazzled as Diane acutely put her in the spotlight of attention.

' I… What?'

' A story? A strategy? You heard Kalinda. We… You have got a little over 24 hours to come up with a story, or we will be countered by the opposition. So what do you want to do?'

Looking from Diane's eyes to Kalinda's, Alicia suddenly felt that the question, and therefore her answer, entailed more than just the case, although she was pretty sure that wasn't Diane's intention. As her life with Peter flashed before her eyes, she felt nostalgically drawn to the safety of it. It was what she knew. But then again, look what had happened the last time she had stepped out of her comfort zone. This job… She couldn't imagine her life without it anymore. Without HER…

' I… I don't know'

Although Diane's next words could have sounded annoyed, they didn't, and Alicia even saw she saw a glimpse of amusement in her eyes as the older woman gathered up her things and made her way out of the door.

' Well, you better figure it out fast, Alicia, the clock is ticking'

…

' Kalinda?'

This was unbearable, not speaking to her best friend. Alicia knew what the other woman had been thinking, that her lame attempt to flirt had been an even more lame attempt to get Kalinda to admit her attraction to women. And maybe the safest way was to let her continue to believe that. But Alicia surprised herself with a sudden and overwhelming desire to throw all caution to the wind.

' Yes?'

' I need you…'

The dark eyes of the woman before her widened, and for the first time in the day, Alicia saw life in them. It seemed like Kalinda was a shadow of herself today. Could it be that the events of yesterday had such profound effect on her too? As Alicia heard footsteps approach behind her, indicating they were not alone, she heard herself add something to the actually already completed sentence.

' On the case. I need to pick your brain. Can we have lunch?'

Kalinda's eyes seemed focused on a point behind her and Alicia almost jumped up when she felt the hand on her shoulder. Although he had hardly touched her, the place where his hand had shortly met her body, asking her wordlessly to move so he could pass, burned in an unpleasant way.

' Ladies…'

Blake nodded politely at both of them, before continuing his way, and Alicia was just about to comment on how she had completely overreacted to his touch when she caught sight of Kalinda's expression. Pure unadulterated hatred waved from the Indian woman's eyes as she followed Blake's every move until he was completely out of sight. Turning her attention back to Alicia, Kalinda remained distracted.

' Oh, yeah, lunch right? Sure… Let's go'

…

Kalinda stared into the distance, feeling the world enclose around her. It was as if she saw him everywhere, Blake, and she was scared. She hated, hated, hated to feel scared. The feeling paralyzed her, her thoughts, her body. But she had felt something completely different, the moment Blake had touched Alicia. The strong protective sensation that had washed over her still lingered, and she felt how it cleared her head. She needed to know why he was doing this, and she thought she knew how to figure it out. It would be a dangerous game to play, but what was life without a little danger? She would just have to give it a shot. She tensed up when she felt the soft hand's touch and quickly pulled away hers.

' Geez, Kalinda, lighten up, will you, I'm not going to bite!'

The annoyance in the lawyer's voice made the investigator blink and after some seconds of ashtonishment, she started to laugh. Alicia, still trying to remain an angry face, felt warmth run through her body at the sound of Kalinda's joy

' Are you sure? What a shame'

Laughing even more at the facial expression her words provoked in Alicia, Kalinda had to take a deep breath before turning serious.

' Listen, I… I kind of overreacted yesterday. I was way out of line with my thing in the elevator, I apologize.'

Alicia looked as if she had been caught in a blizzard and didn't know which end was up. The smile that appeared on Kalinda's beautiful face was best to be described bittersweet.

' Ok… Better not to discuss that? Getting back to the case.'

' No… Wait… I… Damn! What's wrong with me!?'

Frustration about not being able to find words for what she was feeling, had made Alicia's voice sound harsher than she had meant it too. She had pushed herself up and when she turned around found out that her outburst had had resulted in an unexpected reaction of her friend.

Feeling her heart pound in the back of her throat, Kalinda felt the world move away from her. Getting into the only position that made her feel slightly safe, she hid her face behind her crossed arms. In the split second it took her to recognize and undercut her instinctive reaction, it was already too late. Lowering her arms she tried to avoid to look at Alicia, but of course the woman wouldn't let her. She crouched before her, catching her cold hands and cupping them in her own.

' Kalinda?'

The question lay hidden behind the word, the name Alicia pronounced. She wondered how the lawyer did that, put so much in her eyes and bodylanguage, ask so much with just one word, that wasn't even in the dictionary.

' It's nothing'

' Like hell it is!'

Smiling through her fear and embarrassment, Kalinda realized she had never heard Alicia swear before. Not sober anyway.

' Are you drunk?'

' No! Of course not! It's noon for god's sake! And don't change the subject.'

Alicia's sentence had started out fierce, but softened with every word, this time she managed to maintain eyecontact with her best friend as she repeated the name… The name that in such a short time had come to mean so much to her.

' Kalinda?'

The tenderness Alicia's voice radiated, combined with the touch of her hands, felt raw against her exposed soul. It felt as if she was wounded and someone just kept ripping of the band-aid before she was properly healed, making it impossible to be cured. But, even though it hurt to feel so… naked… It also felt, SHE also felt, more real than she had any moment of the last couple days.

The protective caring Alicia felt even overwhelmed herself. She had felt this way in her life about 2 people. Zach and Grace. The love she felt for them was unconditional and she knew she would never let anything happen to them. The vulnerability she saw in Kalinda's eyes, something she had never sensed before, touched something in her, evoked something in her that in force and sense was very similar to what she felt for her children.

But there was something about it that was also very, very different.

When Kalinda moved her head to avoid her gaze again, Alicia instinctively reached out and cupped her face. As Kalinda had done, that day, in the shower. The Indian woman's pupils seemed to try and focus on her but they had difficulty, as if she was trying to wake from a dream… A very unpleasant one.

' Kalinda, please'

It was the begging sound in Alicia`s voice that brought her back. That and the fact that the other woman kept repeating the name. Kalinda. She was Kalinda now, she didn't have to be scared anymore. She was Kalinda and not Leela. Kalinda. Blinking the investigator found a way to fully focus on the woman in front of her.

' Yes?'

Her voice sounded hoarse, as if she hadn't used it for ages, and she cleared her throat.

' Please… Talk to me?'

The urge to do so had never been more present. Actually, she couldn't remember if it ever had been. It surely hadn't been the case with anybody else but her. Alicia made her want to open up, to tell all of her secret and cry on her shoulder. But the investigator hadn't cried in ages, and Kalinda… Kalinda never had. As Leela she had already learned that tears made her vulnerable, so she had just stopped to shed them. But now… They were lodged in her throat, in her chest, in her heart, and she wanted nothing more than to give in to Alicia's plea.

' I… Alicia…'

Alicia's heart broke at the sound of Kalinda's voice, at the look in her eyes, at the defeat in her shoulders.

'I can't… I just… I can't'

Forcing Kalinda to make eyecontact again, Alicia searched those dark eyes, wanting to see if the other woman fully would take in her next words

'That's ok, but I want you to know something… If you ever CAN, if you ever WANT, I'll be here. Do you hear me? No matter what, I'll be there for you.'

Closing her eyes, Kalinda leaned into Alicia's hand, allowing the lawyer to support her, letting the brunette know she had understood. As she sensed the heaviness in her heart be lifted by the contact, she opened her eyes again, and caught Alicia's. The urge to kiss the lips that were so close to hers was overwhelming and Kalinda found herself wondering if that was because of the feelings she had for the woman before her or just because that was the only way she knew to show gratitude. They sat there, for the longest time, until Kalinda's phone interrupted the silence.

As they awkwardly broke apart and Kalinda answered her call, Alicia found herself staring at the hand that, only moments before, had been caressing Kalinda's cheek.

She couldn't have these feelings, she simply couldn't. She was… What was she? Married? Honest? Faithful? Straight? But even in her own mind, the question-marks behind all of these characteristics sounded louder than the actual words.

TBC


	11. Strikes and Hits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kalinda is playing a game of hardball... But can she win?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of the show `The Good Wife`, just borrowing.
> 
> A/N: So, I am using parts of canon-scene`s, in no particular order and with slight or significant changes. Thanks to everyone who is taking the trouble to read, follow, comment, I can not tell you how much I appreciate it! Hope you enjoy this shorty, the next one will be longer again and I promise to make up for the lack of Kalicia-goodies ;)

 

**Chapter 11- Strikes and hits**

Kalinda's heart pounded rapidly as she got into her apartment. She knew he was there. She sensed him, she smelt him. Trying to act as if she didn't, she flipped on the light and made her way to the bedroom, taking off her jacket in the process. Feeling the gun she had placed at the back of her skirt, under her blouse, she breathed slightly calmer. She didn't blink once when she discovered him, sitting on her bed, playing with the baseball-bat that had been beside her nightstand.

' We have to stop meeting like this.'

Kalinda knew he had been waiting to say the words, but didn't want to grant him the pleasure of them having any effect on her. She was surprised how much they actually did. There was a time, not too long ago when men like Blake meant nothing to her. She would have played with him, maybe even would have slept with him or, if she really would have thought him dangerous, maybe she would have fled. Hid. Again. But not now. The investigator knew, deep down, what had changed, but she still had trouble admitting it to herself.

Remembering that attack was her best defense, she didn't answer with words, but simply looked at him, while she began to unbutton her blouse. She saw his demeanor change immediately and his eyes widened.

_Strike one, she had taken him by surprise._

He licked his lips, and Kalinda had to suppress a shiver of disgust. Her emotions laid much too much on the surface, since… No… Now was not the time to let those thoughts enter her head.

' You know the investigation they have going for you… I could try to… Make that go away, if you want.'

She moved closer to him, pressing aside the slips of her white silk blouse, revealing the black adorned bra.

' And why would you want to do that?'

She was happy to hear her voice still did her bidding and spoke the words teasing, seductive and without a hint of hesitation.

He placed the bat against the bed and stood, his eyes narrowing.

' Are you armed? Wired?'

She pulled the gun from its hiding place and threw it to the side, spreading her arms and legs, indicating he was welcome to search her. As he did so, she felt as if she was watching from above, taking in the scene. She didn't feel his hands or his body as he pressed it against hers.

' My turn'

She turned around suddenly and wasn't completely surprised he, smiling, let her search him. As she took away his weapons, his smile became more cocky. What was it with men like Blake? He obviously thought he was so irresistible that she couldn't wait to get into his pants, no matter what he had planned for her. As he was stripped to his boxers, she smiled back, moving her own body against his, pushing him back onto the bed.

' Why are you doing this?'

She felt the goosebumps arise as she breathed the words into his ear, the warm seductive air rising more than the hairs on his skin.

_Strike two, she had gotten him aroused._

' What are you looking for?'

She sensed how his hands slid over the fabric of her bra, trying to find the clasp and noticed how his breathing had fastened. As she moved slightly, getting the clasp out of his reach teasingly, she heard him whimper. Now she was playing the game she was good at, she felt her confidence get stronger and she knew that made her movements seem even more sensuous.

' They just… They wanted me to look into you'

She moved a little closer to him again, smiling slightly as she looked into his eyes and batted her lashes.

' They?'

' Listen, honey, I don't know who they are, ok, so you're barking up the wrong tree there. All I know is that they pay me and they want to know everything about you there is to know. I guess you made some enemies.'

As she let his hand find the clasp, she pressed herself against him, preventing the bra to fall down as she slowly licked his jaw. She heard him moan as she reached his ear.

' Would you find out for me?'

She knew she had him, she knew what he would say and she knew what her response would be.

'Hmmm what would I get in return?'

_Strike Three and out. He was in her court now, and it was her turn to hit._

As she kissed him and he hungrily devoured her mouth, she let her hand slide around the baseball bat behind him.

The hit was strong and without a hint of hesitation, the sound of his breaking ribs should have been nauseating. But she didn't feel anything as she watched on. He gasped for air, collapsing to the ground, hugging his chest. As she placed the bat back against the bed and calmly observed him while she got dressed, she smiled at the devastation in his eyes.

_Strike One. A great hit. It looks like it`s out of the park._

' I know it feels like you can't breathe. Just calm down, you will be able to inhale in a few seconds. Here's the way it is, Calamar. It`s not about what I will do to you if you do find out. It's about what I'll do to you when you don't.'

Seemingly still unable to utter a word, he glared at her before slowly making his way to the door.

' What? Stay! Recover! It was a heavy night for you, please. Take the floor. I'll see you at work tomorrow.'

Placing the gun in its earlier hiding-space and picking up the baseball-bat and a small sports-bag from the corner of the room, she looked at him and shook her head before stepping over him. As she made her way out the door he whispered something and she turned to smile at him again.

' What was that, now?'

' I called him, you know…'

Her eyes focused on his raging ones, trying to determine what he was referring to. He spoke the words slowly, but the pain she saw in his eyes no longer satisfied her.

' I called your husband'

_And just like that, he caught the ball._

…

TBC


	12. -Glimpses of clarity-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kalinda finds herself out of her comfort zone, or maybe... In it?   
> Alicia finds she is very protective of her best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don`t own any of the characters of the CBS-show The Good Wife, just borrowing.
> 
> A/N: As promised, longer with a lot of Kalicia interaction in this one. Thank you so much for sticking with this story! Hope you`ll let me know what you think? Suggestions welcome!

Chapter 12 -Glimpses of clarity-

As she stood in front of the wooden door, Kalinda blinked and tried to retrace her steps. How had she ended up here? Although in her heart she knew it was the only place that made sense right now, she also knew it was the last place where she should go. Just as she had made up her mind to leave, her eye caught the unusually big plant that stood in the hallway. She smiled and smirked as she pretended to walk away, before reaching behind the leaves and taking the boy by the ear.

' Auauauauau'

' Oh seriously, it doesn't hurt that much.'

As she let go of him, he shook his clothes in a masculine manner and she couldn't help but smile at his antics.

' Trying to sneak back in?'

For a moment the boy contemplated lying, but she saw him come to a different conclusion. It made her wonder what Alicia had been like at his age and a strange yearning to find out took hold of her. She had to suppress the urge to literally shake off the feeling.

' Actually, Grace was supposed to let me back in, I guess she fell asleep, the …'

She looked at him sternly and saw his admiration for her battle with the annoyance he now obviously felt.

' Don't even thing about finishing that sentence! Do your parents know you`re gone?'

At that exact moment a tumult broke loose on the other side of the door and although the words were inaudible, Kalinda clearly heard the panic and anger in Alicia's voice. The boy however, only seemed to hear the latter. Picking up his backpack his eyes moved quickly from left to right, and she knew he was trying to find a way to escape this situation.

' So, I better split until this calms down. I'll see you.'

Taking hold of his backpack and turning him back to her, she smiled, feeling how the facial expression had the desired effect. She waited until he smiled back before she, sweetly, answered him.

' Like hell you are.'

The twinkle in her eye actually made Zack laugh, even though he knew he was in a whole lot of trouble. He hadn't wanted to sneak out, but Becca always seemed to have a way of making him do things, even now that they were just friends.

As Kalinda observed the boy she couldn't help but conclude it was a good kid. He wouldn't be the first teenage boy sneaking out late. She also knew for Alicia, it would be slightly different. Ringing the bell she had moments before tried to ignore, she heard the voices inside quiet. Alicia's expression was exactly how she had expected. Pale, on the verge of tears and her eyes in a rage of worry. Her reaction however, was not. Her eyes went from the boy to Kalinda, still holding onto his backpack to prevent him from doing a last-minute runner. And as they rested on the Indian woman, they filled with gratitude before she pulled her into a hug.

' Thank you'

The words, breathed in her ear, made the hairs on the back of Kalinda's neck stand and she couldn't suppress a shiver. As she felt the boy was being pulled inside, she caught sight of Peter who looked at her with amusement in his eyes. She must have looked like a deer caught in headlights. Alicia's arms, tight around her, her own, aimlessly, next to her body. The delightful sensation of Alicia`s body, pressed so tightly against hers, made her blush with a sense of guilt. If already the situation hadn`t been completely inappropriate, the feelings themselves, rushing through her abdomen, were. She slowly brought up her reluctant arms as she felt tears in her neck and her eyes, still connected with Peter's, grew wider. Not just because of the woman, who clung onto her, but also for the gratitude in his eyes.

What did she miss?

So she got the boy inside, that was hardly worth a Nobel price. As Peter turned to his son, and led him to, what she assumed, was his bedroom, she shortly made eye-contact with the boy. She was again surprised to see how much his look reminded her of his mother's and she felt herself wordlessly communicating with the kid, reassuring him she would put in a good word.

Pressing her face against the curve of Kalinda's neck, Alicia felt as if the weight of the world was lifted from her shoulders. Since the moment she had found out Zack was missing from his bed, the boy had died a 1000 deaths in her mind. Feeling a soft push, Alicia pulled back slightly, almost moaning at the breaking of the connection, but suddenly remembering how Kalinda had responded to earlier physical contact.

But Kalinda wasn't pushing her away, but simply guided her through the door, to the living room couch. Gently encouraging her to sit down, her investigators eye fell on a glass of wine she picked up before sitting down next to her best friend. Pushing the glass into Alicia's hands, urging her to take a sip, Kalinda found her hand slowly caressing the lawyers back, trying to calm her. She hesitated, although Alicia didn't seem to mind. Even though Kalinda knew she wasn`t trying to take advantage of the situation by touching her friend, she was painfully aware what someone, who would know about her feelings for the lawyer, would think of this. Furthermore, it was very un-Kalinda-like to be so touchy-feely… She wondered if she should stop the soft caress, but also sensed it was what the other woman needed. They sat so close, their upper legs and shoulders touching, that Kalinda was almost convinced Alicia could hear the pounding of her heart. She bit her lips, still hesitating, scolding herself that she was thinking of hands and touches while she should be worrying about her friend.

' You got the message.'

Kalinda's hand stopped moving as those mesmerizing eyes locked with hers.

' I knew you would find him.'

Relieved of having found the source of the mistake, Kalinda sat up straighter to set it right, when she heard a voice from behind her. Her hand dropped.

'I didn't want her to call you… Obviously I was wrong'

Peter's strong baritone had once had a calming effect on Kalinda, but now it was quite the opposite. She stirred, making sure all contact between her and Alicia was broken before facing him.

' I…'

But before she could respond and set the record straight, she was, again, interrupted.

' Obviously'

Alicia's sarcastic and low tone of voice was one Kalinda hadn't heard before. And she, surprised, glanced at the woman, who now reached out to the bottle of wine and the empty glass that Peter had brought from the kitchen. Filling the glass and wordlessly presenting it to Kalinda, she seemed to have a silent battle with her husband. Swifting uncomfortably, the investigator took a sip of the grapey fluid, feeling how it warmed her slightly, before scraping her throat.

' Listen…'

' No…'

Peter, who hadn't sat down, help up his finger in a gesture that Alicia suddenly realized was very similar to Kalinda's way to catch attention. But, now that it was her husband asking to speak, it felt more demanding and it gave her an urge to kick something.

She was sick of it, so sick of it to live her life the way he saw fit, the way his mother saw fit, the way his campaign-manager saw fit.

When they had found out that Zach was missing from his bed, his first thought had seemed to be about his precious campaign. He couldn't use a loose cannon for a kid right now, he needed the well-behaving boy Zach had always been. She knew Peter loved his kids, but the way he had spoken had made her want to allow Grace to get a full-body tattoo and give Zach the package of condoms she had once confiscated. But to Alicia's surprise, his words now, were not meant for her. Although the icy glare certainly was.

' Thank you, Kalinda, I should have known I could count on you. Now, if you'll excuse me. I'll have to talk to my son.'

Alicia saw Kalinda's eyes move from her to Peter and saw the clear discomfort there.

'Don't be too hard on him. Kids… They sneak out. If you're too harsh he might even want to do so more. He's a good kid, Peter.'

Kalinda's voice sounded soft, almost gentle, and Alicia felt a pang of… Something. What was it? Jealousy? Anger? Was it the aftermath of the worry she had felt for her son that now slowly seemed to drift away? It was a turmoil of emotion she felt as she watched Peter walk away and Kalinda turn to her.

' Alicia, I… I have to clear something up.'

The pronunciation of her name, the way only Kalinda could say it, made her shiver, and she quickly took another sip to hide her involuntary movement.

' Where did you find him?'

Alicia's voice sounded sharper and more demanding than she had intended and she smiled to make up for it.

' I am so glad you got my message, I never get your voicemail. What happened?'

Helpless Kalinda struggled to find the right words and moment to bring the news that the events had not occurred the way Alicia seemed to think. But she knew the longer she waited the more awkward it was going to be.

' That's just it Alicia, I… I didn't. I didn't get your message.'

Confused the lawyer leaned back, taking another sip of wine, while Kalinda played with the ridge of her glass. Alicia was momentarily distracted by the gracious movements of the long fingers as the meaning of the words started to sink in.

' What… so… How did you…?'

Kalinda forced herself to use her words, wishing wordless communication would work right now. She felt awful to think about what Alicia must have been through and it prided her heart to know she had called to her for help. But she had not been there…

' I came to see you. The kid was already there. Well, hiding behind a giant fichus but, basically, already there. So, that's not on my account.'

She reached out for Alicia's free hand, that was lying on her knee and placed, shortly her own on top of it. Feeling the jolt the other woman`s touch always evoked in her, she withdrew her hand quickly, looking at the bodypart as if it had betrayed her. And, in a way, it had.

' I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me.'

The words she had wanted to utter had been somewhere along the lines of an apology for not getting the message, but they had changed somewhere in the way from her brain to her lips.

Alicia looked at the other woman and, slowly took back the hand Kalinda now had placed on her own lap. She was amazed by the sense of the soft skin, the small, delicate size of the hand that always seemed to be able to catch everything. To catch her. Holding her breath and in a dreamlike state, Alicia let her fingertips to explore the palm of Kalinda`s hand, in the back of her head she thanked whoever was listening that the investigator allowed the lingering touch. The touch she hadn`t known she craved until she had found it. Slowly, as if with sudden movements she would scare Kalinda away, she let her fingers carefully slide in between the other woman`s. Mesmerized by the feeling of connection it gave her, Alicia watched their entwined fingers, feeling as if the answer to everything could be found there.

The words, the apology she had thought she wanted to hear from her husband, still running through her mind. But it was Kalinda, who had spoken them, Kalinda, who understood her, Kalinda, who she needed.

' But you're here now…'

Her mouth dry, Kalinda heard her own hoarse voice answer.

' Yes, I'm here now.'

…

Alicia watched as Kalinda cleared the table as if she had never done differently. It felt so… comfortable… to be around the other woman. The waters had calmed and Alicia silently praised Kalinda's insight in the situation. If they had made a big deal out of the thing now, Zach would probably rebel even more. She would have to find a quieter moment to talk to him about it. It was strange though. It was more Grace's style to rebel, although she did it in a 'mustard-seed' kind of way. As she heard Peter talk to Kalinda in the kitchen, she felt that strange sense again. It was very close to jealousy.

What was it? Did she think Peter had his eye on Kalinda? It wouldn't surprise her if he 'checked her out', actually, with Kalinda's beauty and the way she knew how to draw attention to her assets by the way she dressed, she would be surprised if he didn't. Hadn't the investigator herself once said her breasts worked better than subpoenas? And it was true, the hint of cleavage Kalinda always showed definitely drew the attention and was distracting at times.

But, she shook her head to clear it of the unwelcome thoughts, Kalinda was not Peter's type.

She had too much substance.

Wait, did that mean she found herself without substance?

Or that she thought she wasn't Peter's type either?

Before she could try to untangle her confusing thoughts, she heard the tapping of Kalinda's heels near her and, this time successfully, pushed them aside. She hardly paid attention to Peter, as he, muttering, wished them goodnight. Pulling her foot under her, turning herself to Kalinda, she leaned towards the other woman, who had sat down at the edge of the seat next to her.

'Why did you come to see me?'

Despite the late hour, Kalinda looked as awake as Alicia felt, and the laywer's trained eye saw something in her friends demeanor that made her think she was up to talking. The question sounded casual and was meant as such. As an introduction to any deeper conversation. You didn't need a psychology degree to see that with Kalinda, things needed a slow introduction. But the moment she had asked the question, she knew she had hit a cord. Somehow maybe, even the core that she was trying to get to. The Indian woman had tensed up, but seemed to relax again. Not out of comfort but out of defeat. Her shoulders lowered as she placed her elbows on her knees, letting her head rest in her hands. Feeling her body respond on own accord, Alicia sat up and moved closer to her friend,letting her body fit against the side of the other woman,trying to ignore how good that felt.

' I'm sorry, I didn't mean…'

Raising her hand, Kalinda motioned her to stop talking, and Alicia was again surprised how different the emotion was this gesture evoked, compared to the quite similar one her husband had shown earlier.

'I… It's Blake.'

Alicia sensed any question, no matter how encouraging, would be counterproductive right now. She just sat very still, as if any movement could cause Kalinda to be scared into silence again.

Kalinda contemplated her next words, but felt herself unable to think. She had been brought up not to speak of her emotions, and found herself at the loss of vocabulary for what she wanted to say. She hated stammering, knowing it made her come across as insecure, but for the first time since she could remember, she felt she was allowed to be just that.

' He was in… He… He came to my apartment.'

Alicia's raged flamed, sharply, and she could almost taste it. She forced herself to relax, to listen and nothing more, but it wasn't easy as she thought about the other investigator invading her friend`s privacy.

'He… He knows things… About me…About…Leela… That… Nobody knows.'

Kalinda glanced to the side, shortly catching sight of her friend, who only looked at her with interest and nodded. She was grateful Alicia didn't interrupt her and sensed how well the other woman understood what it was she needed. Even better than she did so herself.

' I can't… Leela, she is history. I can't go back. It was too… I just, I can't'

The fear Kalinda had felt when Blake had spoken his last words to her, hit again in full force, and the Indian woman found herself having trouble breathing for a moment.

Putting her hand softly on the other woman's forearm, Alicia found herself incapable to hold in her thoughts any longer. She could only hope her conclusions had been the right ones, or she would make a fool out of herself, but if she did make the jump to say it, maybe Kalinda would feel free to talk to her about it.

' But you're not Leela anymore. You are Kalinda. You are Kalinda, a name I had never heard before I met you, I never associated with anyone. But now I only can say… You're Kalinda. You're strong, you're gorgeous, you're frustrating, you're resourceful, you're terrifying. You're Kalinda, and nobody wants you as their enemy. Believe me…'

The fear in Kalinda's eyes seemed to subside with every word that came out of Alicia's mouth. And as the woman smilingly spoke the last 2 words, the investigator found herself smiling back, feeling the pull of their usual banter.

' So… You think I'm gorgeous…'

Much to her surprise, her teasing wasn't reciprocated. The blush that spread quickly on Alicia's cheek made Kalinda's eyebrows rise. Breaking eyecontact, Alicia found herself looking for a question to ask, to break the awkward silence.

' So what, Blake just showed up at your doorstep?'

Kalinda snorted, the shivery feeling of fear had paralyzed her, but Alicia's words had made her regain some confidence and she slowly started to feel herself again.

' Actually, he was already there when I arrived.'

A dark feeling crept up in the lawyer as she felt the meaning of the words she had to confirm.

' You mean… Outside of your door?'

' No, in my apartment'

As the lawyer jumped up in anger and started to pace, Kalinda, startled, followed her.

' Where are you going?'

Confused Alicia looked at the woman who always seemed to understand her but now seemed to have trouble to do so. The instinct was strong, she had to protect what was hers.

' What do you think. I'm calling Will, that guy is SO fired, and after that you're going to tell me exactly where he is and I will send someone over. We will see what a tough guy he is once he meets some of the 'friends' Peter met in prison.'

The smile that appeared on Kalinda's face was incredulous, but took Alicia's breath away, although not as much as the words that followed.

' I lo… I really… Thank you.'

"I love you, you know that?" she had wanted to say, but caught herself before uttering the words she had never spoken in her life. The fact that she had thought them already shook her to the core. And she tried, very heard, not to think about what that implied. At this moment however, she focused on her disbelieve about almost speaking the words out loud. Knowing she should leave it at that, she heard herself, blushing, continue.

' I've never been someone who… talks about feelings. I simply don't express them. But you are a true friend, Alicia, and I am grateful for that.'

Alicia found herself speechless. Her heart pounded in her chest as if the organ was trying to make his way out of there. And maybe it was… trying to get to… HER. Had Kalinda tried to speak those 3 little words that had never meant much to her? Why did she think so? And why did that suddenly make everything so… Clear. But it now only looked like it had been a glimpse of clarity. A lightning bolt that shortly had enlightened the darkness. A darkness that returned as Kalinda kept explaining. When she saw how the other woman uncomfortably started to shift under her stare, she tried to speak, to utter a response, but found herself unable too. Instead, she simply took a step and enveloped the investigator in her arms. Feeling a heaviness in her movements that came very close to sadness, Alicia tried to joke, ruffling up Kalinda's hair in the hug.

' Who would have thought you would ever go all sentimental on me.'

Kalinda laughed, breaking herself free from the embrace, not allowing her heart to feel the urge to linger there, in that safe place, any longer. She was relieved her confession hadn't been full. She had scared herself, but knew that even though the words she had spoken were not the whole truth, they were the closest to it she could offer.

' So can I go call Peter's jail-buddy to beat up Blake?'

Alicia was glad her voice didn't give up on her, but the playfulness she portrayed sounded awfully 'acted'. Truthfully, she wanted nothing more than find a way to hurt the man who had threatened her friend. The strange emotion grabbed hold of her again, as she looked deep into those dark, emotion-filled eyes. Thankfully, Kalinda didn't seem to notice as she sniggered and Alicia had to catch her breath as a twinkle returned in the black orbs she was observing .

' I don't think that will be necessary'

It were not so much the words as the way she had said them that made Alicia's eyes widen.

'What did you do?'

Kalinda was surprised to find Alicia's voice intrigued, but not disgusted.

' Let's say I think he'll need some sick leave.'

'Kalinda!'

Still the way her name was pronounced wasn't with the outrage she had expected, but more with frustration of not being told the whole story. It made her snigger and the vibration of the genuine feeling in her abdomen warmed her from the inside.

' There… Was a bat… It wasn't pretty.'

Alicia snorted, her eyes twinkling with the strange sensation of pride she felt in her gut.

' A bat? A baseball-bat? So you just happened to have a baseball-bat laying around?'

As the lawyer uttered the words, suddenly something fell into place. Kalinda saw something change in Alicia's eyes as the lawyer was making a connection she hadn't made before.

' Of course! That's it! I assumed he would have a bat laying around, being a Cub. But he's the PITCHER? When is the last time he batted?'

' You don't think he owned a bat.'

Kalinda spoke the words as in a dream, realizing Alicia had a good point. Even if the Chicago Cub's pitcher did own a bat, it wouldn't be very likely he had it lying around. Now if he had been beaten unconscious with a glove…

'I don't think he owned a bat.'

Alicia repeated the words, her passion about the case rekindled by this new found clue. This proved to be more complicated than she had thought before, but then again… So did her life.

TBC.


	13. -trust and fear-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blake is being taken care of, but is he really? 
> 
> Eli asks Alicia a favor, but she needs to think it over...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for the hiatus, ficathon happened ;) Just a short update to assure everyone I haven`t forgotten about this story! I`d like to thank all of you for reading, commenting, following, kudoing (is that even a word?). It means so much! Hope to find out what you think of this one! 
> 
> Disclaimer: Don`t own any of the characters of the CBS show The Good Wife, just borrowing!

 

_**Chapter 13- fear and trust-** _

 

Kalinda watched from the corner of her eye as Alicia passionately pleaded her case to Will. She knew her friend was talking about Blake, but she also knew Will Gardner had a history with the other investigator. She had tried to convince Alicia to not mention anything to Will, that she would be able to handle this herself, but Blake`s parting words still filled her with a fear she had thought to have locked up long ago. The sharpness of the paralyzing emotion made her vulnerable and Alicia`s determination to take care of her stirred something inside of her heart. She knew it was stupid, but she also trusted the female lawyer and knew it was unlikely she would make a fool out of her in front of their boss.

For the first time in a long while she had allowed someone to do something for her, and it shouldn’t surprise her that someone ended up being Alicia. But still, it had. Kalinda had tried so hard to guard herself, to never allow any emotion in her hardened heart, but now Alicia, of all people, had broken through the icy wall she had build around it. The memory of the words she had almost spoken the evening before, the warmth that had filled her as she had let Alicia hug her, not once, but twice. The soft and careful -but burning- touches that had felt so natural to her.

Suddenly everything in Kalinda`s body started to object. Her muscles tensed, her stomach churned.  She could never, should never depend on someone the way she was starting to depend on this woman. Why was she letting her do this? She could handle Blake herself, she always handled the Blakes of her life herself. And she had survived, hadn’t she?

Pressing her fingers tighter around her glass of milk she suppressed the urge to jump up and interrupt the conversation in the other office, that now seemed to be coming to an end.

For a short moment she contemplated the idea that Will had something to do with the blunt but thorough investigation Blake had submitted her to. But she immediately dismissed that thought. Will had a lot of surprising characteristics, and a lot of secrets he knew she knew about, but he just wasn’t the kind of person who would do such a thing. No, then even Diane was a more likely candidate, but she didn’t think any of her current employers was responsible for this. The only people she thought capable of such a scheme were those of her past, Leela’s past.

Suddenly an image of another face, that contradicted her last thought, forced itself up on her. Childs had been livid when she had undercut the questioning at Peter’s hearing and had used her knowledge of the judge’s personal ‘preferences’ to get him a retrial. Would he really let it get this far?

Will’s voice sounded urgent and pulled her out of her thoughts

‘ Kalinda, could you come in for a moment, please?’

As he beckoned her inside his office, a worried look on his face, she crossed paths with Alicia who softly touched her forearm before passing. Kalinda tried very hard not to feel the jolt of electricity that rushed through her at the touch.

In the end, the investigator had found herself sleeping, just for a few hours, on Alicia’s couch. But it had been the most rest she had had in days.

‘ Alicia tells me she`s been having trouble with Blake.’

Kalinda sat, silent, and forced herself not to blink, not too smile. She saw, immediately, what Alicia had done.

He waited for her to comment, acknowledge, elaborate, which she didn’t. She wasn’t sure why she liked to bother him, although she knew it most likely had to do with his attraction to Alicia. Or, more honestly, Alicia’s attraction to him.

‘I called him and he immediately gave his notice. Look, we were going to get rid of him anyway, after the Bond-debacle I don’t like having any of his workers around, but I thought you would like to know, considering a lot of his work will land on your shoulders. Can you handle it?’

She smiled inwardly. She knew one of the actions she had undertaken yesterday, the calls she had made, on her way to Alicia’s apartment, had worked. She was not one to leave things at chance. She wanted him out of her life. And quickly.

‘ Will, you know me, I handle things.’

Her voice sounded very cool, she sensed it herself. It just utterly annoyed her that he seemed to pride himself in something he hadn’t done anything to accomplish. She wasn’t entirely sure how much the fact that Blake wouldn’t work at Lockhart/Gardner anymore, would help her, but if her little scheme was working, he would not dare to come back. And at least she wouldn’t have to run into him all the time. And best of all… It limited his access to Alicia.

‘ Kalinda? You are my best investigator. I was fighting Bond for your promotion and I still stand for that, even with him gone. Your next paycheck will be significantly higher than the last, that I can assure you.’

She knew that was his way of saying he was sorry. For a moment she had been afraid that Alicia would go into detail about what had happened, and there was a strange feeling, sitting in the pit of her stomach, knowing the lawyer hadn`t. The trust she felt was alien to her. And it scared her immensely. She felt the blanket of numbness, that always accompanied her fear, fall over her, and her voice sounded distant when she answered.

‘I appreciate that.’

Getting up, she saw his confusion about her lack of reaction. He obviously had thought that, at least the part about her raise, would evoke something. Shaking his head at her question if he needed her for anything else, he pensively followed Kalinda with his eyes, wondering if there was anything in the world this woman gave a damn about.

…

As Kalinda made her way past Alicia’s office she saw the back of Eli Gold’s head. Catching Alicia’s eyes through the glass wall, she rolled her eyes behind him, making the woman laugh before refocusing her attention on her husband’s campaignmanager.

‘ I told you I wouldn’t do it and I won’t.’

As Eli explained her why he was asking her to do this spousal interview, Alicia felt her attention waver as her eyes and mind drifted once again to Kalinda. Never had she felt like this before. It was like she wanted to breathe the other woman in and keep her close constantly. It was like the whole time, her whole life she had been uncomfortable but she just hadn`t known it until this missing piece finally arrived. She knew she admired Kalinda, at times even she was jealous of what the woman could get away with. Thinking of herself in high heels hitting a man with a baseball-bat just made her laugh, but somehow with Kalinda, the picture matched. But then why did she feel so protective of her friend? I mean, if they would get into trouble, it would be more likely that Kalinda would protect HER.

`Sorry, what was that?`

She tried to focus again on Eli, who urgently asked her attention.

`I wouldn`t ask if it weren`t important, I`m sorry, but it has to be today and it has to be before 5…`

Just looking at the campaign manager with blank eyes, she saw how Eli Gold resigned into losing. Not only her, but everything, and she felt something she hadn`t expected. She felt sorry for him.

`I have to work.`

A glimmer of hope shot up in his eyes, at the sound of doubt in her voice. Was she really considering to do this? And if she did, for who would she do it. For her husband? For herself? For his campaign manager?

`I could arrange that, I will arrange that. Will you just please consider it?`

`Give me an hour to think it over.`

He nodded and, as he left, she laughed at gesture she had seen herself make. Maybe it was contagious to put up a hand in order to obtain authority, but, seeing how it had resulted in a quick exit, it surely had done the trick.

…

 

TBC


	14. -True Colors-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alicia has to take a decision which causes her a headache... Or is there another reason? There is some progress in the case and Kalinda, unintentionally, shows some of her true colors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Don`t own any of the TGW characters... Just gently borrowing them
> 
> A/N: I hope I haven`t lost you all! Trying to update more frequently. Would love to know what you think!

 

**Chapter 14-True Colors-**

 

`You were right, he never batted. But guess what, Elizabeth Stern, she plays too. It’s actually how they met, isn`t that cute?`

The sarcasm in Kalinda`s voice made Alicia smile.

`Oh, no, you`ve shown me your true colors yesterday, missy. I bet I would find a copy of `eat, pray, love` on your nightstand.`

When Kalinda playfully slapped Alicia`s forearm, the lawyer felt something close to an electrical shock at the touch, hiding her involuntary movement as a quasi-offended gesture. Feeling her heartbeat pick up, she started to consider the thought of an illness. She hated being sick, not wanting to allow something like that to show her weakness, but it would at least be an explanation for all these odd feelings she had been having. If she had the flu, all she had to do was take some paracetamol and wait for it to pass. But if it wasn`t –and she was quite sure it wasn`t- she would have to dig deeper.

There was a time that she had loved that. To dig deeper, to get to the bottom of her feelings. She remember that she used to drive her parents, and even Peter in the beginning of their relationship, crazy with her analysis of their, her own, and other`s feelings. But somewhere along the line, it had just stopped to be fun. Was it because she kept coming to the conclusion that she simply wasn`t happy?

`So, the mother had a bat, and the kid just took it?`

Alicia saw Kalinda look around the empty bar, assuring they couldn`t be overheard.

`We`ll ask her, it still can be a lead. I`ll keep digging.`

Alicia smiled melancholically at her friend’s words, which fitted so well with her earlier thoughts. Playing with the ridge of her shot-glass, Kalinda made the tequila move in circles, mirroring her swirling emotions.

`So… Shots, in the middle of the day`

The question mark at the end of Kalinda`s sentence was missing, but there was no doubt it was indeed a question.

`Yup`

`That bad, huh?`

Alicia felt her shoulders momentarily relax, feeling how the other woman`s understanding made all the tension flow out of her body. But the realization of that fact, unfortunately, immediately redeemed that. She moved her neck, trying to get some relieve and prevent the headache she felt coming on. As Kalinda waved the bartender over, for what Alicia assumed was another round of shots, she almost protested but was prevented to do so by the appearance of the barkeeper. The woman was incredulously beautiful, her long blond locks falling in curls around her face, the toned, bare arms as she dried a glass while smiling at Kalinda. But it was not her beauty that had caught Alicia`s attention. It was the light that had appeared into those perfectly shaped green eyes when she had caught sight of the investigator.

`Hi, another round?`

Putting the cloth and the glass in their place, the woman leaned closer to Kalinda, as if to hear her answer.  Morbidly curious how Kalinda would respond to the obvious flirting, she was pleasantly surprised to see her friend just politely smile back.

`No, just a painkiller for my friend, please. And some water?`

The beautiful blonde shrugged, clearly not entirely thrown off by the dismissive answer and produced the requested products.

`So, why don`t you bring your friend home, and come back yourself?`

Annoyed to be talked about as if she wasn`t there, Alicia again found herself interrupted in her  will to protest.

`Lilian!`

The sharp, reprimanding tone of the name surprised her less than the fact that Kalinda actually knew it. She searched for a nametag she knew she wouldn`t find, especially when she heard the mocking answer.

`Kalinda!`

So they DID know each other. The investigator`s eyes seemed to be on fire, as she got off her barstool, making her significantly shorter than the long-legged bartender.

`You`re being rude.`

Suddenly, the blond seemed to give up her act, and as her shoulders dropped, her beauty seemed even more obvious.

`I know I am, but that seems to be the only way to get your attention.`

Glancing from the corner of her eye to Alicia she saw that the lawyer had caught the movement of her eye.

`Hey, never mind me, I`m just the friend you should be getting home…`

The humor and amusement she laid in her voice seemed genuine, but Alicia didn`t feel it. Actually, she felt nothing but numb, right now. She saw how her act fooled Lilian, but Kalinda`s eyes narrowed as she watched her. As the bartender led a distracted Kalinda a few steps away from her, sending her a grateful smile, Alicia felt a heavy emptiness in her chest she couldn`t explain. And, to be honest, she didn’t want to.               

While Kalinda calmly tried to remind the bartender she had never made her any promises, and had actually gone out of her way to reach an understanding about commitment –or more, lack thereof- before she had given into the blonde’s flirtation a few months ago, she couldn`t help her eyes to drift to Alicia ever so often. Although Lilian didn`t take the rejection THAT hard, she saw the bartender was disappointed. And, where that a year ago simply would have annoyed her, it now made her feel guilty. This was one of the problems with her attraction to women. They always seemed to expect more from her than she could give.  

True, sometimes men were the same. She would have to have a talk like this with Anthony soon, who had recently gotten into the habit of wanting to show her pictures of his son and asking her when she would get a weekend off. Alicia, who was polite enough to seem preoccupied with the bottle of painkillers, looked so far away. She had seemed to want to talk and Kalinda felt, awkward, that this had prevented her from being able to do so. It always surprised her how much insight Alicia had on cases, and how little of that sharpness she used to reflect her own life. It seemed to help if she listened -and occasionally commented- and she was more than willing to do so.

`I wouldn`t have picked her as your type.`

Lilians voice, soft and surprisingly kind, sounded only slightly defeated, and she saw how the blonde had followed her gaze.

`Oh… No. It`s not like that. She is just a…`

Laying her slender finger against Kalinda`s lips, the bartender's smile was knowing and forgiving.

`Please Kalinda, don`t. You haven`t lied to me yet. Don`t start now.’

Alicia almost crushed the plastic bottle in her hand as she saw the slender blonde softly kiss the investigators cheek while sliding her hand down her arm. The image, that she just caught out of the corner of her eye, immediately was engraved into her memory. The headache she had foreseen hit her full-force, but she would rather bite her tongue of than take one of the pills the blonde had given her. Noticing how the hands of the two women connected before the barkeeper walked away, Alicia felt the sharp pain in her chest coincide with a vibrating sensation in her pocket. Answering her cell phone, the ringtone her daughter had installed made sure she didn’t even have to glance at the screen to see who was calling, the lawyer took an impulsive decision.

`Yes, Eli, I`ll do it.`

* * *

 

`So you`re saying there wasn`t anything in his blood?`

Bill looked at her admiringly, and she felt his hand slide against hers as he handed her the paper.

`Well, they were pretty late doing the tox-screen, as you can see. They said there was something wrong with the first sample that was taken.`

Kalinda looked up and smiled, seeing how Bill`s eyes fixated on her lips.

`Was there?`

Her question confused him, as if he hadn`t thought about the possibility of the information not being true. Knowing him, he hadn`t.

`I guess so, I mean, if they say so.`

`Hmmm`

Looking at the paper more closely, the investigator noticed the small numbers in the right upper quadrant, indicating the paper Bill had just given her was the second of a set of two. She smiled as she remembered what caused her always to look at those little numbers. How Alicia`s wit, in her first case, had won her the trial and a shot of tequila. Kalinda still couldn`t figure out what had made her ask the lawyer to come to the bar with her, or, even less so, what had caused Alicia to say yes.

`And the first paper?`

He clumsily reached into his backpack, mumbling something about it not being interesting as he fished out a paper with some general information about Martin Flagg. Letting her eyes quickly swift over the words, she took in his date of birth and his blood-type before her eyes rested on his allergies.

`Is that very common? An allergy for oranges?`

She wasn`t entirely sure why that didn`t sit right with her yet, but she knew it would come to her soon enough.

As Bill went on and on about allergies for fruits, she studied the young paramedic. He was handsome, but his geeky self-awareness made it hard for him to approach a girl. She saw however how a woman, a few stools down, seemed to be intrigued by his monologue about strawberries. Dropping a blank paper, making sure it landed close to the interested woman, Kalinda was pleased that her assessment of Bill had been correct. He rushed to retrieve her the lost page as the redheaded woman moved towards it also. As she saw the two young people blush and get into a shy conversation, she inwardly raised her eyes to the sky. She was turning into a meddling romantic. Soon she would have to purchase that copy of `Eat, Pray, Love` she and Alicia always so sarcastically joked about.

It wasn`t until she had made an excuse to leave Bill with his new found love interest and she made her way outside that she heard someone order a cocktail, which almost made her stop in her tracks. Smiling about the links she was making to the case, she made her way outside, ready for a new round of questioning.

* * *

 

`I am merely asking if you saw the whole house as part of your crime-scene, or if you limited yourself to the living room, that`s all.`

`What do you want, Kalinda?`

Antony Burton`s voice sounded annoyed, but she knew him well enough to conclude this mood wouldn`t last long if she played her cards right.

` _I_  WANT to solve this case, Tony, what do  _you_  want?`

He sighed and reluctantly gave in.

`What have you got?`

Contemplating her next move, she shortly stared at the man in front of her. He was not as handsome as the paramedic, but his sure movements and his confidence gave him an edge in being found attractive. She liked him and she didn`t mind the occasional roll-in-the-hay, although she had never stayed for breakfast. Then again, she never did.

He was… Harmless. That was it.

He was a rare gentlemen in a world full of testosterone-induced cockiness. He didn`t look the part, but before he had kissed her the first time he had actually asked her permission. They had met when she was working for Peter and they had gotten used to sharing information and working off of each other. He was one of the few male detectives on the force that had not felt threatened by her or ridiculed her. And when she had been fired and started working for the opposition, their relationship had only slightly changed. She had made it clear from the beginning that she had no intention of ever becoming serious, but lately she felt like Antony had forgotten that statement. She trusted him, but most of all, she trusted herself around him. He didn`t confuse her, he didn`t make her slip things she would never say to someone else. She always could reason around him, never got distracted by emotions. He wasn`t a threat to her because he simply didn`t matter. As a friend, of course. She would help and protect him if he was in trouble. Yes, she cared for him, but he couldn`t hurt her, maybe because she simply didn’t care enough.

`I`m looking for the source of the GHB, the last glass my client has used. She says she remembers being in the kitchen and in her bedroom. Found anything?`

He nodded, thinking about her request. As he got up she expected a brush-off and was surprised when his voice sounded in friendly reply.

`The mother hasn`t returned to the house, so actually our crime-scene is still intact. Let’s go find you your glass.`

As he threw her jacket towards her, she caught both the garment and his eyes. The smile they exchanged was one of comfort and as she sat down in the car next to him, enjoying their moments of silence and occasional banter, she wondered why she couldn`t simply fall in love with him. Why she couldn`t simply commit. Why she couldn`t simply be happy.

 

TO BE CONTINUED


	15. Questions and (Some) Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some answers immediately evoke new questions... As do some questions...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Here`s another one... Sorry for the slowburn, it always seems to happen to me ;) As always reviews are very welcome and can always count on a response!

**Chapter 15 –Questions and Answers-**

As the make-up artist’s assistant gave her a wet towel to get rid of the excess of paint on her face, Alicia caught sight of her own eyes in the mirror. For a moment she felt a strange reluctance to remove the thick layer of makeup, feeling as if the mask protected her from something she couldn`t name. She liked the Alicia of the interview. Calm, in control, friendly but on guard. She didn’t want to step back into the place where she always felt like she was juggling with 50 balls in the air and always felt like she was missing –or missing out on- something. She didn’t want to get back to being the person who felt guilty for everything, from fighting for her job and beating Cary, until not being there when her kids got home from school. Hadn`t Kalinda once said something to her about that? The thought of the investigator – maybe, more specifically the investigator and *that* woman- caused a sharp sting of pain in her chest. The eyes that were looking at her from her mirror image seemed someone else`s, they were dark and a turmoil was clearly visible behind them.

Anger.

Confusion.

Jealousy.

And something she was scared to place.

The pain behind her sternum became dull as she swallowed away the constrictive feeling in her throat. She had felt something close to this when she had seen Kalinda kiss Burton, she remembered. But somehow this… This was worse.

Was that because the bartender had been a woman? Did she feel offended because Kalinda didn’t tell her she dated women as well as men? But then why had she had the immense urge to jerk Lilian’s lingering hand away from her friend and take Kalinda home to… The reflection in the mirror blushed immensely, despite the thick foundation, and Alicia immediately interrupted her own thoughts and steered them in a different direction. Although maybe not a more favorable one.

A question the interviewer had asked kept coming back to her.

_“The rumor is he slept with more than just this prostitute. A coworker from his office. Do you have a comment?”_

She had said that she thought these last minute accusations usually were brought late in the campaign, because there would be no way to make them go away before the voting. She knew it had been a good answer. She knew all her answers had been good. She had known when she had seen the slight disappointment, but respect in the interviewer’s eyes. She had especially known it when she had seen the glimmer in Eli’s.

When had she become so good at knowing what to say? She hadn’t allowed herself to feel anything while the woman was questioning her, but it felt like all the things she had suppressed washed over her now. Did she really believe what she had said? Was the rumor just a trick of the opposition? Or had all her answers been a lie? And when had she become so good at lying?

She did believe that Peter, despite his mistakes, was a good man. She believed he would be better than Childs in the State`s attorney`s office. Did she believe he would be better than Wendy Scott-Carr? That she wasn`t sure of. But ideals, like the woman seemed to have, ideals that she wanted to believe she stood for herself, did not carry you very far in life. She knew that now. She had found out that in her race with Cary to stay at Lockhart-Gardner. It was a choice between being walked over and winning, more than a choice of right and wrong.

Although she still believed that last part mattered immensely, she saw now there were several shades of grey. Wendy Scott-Carr would, if she would be elected as the next State`s attorney, have to adjust her ideals. It was not just a matter of right or wrong there either, it was also a matter of who was easier to be pushed over. And that, Alicia was sure, would NOT be her husband. The lawyer momentarily closed her eyes, unable to face her own reflection.

Yes, it had been true. She found Peter a good man, she had forgiven him, she did love him. Then why did she feel as if she had just given the performance of a life-time? Why did she feel as she had felt when she had told all those lies covering up for her brother in their childhood? But now it felt like she was covering up for herself, although she couldn`t figure out why.

 Yes, she had kissed Will, once. Years ago she would have been crushed with remorse over her action, but not she simply couldn`t find herself to feel anything about it. She had willed herself to feel something for him, to feel passion, to be in love, to justify her action. She had wanted to feel it, but she didn`t. At least not for him. The image that appeared on her retina, like the remainder of light that one would see after looking into the sun for too long, was that of Kalinda. Kalinda and the bartender… Kalinda and… She hastily pushed it away.

When the door opened, she had expected to find Eli, -or maybe Peter?- and she composed herself quickly. But the surprise was on her.

`Blake?`

He smiled, but the expression did not extend to his eyes. He looked cold and calculating as he pulled up a chair close to her. Closer in fact, than she cared to have him. She smirked when she saw him winch as he sat down, realizing the injuries the baseball bat -or rather, the fury of the woman handling the weapon- must have caused the involuntary movement.

`What are you doing here?`

He gave her the once over, making the dressing-room of the TV studio suddenly feel even smaller. Where were the people that she, just moments before, had heard walk around?

`Just trying to figure something out.`

Although she had understood his mumble perfectly clear, she found herself winning time by asking him to repeat himself.

`Excuse me?`

He shook his head, dismissively, but his gaze on her remained sharp, as if he was indeed trying to link something together.

`Will asked me to brief you on any ongoing cases. I`m sorry to interrupt your…`

He gestured around, implying he couldn’t find word`s for the media circus she had just participated in, and for once Alicia had to agree with him. As he moved, she saw him flinch again and make a gesture as if to cover his chest, before changing his mind and simply choosing a different position. Alicia`s sharp eyes caught sight of a scratch in his neck and the bruise of his cheek that was hidden by his five-o-clock shadow. She couldn`t help but smirk again.

`But as you might have heard, I`m leaving town, so…`

His eyes narrowed as he watched her, asking -finally- the question he was getting at.

`How do you do it?`

Although she had an inkling of what he was getting at, she decided to keep playing dumb. Her hand, in the mean time, slid into her pocket, and she hoped her virtual memory was correct as she found her way to the recording part of her cell-phone.

`How do I do what?`

`I watched you, Alicia, you are perfect. The perfect woman, the perfect mother, the perfect lawyer, the perfect wife. How do you forgive a man like that, for doing those things to you?`

Having heard no more than she’d expected, Alicia smiled and shook her head, turning back to the mirror, now more dedicatedly removing the makeup from her face, not even dignifying him with an answer.

`Saint Alicia, they call you, did you know that?`

His voice had gotten a sharp edge as he threw the folder, that had a distinct red color, on the dresser next to them. She willed herself not to respond to the nickname even her brother had already used when they`d been little.

`And you would have to be. A saint that is, to continue to work with _her_ `

Confused at the hearing of the last word, Alicia almost turned around, but at the last moment decided against it. She had heard it in his voice. This was the punchline he had been waiting to deliver. Was there something in that folder that explained it? Or was that simply information about the cases they had had him working on?

She faked a yawn and looked at him through the reflection of the mirror.

`Is that all, Blake? I am tired.`

Although her words were a perfect description of her physical state, the tome in them suggested what she intended, she was tired of _him._

He grimaced once more and turned around, the smile this time more pleased, and thereby, strangely, more scary.

`I bet you just won your husband the election, Mrs Florrick. I wonder if you realize the effect you have on people. Give my best to Leela, oh, Kalinda. I bet she will be pleased with Peter`s election. From what I`ve heard, she has always `supported` him.`

* * *

`And then he just… left.`

Kalinda`s eyes were darker than usual, as was the skin underneath them. Alicia guessed the few hours of sleep the investigator had caught on her couch had not been enough. She seemed slow, distracted and… off her game.  There was something strangely vulnerable about her, and, even more strange, _that_ touched Alicia to the core. They had just played, for the second time, the disturbing conversation she had had with Blake.

The folder had been filled with information about current and previous cases, but nothing that brought them any closer to his mysterious words. Logically the `her` he was trying to refer to was Kalinda, seeing his history with her, but what problem would Alicia have working with her?

`Did he threaten you?`

Kalinda`s voice had an edge the lawyer hadn’t heard before. A tone that strangely pleased her.

`No, and you got him good, by the way.`

Showing a humorless smile, the investigator stood, the restlessness in her body uncontrollable. Why had Blake done this? Why had he looked up Alicia? It just didn`t make any sense. Unless…

Pushing the play button again, Kalinda closed her eyes, trying to focus on the words. Concentration was hard these days, but she needed it now.

_“And you would have to be. A saint that is, to continue to work with **her** ”_

_“She has always **supported** him”_

Her eyes shot open as she pushed herself back from the table. He knew. Could he know?

`Kalinda?`

Turning her attention to her friend, she met those questioning eyes. They were so close, so open, so full of questions and –also- so full of trust. Kalinda looked away, unable to bear the undeserved praise laying there.

`I think her is just messing with your head, Alicia, seriously. Or he is using you to get to me. I don`t know. I`m sorry.`

The last words sounded more serious than just a simple apology for the lack of knowledge Kalinda had to share. Alicia saw her swift uncomfortably and was surprised –although maybe she should not have been- by her change of subject.

`So, I hear your interview went well.`

`Yes, Eli was pleased`

Alicia rolled her eyes in the motion that always made Kalinda smile.

`He should be, I bet you were perfect.`

Kalinda had tried to sound casual while speaking the words, but heard herself fail miserably.

`You didn’t see it?`

The investigator, who hadn’t been able to put herself through an hour of watching Alicia talk about Peter, flinched at the slight sound of hurt, no matter how playful, in her friend’s voice.

`No, I… I was…`

`Otherwise occupied?`

The eyebrow movement that accompanied Alicia`s last words did not entirely dismiss the edge of resentment in her voice.

`Yes.`

Although Kalinda had the urge to reassure the woman in front of her, her prior engagement had had nothing to do with Lilian, she caught herself. Why would Alicia want to know anything about that? She couldn`t help but try to clarify a little, though.

`I was out investigating.`

`Oh, is that what you gals call it these days?`

Now successfully sounding teasing, Alicia felt the numb pain in her chest sharpen. And she knew her smile must have been a little off by the look Kalinda gave her. Frustrating by Kalinda`s lack of response, Alicia threw her jacket over the chair in a harsher way then intended, causing the garment to slip and drop. As both women crouched and reached for the item of clothing, their eyes and hands met for a short moment.

Kalinda swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry as Alicia seemed to look into her soul. The look said more than a thousand words, and seemed to ask a question, but the language was one Kalinda did not understand. She blushed, the intimacy of the moment deeper than many she had ever experienced, and she wanted to drown in Alicia`s eyes. Her heart pounded and the urge to reach out and cup the other woman`s cheek, to pull her close, to kiss the soft lips and lose herself in her, had never been more strong.

But Alicia broke their contact and moved away quickly. The lawyer had told herself she had come back to the office to make up for the time she had lost, doing the interview in the afternoon. Also she had wanted to pick Kalinda`s brain about Blake. But now she knew she had been disguising her real reason. She wanted to be with Kalinda. It was the only place in the world that made sense. And then, at the same time, it didn’t.

Alicia had had friends before, both female and male, but never one as close as this. It just wasn’t logical. Kalinda didn`t offer her anything about herself. She didn’t even know the other woman`s age, for crying out loud!  
It was usually she who talked and Kalinda who listened, Kalinda who offered insight, Kalinda who was there for her. Was that why she had found the other night so special? The night when Kalinda had come to her? But still, the trinkets of information she received seemed nothing compared to the way she had opened up to the investigator. And she never had done so to anyone before.

Her parents, well, they were a whole different story, but she had spend most her childhood taking on the responsibilities they were dropping. Her brother, honestly, she had never seen as a peer until recently. And still now she saw his immaturity and the way he handled life and problems as an obstacle for her sharing her thoughts with him. Then there had been Peter. Alicia tried to look back to the beginning of their relationship. Their witty banter, their neverending discussions about everything under the sun. He had kept her sharp, and she had loved it. But had they really discussed the essentials? And had they recently?

Kalinda always seemed to find that one question that put the finger on the right spot, and she was not afraid to ask it.

Alicia remembered her asking if she loved Peter, if she wanted him home, if they shared a bed. Questions that gave her insight in her situation, without having to hear a lecture. But also questions, she knew, no one else would dare to ask her, and that included the interviewer on the TV-show. As she saw the investigator look through the red folder Blake had left behind, Alicia considered what was so special about the woman.

`What is it about you?`

`Sorry?`

 Shocked the lawyer realized she had spoken the inquiry out loud.

`I… It`s just… You fascinate people. Look at Blake, look at that girl at the bar. And wherever you go, you can convince someone to give you exactly what you want. So what is it about you?`

Amused by the question, Kalinda moved her chair closer to Alicia, pondering.

`I think it`s the mystery. I`m a private person. People think there is more.`

Alicia narrowed her eyes at the answer, thinking it had some truth in it. Yet another trinket.

`And, is there?`

The twinkle in Kalinda`s eye, accompanied by a flirtatious smile, made Alicia`s heart jump up.

`I don`t know. Would you like there to be?`

Misinterpretating Alicia`s breathlessness, Kalinda turned serious, and smiled.

`I don`t try to be mysterious, if that’s what you mean. I just... I don`t talk. I don`t like to talk. And I`m not good at it.`

Alicia, catching her breath, felt her heart melt at this new side of Kalinda. She kept discovering more of them, it felt like she was looking into a kaleidoscope. A Kalinda-kaleidoscope.

`Does that mean you don`t like people close to you?`

It pleased Alicia that Kalinda seemed to think about her question before giving the answer.

`I am assuming you`re talking about emotional closeness.`

The lawyer merely nodded to confirm. Her mouth dry at the sight of the twinkle of light in Kalinda`s eyes. At the possibility of another closeness. The closeness she had almost allowed herself to experience that day, in the elevator when Kalinda _had_ been close… _So_ close.

`I don`t think it is a question of ‘like’… I just never felt the urge before.`

Kalinda could bite of her tongue as she heard herself utter that last word and she knew Alicia would catch on.

`Before? So you do now?`

The surge of heated rage, of the jealousy she couldn`t even try to deny, shot through Alicia as she saw again, in her mindeye, the interaction Kalinda had had with the beautiful bartender.

Kalinda, in the mean while, was trying very hard not to think about the person who was asking her all these questions. Instead, her mind drifted to a woman of her past. Donna, who had come close to her, well, at least, closer than the others. Donna, who had tried to calm her that night, after the nightmare. Donna, who had picked up her phone, simply because she could. Donna, who had scared the crap out of her.

`My point is, Alicia, I just… I`m not build that way. I don`t have anything to offer. When someone would actually get close to me in the way you mean, they would probably figure out quite quickly, the thing they had expected to find behind the mystery simply isn’t there.`

The lawyer closed her eyes shortly, she was not sure of many things today. Confused questions kept running through her with the speed of light, but this, this she knew. She looked up and searched the side of Kalinda`s face before she replied.

`I wouldn’t be so sure about that.`

* * *

**To Be Continued**


	16. -A tell-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The famous baseball-bat-you-have-a-tell-scene with a little twist at the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It`s a shorty, this one... Thank you for sticking with me. The story has more canon than I anticipated. We`re getting closer to the reveal. What happens after, though, will be very different from canon! Anxious to hear (read) your thoughts!

 

Chapter 16-a tell-

`Hi there.`

Kalinda had sensed him as she had gotten out of her car, but she refused to let herself be guided by fear. His last words to her the former evening haunted her, but she had to believe it had been a bluff. If she thought otherwise she simply couldn`t breathe. She opened the trunk as he approached her and took the baseball-bat in hand, quickly shifting it to get a better grip as she turned to face him.

`What do you want?`

She felt amused as she saw him raising his arms in defeat and taking several steps back. But the pleasant feeling was short-lived. She was tired. Tired of him, tired of fighting, tired of running and hiding, and most of all tired of being scared.

`Just… inform you. I come in peace.`

`I thought you had given all the information on the case to Alicia.`

Although she knew he wasn`t talking about that she saw her little game was working. He assumed Alicia had talked to her about the meeting in the dressing room. He expected her to be upset about it. And even though she was, she sure as hell wasn`t going to show him.

`Actually, this is about you.`

His eyes sparkled with evil as he observed her reaction, but she was surprised that her lack thereof didn’t seem to have any effect on him.

`You have a tell.`

Even though Kalinda had not expected this turn of the conversation, she did her best to keep her face unreadable, clinging a little tighter to the weapon in her hand.

`You came all this way to inform me that I have a tell. How kind of you.`

`You know I have been spending all my time trying to come up with a `why`, only to find out, it all comes down to `who`. `

Trying to make sense of his cryptic words, Kalinda simply stared at the man who had disrupted her life. Slowly some parts of the puzzle started to fit, but she wasn`t able to see the bigger picture yet.

`All the time I was investigating you, I got the feeling there was nothing you gave a damn about. But, that`s where your tell comes in.`

`So are you going to tell me what it is?`

Sounding impatient, Kalinda controlled the quiver in her voice by forcing herself to take a deep breath.

`You haven`t listened. It`s not about `What`, it`s not about `Why`…`

Her heartrate picked up as she sensed where he was going. But he couldn`t know… Could he?

`It`s all about `Who``

She felt weak and had to consciously maintain a tight grip on the heavy weapon in her hand, before she would drop it.

`Every time I get close to her, you overreact. The first time, you smashed my car, then, just for talking to her, you smashed my ribs, -thanks for that by the way- and now, you came to look for me, simply because I talked to her after her interview.`

He circled her, like a vulture would his dying prey but she had stopped to follow him with her eyes.

`Alicia Florrick is the only thing Kalinda Sharma gives a damn about… Which is quite interesting, don`t you think?`

The impending doom in his voice made Kalinda sense what was coming. She had sensed it since she had heard Alicia`s recording, maybe she had known before. She didn`t know how he had found out, but he had, which meant she had to get to Alicia, before he could.

`The facts were not so hard. Although it was strange there were no records of Kalinda Sharma before you started working at the State’s Attorney’s office, but then I found Leela, and everything made sense. Peter did a very good job on the papers, so don’t blame him. You just should have thought to tie some speeding tickets or something or other to Kalinda Sharma, prior to his legalization of your ‘ little change’ .’

Kalinda felt how a weakness, a numbness started to take over. He knew. He knew. How did he find out? Only she and Peter knew and he would never talk about it.

‘ You must have been very  ** _grateful_** to him.’

He came closer, approaching cautiously as one would a wounded predator. She felt how she started to shake, but she willed herself to keep standing, to hold on just that little longer.

‘You slept with him.’

He spit the words in her face, stating them like a fact, not a question. She saw in his eyes his certainty. Smelled it on him, the cockiness of being right.

‘ It’s not true.’

Her defense sounded weak, that of a child denying she took a candy.

‘ Oh, Leela, don’t waste your breath lying.’

He turned around as if ready to walk away, but then moved slightly to face her. His body was close to hers, and she couldn’t help but back up. The stone pillar felt cool and hard against her back, her hand, holding the baseball-bat, was sweaty and she felt she wouldn’t have enough strength to use the weapon.

‘ Do you dream about it,  _Kalinda_? Do you fantasize about the night you spent with him?’

It confused her, how he was off, but also gave her some hope. He may have seen through some parts of her life, but some secrets still remained. At least she thought so. But then she saw his face change and readied herself for a final blow.

‘ And do you put  ** _her_**  in his place, when you do so?’

As the sound of his footsteps echoed through the parking lot, further and further away from her, Kalinda felt her knees give way. As the bat slipped out of her hand she used the bodypart to cover her face that she knew had told him what he had wanted to know. He had played the game perfectly, chosen his words, his actions carefully. He had beat her, harder than he could have done with any weapon. He had beat her, with the truth.  And, as she sat there, alone, against the cold concrete, she knew it.  

**_TBC_ **


	17. -A Time Bomb-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We are getting closer to Alicia finding out a crucial part of information about her husband's scandal. But how will she find out? Kalinda, knowing Blake is out for revenge, knows she has to take action, but what will that action be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you are still with me, and hoping, also, to find out what you think!

 

 

 

_**Chapter 17 - A time bomb-** _

She wished, for the umpteenth time that evening, that Kalinda was beside her. The dull, empty talk, the hidden agendas. She despised it. She was glad Eli had convinced Peter not to have the election-party at their apartment, although she knew his and her reasons were completely different. As he didn’t want the world to see the simplicity of the place, she simply couldn’t grasp the idea of having a TV crew in her living room. And, looking around her now, she knew all of these people would never have fitted in her modest apartment.

Smiling at yet another important Democrat, Alicia suppressed the urge to roll her eyes. The polls had seemed good after her interview, and many people had come up to her to let her know that if Peter won, it was thanks to her. Kalinda would have hated this kind of interaction too, but the presence of her best friend at least would make it more bearable. They would have exchanged a look and known, instantly, what the other one was thinking. Alicia smiled at the mere thought.

She absentmindedly registered the cheering when it was announced her husband won another district when she saw her. Alicia sat up straighter and felt her eyes being pulled to the other woman, who she had hoped, but never expected, to show up. The light dress was a perfect contrast to Kalinda’s skin. The garment hugged her in all the right places and Alicia noticed she wasn’t the only one mesmerized. Trying to catch her best friend’s eye, Alicia stood, but she saw the dark eyes wander over her in look for something, someone else. As she saw Kalinda, determent, make her way through the room, she felt a strange sort of disappointment she tried to swallow away. Her heart stopped as Kalinda touched her husband’s forearm. His surprise to see her, his attempted hug the Indian woman barely seemed to feel. As she saw her best friend lead her husband away from the people he was talking to, and brought her lips close to his ears to tell him something, Alicia felt her emotions explode inside of her.

She had always thought of herself as a composed person, but she felt herself get ready to prove the opposite. The rage of jealousy as she saw Peter guide Kalinda to a separate room was overwhelming.

…

Kalinda moved uncomfortably, the dress she had chosen was tight and hurt her, but she felt the punishment as a relieve. She had to talk to Alicia, and she hated that she had to do so now, but this couldn’t wait. The only thing it would have to wait for was her conversation with Peter. She owed it to him to let him know what was happening, knowing her confession would have, most likely, a great impact on his marriage. She cringed at the thought that maybe he would want to be there when she told Alicia, but knew she had to give him the choice. He had done too much for her, she would always be in his debt. The thing she feared the most was that he would try to convince her not to, because a part of her didn’t want to perform the task that laid before her. She knew she would lose the person she had let closest to her soul by speaking the words that would hurt her so deeply, and she could hardly bear it.

But if Alicia would hear it from someone else… She knew it would be beyond repair, everything would be beyond repair. It was that conviction and her strong sense of debt towards Peter that had brought her to the party. She knew the time for lying had passed, but she knew convincing Peter it had done so, would not be that easy.

Now, as she faced the man that had given her the life she led now, she found herself at lost for words. The ‘ we have to talk’  she had whispered in his ear, had been the easy part. She felt his appreciating eyes slide over her body and felt like hiding it.

‘ I can’t do this, Kalinda.’

His voice sounded amused, flattered and suddenly she realized what he had thought she had come here to do. She tried to wield the disgust from her voice as she answered, but was not completely successful.

‘ Good for you, Peter. I came to talk to Alicia.’

Confused he brought his eyes up to hers, his handsome face pensive.

‘ Well, she is around here somewhere. Would you like me to get her? Is it work? Can’t it wait?’

His eyebrows darkened as he noticed something on her face that came close to panic.

‘ No… To all of the above…’

She looked into his eyes, making sure her next words would not be misinterpretated.

‘ Peter… Someone knows…’

The words seemed to hit him like lightning and she saw he instantly knew what she was referring to.

‘ Someone? Who? How?’

‘ I’ve had some problems with a competing investigator. He backgrounded me, quite thoroughly might I add. You didn’t tell anyone?’

His eyes darkened as he shook his head, but a little voice in the back of Kalinda’s head told her not to believe him. Maybe he had bragged, confided, confessed. She heard he was religious now, which could cause people to do the strangest things.

‘Is there a way to shut him up?’

She shook her head, thinking of the look she had seen in Blake’s eyes. He was out to destroy her, and if she had been right before about who had hired him, they wouldn’t mind taking Peter down in the process.

‘ I’m going to tell Alicia.’

‘ Like hell you will!’

His immediate response was more or less what she had expected, but the fierceness in his eyes and gestures, clearly showing his panic, she had not.

‘ Peter…’

He sat down, covering his face with his hand, clearly trying to come up with a solution for this problem.

‘ Don’t you ‘ Peter’  me… I have to think… I can’t think.’

Calmly, she approached him, knowing she had to give him some time. Her voice sounded soothing and hid the turmoil of emotion she felt.

‘ This is a ticking time-bomb, the only thing we can do is let it explode in OUR time.’

Annoyed, he looked up to her, shaking his head.

‘I don’t know if you noticed, Kalinda, but I’m running for State’s Attorney, the election is this minute and I am about to win. This really is not the time for a bomb to explode.’

Kalinda bit her lip, knowing there would never be a perfect time, and this was as good a time as any. Especially with Blake on the loose.

‘ Do you want her to find out through someone else? What do you want to do, just deny it? She won’t believe you, Peter.’

‘ You’re acting like you know her better than I do. Alicia will believe me.’

His cockiness made the muscles around Kalinda`s jaws tighten, and she tried to prevent herself from screaming. He was married to this wonderful woman, and he didn’t even bother to LOOK at her, to KNOW her. It was immensely frustrating .

‘ She is not the same woman who was standing next to you in that press-conference.’

She hadn’t completely succeeded in hiding the emotion in her voice. She sounded annoyed, and knew the moment she had said it, it had the opposite effect of what she was trying to accomplish, but she couldn’t stop herself.

‘ I need her!’

‘ As a person or as a politician?’

He stood, his eyes now raging with anger as he walked towards her.

‘ What do you want, Kalinda, why are you doing this? I helped you! And now…’

Raising her hands she took a step back.

‘ I’m not doing anything, all I want is to tell her before she finds out another way. I hear that in the interview she was already asked about you sleeping with a coworker. Blake is leaking this and she will find out, whether we want it or not. This is our only chance, Peter, don’t you see that?’

He just stood there, lost in thought, shaking his head.

‘ I can’t do this to my family.’

Although a little voice in her head told her he should have thought about that before, Kalinda felt the same. She did not want to hurt his family. And she also knew she should have thought about that before. She felt like a hypocrite that she had to get to know the woman she had betrayed before feeling anything. Before feeling the guilt that was eating her now.

She had told herself time and time again that Alicia loved Peter, that it was good that she was giving him another change, that she didn’t want to take that away from the other woman just by telling her.

Just to clear her conscience.

She wanted Alicia to be happy but also knew she wasn’t now. And now she would be forced to add to that unhappiness and she felt terrible for it. But maybe, if she took some of the power out of Blake’s weapon by telling Alicia the truth, it would not become a media circus and the kids could be spared. Although all these thoughts tumbled through her head, she did nothing to put them in words, knowing he would have to come to this conclusion himself.

‘I will do everything to protect them.’

His voice sounded threatening and for a moment Kalinda doubted if the threat was meant for Blake or for her. She tried to keep her mouth shut, as she knew would be the best strategy, but her anger got the better of her. If he would really want to protect them, protect her, he wouldn’t want her to live in doubt all the time. He wouldn’t want her to find out by the hand of someone else.

‘ Only, it’s not your family you are protecting here, but yourself.’

He rose above her as he approached, and the intention of his earlier threat became very clear.

It had been towards her.

‘ I swear to God, Kalinda, I’ve never thought to use this. And you know I don’t want to. But if I’m going down, Leela is going with me.’

Her eyes widened, the unexpected words slowly started to sink in. She knew she had turned pale as she saw him smirk.

‘ Maybe she will find out, maybe she won’t. But if YOU tell her, Kalinda, I’m confessing everything. Do you understand me?’

He saw the despair in his eyes, but couldn’t feel sorry for him. There was simply no room left in her heart to feel anything. She was losing control over everything in her life. Her past, which she had thought to get over with forever, was haunting her. Now in more than just flashbacks and nightmares. She knew why he did it. If she told Alicia, there was no way back, there wouldn’t be a doubt left for him to tell his lies. She saw now so clearly the man that he was, and she despised him for it. Her past was terrifying, but that was what she knew.

It felt now as if the unknown was more terrifying than anything she had ever gone through.

Alicia didn’t know.

She didn’t know what kind of man she married, she didn’t know what kind of man she planned a future with.

She didn’t know her best friend had betrayed her.

Kalinda was scared. Scared for what would happen if her past came out. But she wasn’t Leela anymore. She was Kalinda. And Kalinda could handle anything. Anything but seeing that one woman hurt. She had to tell her. Her voice sounded cold and calculating, and didn’t show a sign of weakness as she answered his threat.

‘ Yes, I understand. I understand how low you sank. You have just made this very easy for me, Peter. I felt an obligation towards you and you just lifted me from it.’

Positioning herself differently so that it suddenly seemed she was in HIS face instead of the other way around, she spit the words in his face, no longer restrained by politeness.

‘ She is the best part of you, and you fucked up. So face it like a man and maybe she’ll forgive you, she did it before. But it’s this I know, Peter Florrick. Even if she does… You don’t deserve her. You never did.’   

 Turning around to return to the party, she felt how his strong hand enveloped her upper arm. Pulling her back roughly he pushed her into the chair he had just occupied. For a moment she froze, the violence in his movements, the rage in his eyes, making her stop in her tracks. She wasn’t sure what he was planning to do to make her submit to him and she couldn’t help but defensively move back in the chair as he made a sudden movement. A reaction Leela would have had, but not Kalinda. But he didn’t hit her. He didn’t try to grab her. He simply glared at her as he swiped her bag of the table and turned around.

She heard the clicking sound of the lock before she was able to move again, exhaling shivery, and she didn’t have to try the door to know she wouldn’t be able to go out. She heard a tumult erupt the moment her seemed to join the party again and registered the happiness in it.                                                                                   

So… Peter Florrick was the next State’s Attorney. Alicia would be the State’s attorney’s wife again.

Knowing her voice would not carry until the party, no less be heard over the noises of celebration, Kalinda resigned and fell back in the chair. She was tired. Tired of fighting. Fighting against Blake, fighting against her past. Sometimes it felt like it was a battle just to breathe in and out.

But the most tiring battle was one she knew she couldn’t win, and one she also knew she couldn’t give up. But it exhausted her especially to be fighting  against her feelings for Alicia.

 

_**TBC** _


	18. -False Reassurance-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The election is won, but something else is lost...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N: A hard one to write, and I can imagine, to read... Sorry to make you go through this again, but trust me, it may take some time, but I`ll fix it. Let me know what you think!
> 
> Ps. I love reviews, and always respond to them. So when/if you leave one, please check back in the comments!

**Chapter 18-False reassurance-**

Alicia smiled as she heard the sound of celebration erupt from the other room. Not too long before the final votes had come in, she had chosen to find a more private room, an office she wasn`t sure ever had been used. The place looked sterile, not a post-it or a paperclip to indicate any inhabitants.

But maybe Eli had vacated the office already. There was no way for her to be certain.

The emptiness however reflected well on her feelings and the place calmed her. She was glad he had won, even though it meant they would probably change their life drastically, AGAIN. She was pleased she found out she was glad, because with all her reservations she had felt guiltily insecure on whether she wanted him to be elected.

She heard the door and expected 1 of 2 people. She either thought the person, who entered quietly, was Peter, coming to share his success with her in private, or it was Kalinda, finally freed from the current State’s Attorney’s presence. The latter seemed more likely, Peter would have to shake hands and would most definitely be missed at the hour of celebration. But why was the latter also more desired? When she turned around to face whoever it was who had entered, she was surprised her eyes first met a stroller.

The man who pushed it was an investigator she recognized. He had worked with Cary when he investigated Kalinda and she immediately was on her guard. Before she could ask him anything however, he approached, hand outstretched, to introduce himself.

‘ Wiley, Mrs Florrick. It’s nice to finally meet you in person.’

He seemed shy and a little awkward, but there was something about his movements Alicia found calculating. She had stood to shake his hand and did not sit back down, feeling the current position made her less vulnerable.

‘ Congratulations on the win. The interview you gave… It did the trick, I think.’

She smiled humorless in recognition of his words.

‘Yes, as you can see, there is a celebration going on. Highly inappropriate for you to seek me out, right now, I think.’

As she coldly spoke the words, she initiated a path to the door behind him, but he pushed the stroller so that it would block her.

‘ You know, I’ve been trying to make an appointment to talk to you for quite a while now. To tie up some loose ends. But that’s not why I’ve come here tonight.’

Intrigued, Alicia halted. His voice had not sounded angry or upset. It did not even sound invading. He sounded… Sincere. Still guarded she signaled him to go on.

‘ I know what it’s like to have a spouse who is… In the spotlight… Shall we say. I saw your interview. In my investigative work for the former State’s Attorney I have come across some facts that might explain some of the rumors that have been circulating.’

She knew she had turned pale when she saw the look on his face, and he rushed forward to offer her a chair.

‘ No, I’m so sorry Mrs Florrick, that came out wrong. What I am trying to say is I am familiar the source of this new gossip, but it’s untrue.’

Looking into her eyes reassuringly, he rocked the stroller distractedly. There was something harmless about a man bringing his child to a conversation like this. But on the other hand, it probably was a strategy. Which would make him calculating. Alicia couldn’t make sense out of her emotions.

‘ And you know this because…?’

He smiled, half an eye on the sleeping baby.

‘ Like I said, I came across it in my work.’

He pulled two sheets of paper out of his bag and placed them before her. Alicia’s trained eye immediately recognized the layout of an ASA’s interview. The name of the person interviewed had been blanked out however.

‘ This is the source of the rumor, Mrs. Florrick. In an interview it was mentioned your husband had slept with a co-worker when he was State’s Attorney last time. My former boss found this interesting, for personal reasons, as you can imagine.’

Suddenly she realized why he was doing this, he wanted her to put in a good word with Peter for him. Deciding to play the game along, she nodded, knowingly, as an answer to his earlier remark.

‘ I investigated this information profusely, Mrs Florrick, and I can assure you that the person that he supposedly slept with, does not exist. The person giving the interview most likely wanted to give Mr. Childs what he wanted to hear.’

Wiley, who had also sat down when he had offered her the chair, gathered the papers and got up when she stopped him.

‘ I take it that’s a copy?’

He seemed reluctant to give her the papers, what made her suspicious. Had he lied to her? Had he been hired by Peter already and now was sent to reassure her. But then he handed them to her, and moved closer to show her the part he had been talking about, his eyes filled with false reassurance.

‘ You see? The mention of this name, over there. She doesn’t exist. Not only did she never work in the State’s Attorneys office, she simply doesn’t exist. There is no such person, Mrs Florrick, as Leela Tahiri.’ 

 

_**TBC** _


	19. -Emptiness-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Kalinda, freedom always has been important... But it`s been a long time since it was quite so literally so. For Alicia, commitment and duty have always played a big role. Will they continue to do so now that she knows?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! Thanks for waiting for this chappie, I`ve been slightly blocked! Also a BIG Thanks for the comments and kudos, they are very much appreciated. I hope to hear yout thoughts about this one.

 

Chapter 19-Emptiness-

It reminded her of the case about the drones in Afganistan. That’s what she felt like, a drone. A senseless piece of metal that was controlled by another person, or maybe not even that, by a computer.

Would she be able to kill on command as well?

Trying to get rid of the morbid thought, she forced herself to pay attention to her surroundings. She felt a hole in her chest where her heart had once pounded and she didn’t even know what she was doing until she was in the apartment, with the real estate agent.

`It`s a little smaller than we discussed.`

The never faltering smile on the woman`s face made Alicia look away. She heard the curiosity in the woman`s voice, but no matter how much she felt like breaking everything in a 3-mile radius, she knew gossip wouldn`t help anything. Luckily her drone-like state helped her to remain unreadable.

`The good news is though, it`s very close to the State`s attorney`s office, and the lease can be signed right away.`

As the woman placed the papers on the bar and continued to talk to her about the apartment`s assets, Alicia felt how she drifted away. The voice of the agent still sounded in the background, like an almost-forgotten lifeline she could use to get back into the world. If she wanted to. But right now? She didn’t.

When Wiley had pointed out the name, -the name Blake had dropped so casually, so many times- and had spoken the words, she had known it was true. Rationally there were many more reasons to believe that it was a set-up, but she simply knew it was true. It had felt like everything fell IN place, and oddly enough at the same moment, OUT of it. How Kalinda had visited Peter in prison, the look she had seen them sometimes exchange. She didn`t know why, but she was certain, and her automatically taken actions spoke of that.

As she, obligatory, engaged in slight small-talk with the agent while she signed the lease, she looked around the empty apartment, wishing she could regain the feeling she had had only a few hours before in the empty office-space.

The last time she had found out that Peter had cheated, she had felt all these… emotions. She had been relieved and devastated at the same time. Anger and  fear had done a battle in her heart, both trying to win first place. But now all she felt was… Nothing.

She was empty. Like the office, like this apartment. She was empty. 

After she had taken the keys from the other woman, she leaned against the bar, and waited. Simply waited to feel something. Now that she was alone, she had to feel something. But the rush of emotion she had expected, didn`t come. Maybe she had pushed her feelings away for too many times, the past years.

When Peter had been sent to prison, there hadn`t been any time to think about herself. She had had two teenage children to support, to protect, not only from the fact that their father was now considered a criminal, but also from the media circus that their life had become. Then, when they had asked her help to get him out, she had done so with reluctance, but still with the sense to be doing the right thing.

It had been Kalinda who had seen her reluctance and had asked her if she had wanted him home. And then, as she had confirmed, had made it happen.

It was the thought about the investigator that made the sharp pain in her chest appear. For a moment Alicia felt as if she couldn’t breathe. The icy hotness of each inhalation of air cut through her like a knife. Pushing the oxygen out of her longs, Alicia felt her knees buckle and grasped a hold of the cold corner of the bar in front of her. The fresh marble gave her the balance she required to remain upright and she pushed back the tears that had begun to form.

 Thinking about Kalinda was too much, she simply couldn’t bear it. Picking up the phone, Alicia scrolled through her contacts until she found the number she needed. Putting the smartphone to her ear, she inhaled, feeling herself slip into the automatic pilot again the moment she heard Peter`s voice.

…

Kalinda Sharma simply sat. If someone would have been observing her, they would never guess the turmoil that was raging through her. Only moments before she had calmly walked around the abandoned office, but it was not possible to open the windows of the high building. And even the airvent she had considered was surely out of reach.

She knew she should not go through extraordinary measures to get out, he would free her at any moment. And if not him, someone else would find her. It was just that the sensation of being locked up paralyzed her, and she only knew one way to deal with that.

Work.

But in the absence of her bag, her phone, a computer or even a piece of paper and a pencil, the investigator found herself thrown back on her most basic database. Her mind.

Shivering in her thin dress, Kalinda had found herself pushing the chair to the corner of the office, the furthest away from the airconditioning, which seemed to be blowing at full speed. And now she just sat there, her mind working steadily. It was the only thing she could do to prevent thinking about the threats, both his and Blake`s, that had been thrown to her lately. The only thing to avoid wondering what would happen when Alicia would find out she had slept with her husband.

Feeling her breathing fasten again, Kalinda wrapped her arms around herself, covering her shoulders in the thin shawl she had brought.

Work.

Antony was supposed to call her tonight with the results of what had been found in and on the glasses they had found. There had been one in the client`s bedroom and several in the kitchen. He had even, at her strong urging, ordered testing of the package of orange juice and the bottle of vodka she had found in the fridge. She knew it had been a long shot, but hoped it would get her further. What would Antony do if he couldn’t get a hold of her? The mental image of him, barging in the door to rescue her, made her snort sarcastically. Maybe she should be getting that copy of Elizabeth Gilbert`s memoirs after all.

It wasn’t so much HIM she was longing for, though, but freedom. The thought of another person, who could call, creeped in unexpected. One who evoked, -albeit slightly- more emotion. Lana had said, maybe, a case would bring her in Kalinda`s proximity this week. Lana was just complicated enough to be interesting, but, the investigator knew, also smart enough to be a danger. She liked her though, the tough, closeted, game-playing FBI-agent, it felt a little like the tough, closeted, game-playing parts in herself found their match in her.  Again, Kalinda found herself wishing she could simply be normal and FEEL something for another human being. Something that was stronger than a peak of interest or amusement. The image that formed itself –of someone she DID care strongly about- in her mind was quickly suppressed by another as she focused once again on the case.

Of course she had taken the opportunity to take a look in the victim`s room which he shared with Alex` mother. Antony had caught her as she, gloved, went through the woman`s clothes. Not entirely sure what she was looking for.

As he had reprimanded her, his eyes twinkling, and taken her by the upper arm to guide her out of the room, she had caught it from the corner of her eye. In the laundry basket. The slip of a blouse, white, with a blue thin stripe.

It kept coming back to her, that image.

That was usually how her investigations happened. Her brain drawing her attention to the links before she could rationally make them. She had learn to trust on that little quirk of her mind. But lately it felt like her brain was working slower to catch up. Like it couldn’t make the connection between the images and the case. She felt like a failure, feeling as if the only thing she had to contribute to… anything, really… was slipping away from her. Even though she knew she had good reason to be distracted, she would not, should not allow herself to be.

She felt her body start to shiver, but did not feel the cold. She knew the state she was in, and, right now, could do nothing else than to prefer it over anything else. An image flashed before her eyes, contradicting that statement. The kind eyes of Alicia, the twinkle in them, begging her nearer. The silky softness of her arms, enveloping her cold shoulders. There something preferable over her dissociated state. To cherish herself in her best friend’s arms, to be taken care of by the woman she was… -Shouldn`t she finally admit it to herself?- In love with. She took the fantasy further than she ever had , consciously, allowed herself to and could feel Alicia’s nails softly grazing the bare skin of her arms, her hands stroking her back, while the woman’s eyes begged her to be nearer, to come closer, to kiss her.

With a violent movement getting out of the chair, Kalinda interrupted her own silly daydream, reprimanding herself harshly. What was she doing to herself? How could she have allowed herself to become this sappy little girl again, living on a fantasy? Even without the current state of affairs, Alicia would never want her like that. So why was she torturing herself?

Or was that it? Did that make it safe for her? She had had crushes before in her life, but none quite as strong as this one. And, if she was honest, she knew that this was more than just a crush.

She _was_ in love, for the first time in her life, without a question in love.

Had she chosen the object of her affection because this love would never be reciprocated? Because that somehow was safer? So she would never have to commit? But she knew, in her gut, that it wasn’t like that. She had tried, multiple times, to just stay away from the woman, knowing she was meddling with a hornet’s nest. But she was, time and again, drawn to her. And, in a strange way, she knew that if Alicia would ever want her, she would commit without an ounce of doubt. She would be scared, more terrified than ever in her life – and in her case that meant something- but she would do it.

The investigator shook her head, trying to get rid of the thoughts, the hope, the wishful thinking. Shivering, she started to focus on her surroundings. How much time had passed since she had started to be in her state of emptiness? She wasn’t wearing a watch, but trusted her instincts. There were still party-sounds outside the door, but they were fading slightly, meaning people were starting to go home. Should she scream? Make a noise? How would she explain her presence? The cold started to get to her, and she hated herself for being so human, so sensitive, so weak.

She slumped back into the chair, curling up in a ball, her hands shaking. From cold or emotion, she wasn’t sure. Kalinda closed her eyes, hoping Alicia would go home soon so Peter would feel confident enough to let her out of this prison cell.

Or would he?

***

As she’d told him where she was, he had sounded surprised but interested.  Peter knew she had been looking for another place, after a great deal of encouragement from Eli to do so. It had just never occurred to him that she was looking this actively that on the moment of his election she would ask him to view one.

He felt proud, roaring with proud.

This woman that always stood by him, that always gave him the things he needed –because he wasn’t arrogant enough to think he would have won the election without her-, that had forgiven him for his mistakes, this woman was his.

He needed her, he needed his family.

But the words Kalinda had uttered to him before were stuck in his head. Mainly because he wasn’t sure of the answer.

_‘ As a person, or as a politician?’_

He shook of the uneasy feeling of pending doom, when he knocked the door in the apartment building. It had taken him aback a little that she didn’t want to show him a house, but he was willing to take a look.

***

Alicia smiled at him when she opened the door, a smile she had practiced since she had asked him to come over. Or maybe a smile she had practiced since the first time she had heard about his cheating. It felt like a mask on her face and she knew the smile did not extend to her eyes. He attempted to hug her, but she pretended to misunderstand and took a step backwards to let him pass. He entered eagerly, looking around, striding to the place as if he already owned it.

‘ And the real-estate agent?’

A wave of nauseating disgust washed over her as she heard him ask about the attractive woman. She prepared herself to suppress the urge to confront him, to hit him, to do something, but she felt eerily calm while she looked at his handsome face.

What had she ever seen in him? When had she fallen out of love? Or had she ever really been in it? The questions tumbled through her head, but, strange enough, did not confuse her. They brought a certain clarity.

It was over. It had been over for a long time.

Not just because he had cheated, or maybe, if she was honest, not at all because of that. She had stopped loving him, the way a wife was supposed to, a long time ago. She’d wanted to try, for her children, for him.  But Zach and Grace were older now, they had seen that she had tried, they wouldn’t resent her like she resented her parents. She hoped…

And HE. He was not a child. And he was not hers to look after. She was done. They were done.

‘ I already signed the lease.’

She almost laughed as she saw the look of sheer surprise on his face, as he once again took a sweeping look through the apartment.

‘Are you sure it’s big enough?’

It oddly amused her, his ignorance, his lack of understanding of her.

‘ Yes, I think you’ll find it is. It’s walking distance from the SA’s office. You’ll have to use a cellphone for a while, until they can install the connection, but it won’t be too long.’

He blinked, the sensation of prickling fear he had successfully shaken off before entering the apartment starting to rise again.

‘ You want to move in right away?’

She smiled, again, but this time she saw he noticed how cold the smile really was.

‘ Not me, Peter. Not me and not the kids. You.’

He took a step back as if she had stricken him, and she knew that in a way she had. She just couldn’t do it anymore. Put her life, her feelings, her… everything aside for him. She had become a person in the last year. And that person now needed to choose for herself.

‘So, this had always been your plan?’

He sounded defeated, and suddenly she felt annoyed. How could he make this about him? But hadn’t he with everything? When he had cheated, when he had gone to prison, when he was running for office. And she had let him. She had let him take the reins of their life and she had let him walk all over her. If she had not allowed it, maybe everything would have been different. There was no way of knowing.

So now he was asking if she had always planned to leave him, but just waited for his campaign to be finished. What kind of woman did he think she was, really? That she plotted and schemed, but she waited until he got what he wanted to act? Or maybe she thought he was after the money he would make.

‘No, Peter.’

She simply stated the negative answer, without elaborating any further.

‘ The keys are on the bar, I paid the first 3 months of lease for you.’

It surprised her again how little she felt, when he, so clearly, was devastated.

‘ Why are you doing this?’

Peter’s question sounded more like an accusation than an inquiry. The words exited her mouth as if planned, which they absolutely weren’t.

‘ You slept with Kalinda.’

His expression told her all she needed to know and took away the sliver of hope she had still had. But what astonished her the most, was the way her voice broke when she said the other woman’s name. The wave of pain she had been expecting finally broke through. But somewhere deep inside, she knew, the agony she felt was not over losing him.

 The man that now stood, speechless, in front of her.

It was over losing HER.

 

_**TBC** _


	20. -Hi... Hello...-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alicia knows, but Kalinda, finally freed from her improvised prison, doesn't know she knows, causing for some awkward and confusing interaction at the verge of an important moment in the case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N: Hi, all! So we reached the point where Alicia knows, but Kalinda doesn`t know she knows. I remember this tiny interaction they had, where they greeted eachother in the hallway of L-G when this happened in canon, and took the liberty to elaborate on that. As always, not copyright infringement intended what so ever. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing! Always looking forward to hear what you think!

 

Chapter 20 –Hi! Hello…-

Kalinda woke up from the sound of the opening door. What she saw when she opened her eyes wasn’t real. She knew. And yet, even though she knew she was looking into Leela’s past, she couldn’t stop the images from forming the story. From forming the movie of what had been her life back then. She saw them enter, exchanged looks, and wordlessly communicate the cruelties they would put her through. The flashback was short, but strong, and she jumped out of the chair, ready to defend herself.

The janitor, a small, wrinkled man, looked up in surprise as he heard her approach, and Kalinda had to hold her step in order to not bump into him.

‘ What in the name of… ?’

Before he could finish the question, however, the beautiful young Indian woman had made her way past him, and was fleeing the building. In his years of service, he had found a lot of abandoned objects, but this had never happened before. The old man sniggered while he turned off the airconditioning.

There was a first time for everything.

***

Alicia felt her head pound in the steady rhythm of her heart. A chant it seemed of a three syllable name she did not want to, but could not avoid, to think about. She closed her eyes, trying to focus on the information Will was sharing with her, but it did not grasp her full attention until she heard his final words.

`So Judge Lessner has agreed to hear their arguments to move up the hearing.`

`What?`

Focusing now fully on Will, she felt her eyes narrow. She would have to go to court today? How could she fight, if she felt there was nothing left inside of her? But maybe this was the only thing worth fighting for in her life, her job, one case at a time.

`Have you paid any attention to what I`ve just said? You have to be in court this afternoon. Supposedly the victim woke up and had a good story for the police. Kalinda told me this morning that they think he will be able to join the courts soon. And that would be a bad thing, considering his high profile.`

The pronunciation of the name her heart was screaming out,- in anger or despair, she wasn’t sure-, left Alicia paralyzed for a moment.

‘She is here?’

She heard her voice as is from far away, and resented herself immediately for the jump of her heart that came with the thought of seeing Kalinda. She would have to stop thinking like that, feeling like that.

‘ Who? Kalinda? Actually she called to say she would be late. But she will be in any moment to come to your aid.’

He looked at her strangely, the emotion flowing from his eyes –the eyes she knew so well- not quite clear to her. She saw worry, she saw tenderness, but also something that came close to jealousy. He turned around to leave, but hesitated at the door.

‘ Congratulations, by the way. Peter did well. You did well for him.’

Alicia smiled automatically and searched his face again. Why could she not be more attracted to him? She liked him, she loved him.

As she watched him leave, she knew he would probably come the closest to understanding her, if she told him. In a way he was the one she always could count on. Her oldest friend. But not the best. That place had been reserved for the woman who had betrayed her. Betrayed her so profoundly…

Their friendship had been a lie, Alicia had concluded in her long sleepless night. A lie she had believed because she had wanted to believe it. Why would someone like Kalinda seek her out? Why would someone like Kalinda want to be friends with her? It had been the guilt, that had driven the younger woman. A little voice in the back of Alicia’s mind saying that, knowing Kalinda, guilt would have probably driven her AWAY rather than TO her, was quickly silenced by her anger.

She was angry… Very, very angry.

The emotion was just overshadowed by that other sensation. The one that made her heart heavy and her throat close up. Every breath she took, physically hurt. She couldn’t remember ever feeling like that in her life. Not when her parents had announced their divorce, not when CNN had announced her husband’s cheating, not when he had been dragged off to jail. But now, facing a divorce she knew she had to push through, working with HER was a torture. Not because she had caused the separation between her and Peter, at least not only that, but more so because she had trusted Kalinda beyond any other. She had felt safe with her, she had let down her guard. And to what effect? Damn it!

She threw the papers she had been trying to read on her desk. She needed a drink. Even though it was just 10 in the morning, she needed a drink. Even though she was meant to be in court, she needed a drink. She was sick of being the good girl, the good one who would never break the rules. She wanted to break them, now. But she knew she wouldn’t. Not yet, not so close to a critical part in the case.

She would have to claim self-defense, she knew. She and Diana had talked about it, and Jonas agreed. Without a story it was the only thing that could plunge holes in the State’s Attorney’s case. There simply was too much evidence since the girl was found with the weapon in hand at the scene. They had begun to plan their strategy and had discussed it with the client, who seemed reluctant.

Elizabeth Stern had not visited her daughter once since she had been released and was staying with her father. Alex had closed up and seemed to live in her own little world, only coming out of it when Kalinda arrived. The 2 seemed to have something in common, a strange connection she felt weird about.

Alicia laughed without humor, the connection she should have felt worried about was that between Kalinda and her husband. How many times had those two laughed at her ignorance behind her back? The time that Kalinda had visited Peter in prison? Had they sniggered together planning the conjugal visit, wishing it could be for the two of them? When Kalinda had brought Zach home, had they exchanged looks in the kitchen? Looks of contempt towards Alicia for being in the way, looks of desire? And yesterday in the party, what had happened after she had seen the gorgeous woman touch her husband’s forearm? She remembered the urgency in Kalinda’s movements. Her own surprise to see the woman there. Had she been there with a mission? Had she wanted her old job back? Or did she just like the idea of sleeping with a powerful man? The thoughts cut through her like a knife, but she didn’t seem to be able to stop them.

Luckily for her, they were stopped for her.

As her assistant peeked her head through the door, asking if she could interrupt, Alicia had never been more happy to see her. Even if the papers in the other woman`s arms meant more work for her, at this moment work equaled distraction and any distraction from this was more than welcome. Reaching out to take the files she was surprised to see the woman shake her head and tell her they were meant for administration.

`It`s just that there is a young girl here… to see Miss Sharma, and she has not come in yet. She tells me she is your client? Wouldn`t tell me her name.`

Looking through the glass that separated her office from the hallway –who ever had come up with that great structure? Wasn`t law about confidence?-. She recognized the slumping demeanor, that seemed to be the trademark of teenagers these days, of Alex. As she rose to meet her, she pondered over the reason of the visit. A thought, unwelcome and unbalancing, entered her mind as she saw the disappointment on Alex’ face when she saw her, and not Kalinda, approach her. Did the investigator make everyone fall in love with her?

‘ Alex. Hey. Why don’t you come in?’

Smiling weakly, the pale teenager followed her, but not before she looked around as if trying to find a way to escape.

While Alex was looking at the seat as if it would bite her, Alicia sat, suddenly realizing this was the first time she was actually alone with the girl. Searching for a way to begin the conversation, to make her client feel at ease, Alicia sensed how much she really was affected by the events of the former evening. This was something that always came to her naturally, but now, she seemed scared to trust her instincts.

‘ You were looking for… Kalinda?’

Every letter of the name she uttered felt like thorns. She wanted to spit out the word, the word she had associated with trust, but she was surprised she managed to sound quite neutral, if not a little cold.

‘ Yes.’

The girls voice sounded hoarse, and she coughed, avoiding eye contact. The girl played with a ring, that seemed too large for her slender finger, turning it around endlessly in a nervous gesture.

‘Can I help you, maybe?’

She sensed how her voice sounded warmer, trying to focus completely on her client who seemed to need… What? Protection? The girl probably sensed the same, for she looked up, finally making a connection.

‘ I… I don’t know’

A worried wrinkle adorned the freckly nose, and Alicia felt a wave of tenderness wash over her towards the girl. She had always been too close to her clients. Kalinda had seen that the very first day… No… She had to stop thinking of Kalinda as her friend. She had to stop thinking of her at all.

‘It’s just that... I got worried, you know, when she didn’t arrive this morning.’

So much for not thinking about the investigator… But they had not had an appointment to see their client that morning. The question must have been visible on her face.

‘ She has been stopping by in the mornings, making sure everything was ok. My dad… He gets forgetful at times and she reminds him to give me money for groceries and stuff. And we talk. Just talk. It’s nice…’

The girl blushed slightly, making Alicia’s heart jump. Had her earlier snarky assessment been right? She was surprised by the revelation though and felt slightly guilty. She knew about Jonas condition and yet she had done nothing to ensure the safety of the young woman who now depended on him.  

‘ But then this morning, she didn’t and… Well… Yesterday my mom came by, and… I just wanted to…’

Much to Alicia’s horror, the girl in front of her suddenly, unexpectedly succumbed to tears. The shocking of her shoulders was immense and made the tiny creature convulse with sadness. Placing the box of tissues she always had at hand for these situations in front of the girl, she moved closer, instinctively wanting to reach out and put her arm around her. Comfort her. As she would her daughter. But as she carefully touched a shoulder, the jerk in which Alex’ pulled back was almost violent, and Alicia found herself, shocked, take a step back.

‘ Woaaa, take it easy there, tiger.’

Kalinda’s smooth voice seemed to fill the room and Alicia’s neck twinged as she moved her head to look at the woman. The investigator entered the office with ease, as if it was hers, and smiled, genuinely, at her. Or at least what seemed genuine. Probably Kalinda did not even know the meaning of the word.

Anger at the other woman, and, even more so, at herself, painted her thoughts with a dark sarcasm she was not used to. It was almost as if she heard the investigators voice in her head. She wanted to… Do… Something. Demand her to leave, flee herself, hit her, kiss her. Anything that would bring Kalinda off balance. Wait.. What? Kiss? Of course she had meant kick. Or had she?

‘ Hi.’

Kalinda’s greeting sounded casual, as it had sounded every day. But this day… Last night… A name… Had made everything different. The tone however made it quite clear to Alicia that Kalinda did not know that. That to her, things were quite the same.

So… Peter hadn’t told her. He had not run to his girlfriend to whine his wife had found out about them.

‘ Hello.’

She pressed out the word with effort and saw how Kalinda looked at her strangely, on the verge of saying something.

‘Kalinda…’

The girl had jumped up at the entrance of the investigator and now threw herself in her arms, trembling with more than just the tears she was shedding. As Kalinda looked, helplessly, at Alicia over the girls shoulder, the attorney simply shrugged and sat back down. Seeing how the investigator stood there, her hands for a long time useless next to her body before she brought them up. Leaning back and pressing her fingers together, Alicia just watched them, slightly amused with how clearly uncomfortable Kalinda was feeling at this moment.

Using the time her non-intervention was giving her to think, Alicia saw the investigator, who had frozen at the moment of the touch, slowly start to thaw. Wrapping, tentatively, her arms around the young girl. Alicia didn’t know what it was that gave her the insight, but she was just as sure it was true as she had been the night before when Wiley had given her the information. She had been wrong before. Her client was not in love. Her client was terrified. She saw in Kalinda’s eyes that the investigator came to the same conclusion. And even though she resented their connection, over anything, right now, she had to let the teenager come first.

As the girl calmed down in the Indian woman’s arms, Alicia finally undertook action. The water she went to fetch felt useless, but Kalinda gratefully smiled at her as she took the paper cup and presented it to Alex, finally able to get herself out of the young woman’s fierce grip.

Kalinda had recognized the fear in which the girl had held her, like a lifeline. After the initial shock of the sudden and firm touch was passing, she had felt it in the trembling of the body, heard it in the frequency of the breathing. She did not know why the girl had chosen her to protect her, -or maybe she did, but she didn’t want to think about it- and she wasn’t sure that, if the same had happened a year ago, she would have been able to respond the way she did. It amazed her how much she had changed. How much she was changing every moment she spend with Alicia. For it was the lawyer that had induced the difference, she knew. Kalinda, most of the time, didn’t know if she was happy about the change, as it made her more vulnerable, but at this moment, she was grateful for it.

Guiding Alex to a chair, indicating her to sit, she sat down next to the girl herself, following the paper cup of water, that shook dangerously with their client’s hands with her hands, ready to catch it if dropped.

‘What happened?’

She hardly recognized her own voice, warm, understanding, urging. She sounded like a mother, although nothing like her own.

‘ My mom, she came to visit yesterday. She told me…’

The girl sighed, shivery placing the cup on the table before her again, looking up at Kalinda with a desperate look.

‘ She told me he woke up, and I just got so scared. Already before she told me the rest of it, I got so scared, and I didn’t know why…’

She could almost hear the question mark at the end of the sentence, but was not ready to venture a guess.

‘ What was the rest of it?’

Alex inhaled deeply, focusing on the investigators question, and Alicia saw how she slowly calmed down.

‘ She said… She said that he wasn’t angry, that he forgave me. She said that he was such a good person. That she was so lucky to have him, that she would like to see me try get a TV in my room if she had decided to marry the security-guy. Things like that. And then she said that I had ruined everything and that SHE would never forgive me for that. And then she…’

The girl’s voice broke and Alicia, despite herself, exchanged a look of horror with the investigator. She saw how Kalinda closed her eyes in defeat before she softly vocalized the thought they both shared.

‘ Did she hurt you, Alex?’

The girl did not answer and seemed to be distracted as she shook her head, avoiding eye contact. Kalinda felt her heart contract in a strange way, and pushed the words out.

‘But she did. Before?’

‘ She said I wasn’t her daughter anymore and then she just… Left…’

It was as if the girl spoke the words from another world, the lack of intonation somehow adding to the pain of the moment.

Not knowing what to say, Kalinda hopefully, expectantly, looked up at Alicia, who stood behind her. A fierceness in the other woman’s eyes momentarily shocked the investigator to the core, but the decided it must have been a trick of the light because when she looked again, Alicia`s eyes had softened and were now focused on the client.

`Alicia, I… Oh…`

Diane, who was walking in confidently, seemed shocked at the scene she witnessed. Alicia noticed how Kalinda had quickly pulled her hand away from Alex’  back, as if she had been doing something inappropriate instead of simply comforting an upset teenager. The gesture confused Alicia as well as Alex, who looked up and half-smiled at the woman she knew.

‘ Hi, aunt Diane…’

Her voice sounded steady, as the girl wiped away the remainders of her tears. It was impressive how quickly the young woman regained composure, and it reminded Alicia awfully much of Kalinda. Although that was strange because there had been so little times she had actually seen the investigator lose it in the first place. The similarities between them were painful, so painful even Alicia had to force herself to look away.

From the corner of her eye, however, she saw how the investigator stood. The demeanor she recognized and silently called ‘ Kalinda on target’ was oozing from her. She had been given a clue and it was time for her to hunt it down. Alicia had no idea which part of Alex’ story had triggered the restlessness,  but she was glad it had, knowing, in a moment, the investigator would excuse herself and she would be liberated from the worst of the constricting sensation that prevented her to breath properly. And indeed, not too much later, Kalinda, leaving Alex safely in the hands of Diane, told them she had to check something. To Alicia’s astonishment however, Kalinda laid her hand gently against her upper arm and leaned close to ask a question.

‘ At what time is the hearing?’

The soft breath close to her ear made Alicia shiver and withdraw, stiffened and horrified by her own physical response to -what not even should be allowed to qualify for- a caress. Biting her lip to suppress the moan she tried to respond coldly, but heard her voice trembling as she told Kalinda the time. For a moment they exchanged a look, a look of question, a look of search. And it seemed like Kalinda was about to say, to ask, something more.   

‘Ok, I’ll be back as soon as possible.’

She turned and, with a smile in her and Alex’ direction, left the room in a rush, leaving behind the lingering scent of a perfume and a very confused lawyer.

***

 

TBC


	21. -48 hours-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Just that moment she felt it. She could have heard it, in the clicking of the heels of the boots. She could have seen it from the corner of her eye, as a movement by the door, but no… She felt it. The shiver that ran through her, the goosebumps that erupted, the warm sensation that spread through her abdomen. It all happened so fast she did not even have time to reprimand herself, to stop herself from catching the eye of the woman who had just entered."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for sticking with this story! Hope you`ll enjoy this one.

**CHAPTER 21: -48 hours-**

‘I’m sorry Your Honor, but in my opinion the fact that Mister Flagg woke up changes nothing in the case. He has been in an induced coma, his recollections of the event should be called questionable at best. In my opinion, Your Honor.’

She was losing. She was losing this battle and hoped it wouldn’t cost her the war. She was losing, and she hated to lose.

Alicia brushed an escaped lock out of her face, and glanced at the girl sitting next to her. Her mother had taken her seat next to Cary, who, in his defense, seemed uncomfortable with this situation.

‘ Well, it’s our opinion, Your Honor, that it is not the defendant’s lawyer who should evaluate and judge the questionability of Mr Flaggs recollections.’

He smiled his charming smile, and, this time, Judge Lessner pleasantly smiled back.

‘ I happen to agree. I’m sorry, Mrs Florrick, but your trial is moved up. We will hear you 2 days from now, 2 pm. That should give you enough time to prepare your case.’

Alicia bit the inside of her cheek to prevent her from blurting out a frustrated scream as well as the biting words ‘ In YOUR opinion.’ She smiled reassuringly at her client when she heard Cary’s voice behind her.

‘ I would urge Your Honor to reconsider bail, in our…’

Alicia wheeled around on her heels, ready to attack, but found there was no need.

‘ Mr Agos, you have just won your battle, I strongly urge you to not overplay your hand.’

The stern tone in the judge’s voice made Alicia snigger, and it was just that moment she felt _it_. She could have heard it, in the clicking of the heels of the boots. She could have seen it from the corner of her eye, as a movement by the door, but no… She felt it. The shiver that ran through her, the goosebumps that erupted, the warm sensation that spread through her abdomen. It all happened so fast she did not even have time to reprimand herself, to stop herself from catching the eye of the woman who had just entered.

Kalinda’s smile was brief and apologetic and evoked a rage in Alicia she hadn’t thought herself capable of. She wanted to throw something, break something, hit someone. Hurt… Hurt the woman just as she had hurt her.

As the investigator interacted shortly with Cary, Alicia felt that his hand on her forearm, his goofy smile as he looked at her, her forgiving smile for both, just edged her on.

‘ So, concorting with the enemy?’

Sharp, the words hurt in her throat, but Kalinda just grimaced. The smile as well as her face was pale. Too pale… Had Peter talked to her? Did she know? But the dark eyes darted towards Alex.

‘ Where is Jonas?’

Alicia, now for the first time missing the father of her client, looked around.

‘ He must have forgot.’

It was the easiness in Alex voice that got her attention. The kid was obviously used to it, by now, that her father was as forgetful as he was.

‘ Alicia, I need to talk to you.’

Kalinda’s voice sounded urgent, and when the lawyer allowed her, for the briefest of time, to catch them, and actually take in their expression, she saw panic.

‘ First, I’m going to get our client home. Then we will talk.’

Of course she didn`t have to be the one driving the young girl home. Surely she could have delegated. But she thought to herself the young girl needed a familiar face and not to be shipped off with an assistant or intern. No matter how true that sounded, even in her own ears, she knew the real reason for wanting to. A reason that, with Kalinda`s next words, was overthrown and buried six feet deep into the ground.

`Right, I`ll go with you.`

Alicia moved her head to fast, her neck twinged.

`But… Your car… Really, there is no need.`

Kalinda`s dark, cat-like eyes narrowed, and beckoned. They beckoned hers and she could not help but obey, to look into that turmoil, that deepness, in which she wanted to drown at times. Many people said Kalinda was not accessible, and in a way they were right. But Alicia always had felt like she was allowed a glimpse of the person behind the mysterious mask, the feelings and stories behind the trinkets. She had also thought, one day, Kalinda WOULD talk to her. Let her in.

But then again she had always thought Kalinda was her friend, and not her husband`s lover. 

`I took a cab here.’

She broke the contact, not having the…-what exactly? Guts? Energy?- to fight it any longer.

`Fine!`

The sniding `Do what you want!` she could _just_ swallow, but she saw her client`s eyebrows rise and knew she had not wielded the emotion completely from her voice.

 `Do you want me to drive?`

Alicia shot Kalinda a look that made the dark eyes start to twinkle. Mockingly holding up her arms, in a yielding manner, the investigator laughed, thereby making their client giggle also. And unfortunately, erupting, with the genuine joy in her, a wave of quite the opposite emotion in Alicia. It felt heavy in her abdomen, crawling up to her chest. She was losing this. She had lost this. The joking, the jests, the drinking. The confessions, the puzzle and mystery that was Kalinda. But most of all she lost the feeling. The feeling that she could allow to wash over when the investigator was near. The feeling of safety, the feeling of letting go or all those pieces of armor she had collected, of shedding the thick skin and just be herself. Or at least feel the liberty to figure out who `herself` actually was.

She lost those twinkling eyes, the dark, shining locks she yearned to free, the toned… No? What? What was she doing? Shaking away her disturbing thoughts, that were accompanied by roaming eyes that now caught again the investigator`s, she saw how Kalinda looked at her with worry. A very un-Kalinda-like emotion. A very un-Kalinda-like look. Yes, the woman constantly asked her if she was ok, and at times had had a look of care –pretended care- on her face. But this was different. This, was bigger.

Maybe, this time, she was worried her dirty little secret had come out…

The anger burned through her, but also cut through her, causing an immense amount of pain. It was as if, with her anger, she was going against everything inside of her. She thought she had learned to stop feeling like this, now, working as a lawyer again.

Sometimes, trying a case, she had felt something like that. In Georgetown, or in her first year working, she had felt something like that. If she had heard Peter talk about cases, and heard guilty people getting easy plea-bargains, she had felt something like that. As if there was everything she stood for on one side, honesty, loyalty, love, and a whole other, dark side out there. A dark side, she now had learned, she possessed as well. A dark side she should simply call reality.

The car seemed to have moved itself, Alicia thought as she pulled up in front of the house.

***

After making sure Alex was safe, and making arrangements to pick her up the next day, Kalinda slipped into the passenger`s seat, asking the question that was burning on her lips since the first moment she had laid eyes on Alicia that morning.

`Are you okay?’  

The words came out with an insecurity she could not afford, and she cleared her throat, trying, very hard, to make it sound like the shiver in her voice was just due to an irregularity there, and not lower, in her heart. The jittery, uneasy feeling however, continued when Alicia didn`t dignify her question with an answer.

`What have you got?`

Kalinda blinked, there was something in the tone of Alicia`s voice. Was she being paranoid? Maybe Peter had told her something. Obviously not IT, but SOMETHING. Something to discredit her? To make sure that, if she said anything, Alicia wouldn`t believe her? Kalinda wasn`t sure what kind of thing that would be… She hadn`t thought Peter capable of such things, but now that he let her in that office the whole night she had had to readjust her thinking.

At once, it came to her…

She had felt Alicia`s eyes on her the night before, when she had made her way to Peter. She always felt them, but she had focused on not meeting them, in fear she would lose the courage she had gathered with so much difficulty.

Peter had said she had come on to him, propositioned him, in that room.

That was why Alicia was acting so coolly.

An irrational feeling of disappointment in the fact that Alicia would believe such a thing about her almost made Kalinda grin in irony. The lawyer _should_ believe such a thing about her. She had proven, in fact, that she wasn`t worthy of the trust Alicia had put in her.

But was that really it? Or was she just upset that she had not looked for her afterwards? She had tried so hard not to catch the woman`s eye, but she knew Alicia HAD seen her.

And if Peter HAD said something, wouldn`t Alicia just ask her?

Damn! This ‘ not knowing’ was agony. She had to tell her. She had to tell her right now.

`Alicia… I… Last night…`

Alicia sighed. The look she send in Kalinda`s direction wasn`t unfriendly, but filled with fatigue, and something else… Something that came dangerously close to begging.

`Kalinda, I am tired, can we please stick to the case? We only have 48 hours.`

The words she couldn’t form got stuck in her throat. It would be so simple to say that she had been looking for her, she had every chance to be adamant, to tell Alicia, now, at this instant.

 But she took the bait that was offered. 48 hours. 48 hours more of not knowing what Alicia knew. 48 hours of protecting her from the hurt a certain truth would bring. 48 hours in Alicia`s proximity. 48 hours more of hope.

***


	22. -A Crush-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The car-ride back and Kalinda is putting herself out there more than she is willing to admit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks all so much for kudo`s and responses. They keep the inspiration flowing! Don`t hesitate to let me know what you think!

**CHAPTER 22 –A crush-**

 

‘ That security guy has a serious crush…`

Alicia`s eyes grew wider at the sight of the DVD`s Kalinda held in front of her. She had been surprised at the information that the security guy`s feelings for their clients mother and his stalkerish behavior, but not as surprised as she was at how normal her voice sounded. How normal it felt, even, to have Kalinda sit in the passenger`s seat, next to her, informing her about the case. She tried to focus, but found it hard. It was as if she saw the world through a mist, and, several times, she had had to ask the investigator to repeat something. Her focus, which should have been on the road, was much more on the woman she did NOT want to focus on.

Little gestures, a fingertip following the shape of a CD-case, a hand finding a painful spot, right under the always tight up raven locks and massaging a knot, the elegance in which she took out the orange notebook. Everything was so familiar. It felt like home. More like home, Alicia had to admit, than the apartment. More like home, than the man she had thrown out the day before. How could she have gotten so accustomed to Kalinda in such a short period of time? She tried to fight the feeling. But all she managed was to suppress the urge to reach out and massage the painful spot for her. All she managed was a wave of sadness that made her swerve so much, Kalinda insisted on taking the wheel before continuing her explanation.

`Yeah, well, he is a serious creep… He even had a list of the times for all her baseball-practices. Said he liked her outfit. But maybe he IS a creep who has helped up out in this case. By installing the camera in the master bedroom without the inhabitants knowing, maybe he has caught something we can use.`

Kalinda caught her disgusted expression and smiled sourly.

`I know, I know. He says he hasn`t watched it. But he is, however, willing to testify, even if that means losing his job.`

`How did you manage that?`

Although Alicia wasn’t sure she wanted to know, the question had slipped out anyway.

`I told him women have a soft spot for honest men.`

The grin with which Kalinda spoke the words forced Alicia to look away. Honesty… Not only had Kalinda not once been honest with her, she was not honest with herself. How could she allow herself to feel so comfortable with the investigator? Even now she knew… This? Why was even her own body betraying her? Her fingertips tingled with the immense desire to touch the other woman, which now seemed even harder to suppress then when they had been friends. Just drinking, just talking. Just them. Maybe it had been easier then because she knew that she COULD have, had she wanted to. That all she had had to do was to reach out and follow the curve of Kalinda`s elbow, find the crook of her neck. And now, that possibility was lost to her forever. Which made her want to do it even more.

Angry with herself for the contradictions in her thoughts, but even more so, her feelings, Alicia bit her bottom lip a little harder than intended. The metallic taste of the blood she drew made her lips curl up in a sarcastic smile. Maybe now she knew what “Irony” tasted like.    

***

The pain in her neck was causing Kalinda to be less focused than she would normally be. She heard herself talk, but the normally fluent connections of sounds came out hesitant, as if she was listening to a broken record. Of course it was not just the pain in her neck causing her to be distracted. But it was the most concrete thing for her to focus on. She, now and again, let one of her fingertips trail the tense muscle that covered the border between her neck and her skull. The pain she felt, pressing it, allowed her to stay awake long enough to focus on the road.

‘To the office?’

`Isn`t your car there?`

While she nodded, -an action making a nauseating pain shoot through her muscles- she tried to analyze what it was about Alicia that was different. Was it the shortness of her words? The way she, quickly, looked away at the moment Kalinda glanced at her? Or was she just making it up, because of what she knew lay ahead of her?

`Has Blake come to see you again?`

The question exited her mouth without restraint, and Kalinda hadn`t noticed she was holding her breath until she caught sight of the look of genuine surprise on Alicia`s face, telling her the answer to it even before words were part of the equation.

`No, why?`

`No particular reason.`

Again reaching for her neck, Kalinda swallowed, while turning to park the SUV properly. The task, which she fulfilled with precision, allowed her to avoid eye contact as she asked the question that had been lingering on the tip of her tongue. She had a feeling. A feeling she recognized but did not trust. She had a feeling, and it scared her.

`Do you want to work at my apartment again tonight?’

Reluctant to watch the video`s by herself, Kalinda had to, consciously, let out the breath she was holding in order to fight the lightheadedness that surrounded her. She wasn’t sure if she just didn’t want to do this task alone, if she wanted to take the opportunity to talk to Alicia, despite her 48 hour respite, or if she just wanted to take advantage of the little time she had left before she was going to break everything apart by speaking the words that would make it real.

She wasn`t sure, but what she was sure of something else. Something that was confirmed by the drop of her heart when she heard Alicia`s answer.

`No, I think I`ll do better on my own. We do only have 48 hours, after all.’

Kalinda looked away, using the unbuckling of her seatbelt to hide her facial expression from the woman beside her. She shouldn`t have bothered. Alicia looked everywhere but at her. And she was sure what the burning feeling in the pit of her stomach represented. She was sure she had yearned for Alicia to say yes.

…


End file.
